Online Diary

12/1/20

Whoo! First day of December! This year is nearly over :D

I'm writing because right now I'm a little frustrated with my mom. She doesn't like it when the cats scratch the carpet, right? But she hasn't gotten them another scratching board in like 6 months, and she knows that they don't use the scratching posts. So she's condemning their behavior while not giving them the tools they need to fix it.

And I expressed this to her. I was already a little frustrated, but when she pointed out that they have the posts it got a lot worse. Because she was just making excuses. She needed to go to the store anyway! Petco is, like, 5 minutes away from where she was already going!! I told her this, I think she could tell that I was upset, so she agreed to get them something to scratch on. I elaborated on my feelings a bit, but she just said "I get it" like I was scolding her or something. It felt invalidating. 

So, when I went back to my room I started crying. Frustration + pent up stress = tears. 

Okay, so halfway through typing that she came into my room and apologized for reacting the way she did. I told her my frustrations and she apologized again, and acknowledged that that was not the right response. So I'm less upset. But still.

I know that my outburst is likely the cause of an underlying issue; my guess is pent up stress?? Of course, I don't fucking know what I'm stressed ABOUT, but here we are. Me? Know my own emotions? Ridiculous. 

I'm definitely stressed about school. Recently I've had a lot of work, because teachers are trying to finish their units in the 3 weeks we have left of this semester. I'm also really stressed about next semester; I have all my hard classes next semester, I don't know if one of my friends will be in any of my classes, and I haven't practiced my math at all this semester. And I've got Math 2 and Intro to Engineering Design. I don't really know what to do. I feel like it will probably be fine, but last year I had the most horrible time with math, and I'm getting the bad math teacher this year. My sister and my friends told me about her, so I'm worried. And I've probably got gaps in my education! Especially with going online last year!

Also, I have to take my biology EOC! They're making us come into school to take it, now, when the COVID cases are spiking! That's a fucking disaster waiting to happen! I also don't have a lot of Biology info memorized! I'm scared that I'm going to fail my EOC. 

I don't want to stop my Creative Writing class next semester. It's the only class I've truly enjoyed this year, and I'm going to miss my teacher.

So, yeah. I'm stressed about school.

Thanksgiving break didn't help me relax at all. Each day I had things that I needed to do, and I never got a full day to just chill with no expectations of me. It makes me feel shallow or spoiled or something because that's what I'm upset about, but I can't help it. My break was not fulfilling at all.

I'll have a lot of things to talk with Mary about.

On the brighter end of the spectrum, I found out that L lives, like, 5 minutes away from my mom's  house! I could bike to their house in 8 minutes (according to google maps). I kinda thought they lived 20 minutes away or something but nope! We're also partners for a project in Theater class.

I also went with Kai to get froyo on Sunday! It was for their birthday. It made me really happy that they thought of me and invited me to come with them <3 They got a bearded dragon named Icarus for their birthday! I can't wait to see him sometime.

In Creative Writing we're starting on our final project! I'm planning on doing a short story, and when brainstorming for it I used this method I found on Pinterest for creating rough drafts! And it's working!! So I'm excited to get to properly apply it :D I don't really know how to write rough drafts, and it was written by someone who was having the same problems that I do, so it's really useful.

Last night I finally finished my notes on this 90 minute documentary about the French Revolution; it's interesting, but 5 pages of notes is a lot! I was supposed to pace myself over break, but instead I did it on Saturday, Sunday and Monday (yesterday) in 30 minute segments, which each ended up taking about an hour. They were due today before class. I haven't finished typing them up, so I just took pictures of the notes and submitted that until I can finish typing them. 

There's an optional Biology benchmark that I can take this week. I'm going to do it, so I know what kind of things I'm going to need to know for the test (I'll cheat and write down the things I don't know so I can study). It's gonna be 60 questions long (ugh), but the actual one will be 70. Not fun -_- It's for extra credit though, so even if I do bad it will only improve my grade! I should check what grade I have now, actually. One sec. 

Biology Honors - 98%

Theater - 100%

Creative Writing - 100%

World History Honors - 100%

...Well, I think I'll be okay even if I don't do well. I'm going to study anyways, though.

To future me, as you're reading this: You Wish You Were Me.

Haha, probably not. But still. I hope you're in a better place in life right now.

I hope that for you all, too. Have a good day/night.

Luv you <3