Fire & Ice - A Draco Malfoy fanfiction

Chapter 68 - Drapetomenia, an overwhelming urge to run away

Never be ashamed of how deeply and passionately you loved someone who destroyed you, because destroying things is just who they are... but loving things deeply and passionately is who you are.

- butterflies rising

I hadn't moved a muscle since the Dark Lord had spoken those words. My father had been left behind in Azkaban because of me, because I had been foolish enough to think that I could get away with fooling the Dark Lord. I was the reason that my own father was locked up in Azkaban.

I closed my eyes as the world around me started spinning. This was all too much.

I would go down in Selwyn history as the girl who got a respectable Selwyn man locked up for life. I would forever be a disappointment.

My mother, I had to go see my mother. Did she know already? Did she know that her husband would never return home? Did she know that it was my fault? I had to go there. I had to pack my bags, tell her I was sorry and I had to leave. I couldn't live there anymore.

For once in my life I felt like my mother had the right to hate me. I had failed. Snape had told the Dark Lord, because I hadn't kept up the act when Draco got hurt. I failed, I showed my true colours to the one person who couldn't find out.

"Eleanor, darling?" I heard. I turned around to see Narcissa looking at me worryingly. I wrapped my hands around each other to stop them from shaking, but it was no use.

"Eleanor, come inside and let me get you a cup of tea. I know it's a lot to take in", she sighed.

"I have to go to my mother. I have to tell her that I'm sorry and that it's all my fault", I said, my voice shaking audibly.

"Eleanor, Eleanor, you don't need to do that", Narcissa said, putting her hands on my upper arms.

"Yes, I do! She's waiting for her husband who will never come home again. She's going to hate me if I tell her that I failed. It's my fault that the Dark Lord found out! I wasn't careful enough!"

"Eleanor, listen to me", Narcissa said urgently. "It's not your fault, okay? And you can't go home."

"I have to! I have to at least tell her myself!"

"Eleanor, she knows already", Narcissa said. "She has known for a while now."

I frowned. Snape only got back from Hogwarts a few days ago. How could my mum have known already?

"What do you mean?" I asked silently. It was quiet for a while and the sad look I had seen earlier returned to Narcissa's face.

"Eleanor, your mother is the person who told the Dark Lord about you and Draco."

I stared at her in shock. I felt like all the air had been pushed out of my lungs. I couldn't breathe properly and the whole world seemed to be crumbling down slowly. My own mother had sold me out to the Dark Lord.

"She figured the Dark Lord would punish you and not your father", Narcissa said. "I went over there and yelled at her for what she did, but it can't be undone. You can't go home, Eleanor, your mother doesn't want you there."

And then I started crying. For the second time in a little over a year, I was sobbing uncontrollably.

"Hey, everything will be okay. I do want you here", she said, reaching out to hug me. "I do want you here."

"Don't touch me", I said and stepped away from her. I didn't blame her or suddenly dislike her, but I didn't want to be hugged right now. I didn't want anyone around me right now because I felt like I was a ticking time bomb. It was my defense mechanism to push people away.