Fire & Ice - A Draco Malfoy fanfiction

Chapter 69 - I wish the sunset was right

"Finding yourself" is not really how it works. You aren't a ten-dollar bill in last winter's coat pocket. You are also not lost. Your true self is right there, buried under cultural conditioning, other people's opinions, and inaccurate conclusions you drew as a kid that became your beliefs about who you are. "Finding yourself" is actually returning to yourself. An unlearning, an excavation, a remembering who you were before the world got its hands on you.

- Emily McDowell

I hadn't slept much, maybe an hour or two, but I didn't feel tired when I woke up. The sun was rising, slowly peeking through the thick, black curtains. My head was still on Draco's chest and he was still sleeping peacefully. He had put an arm around my waist somewhere during the night, holding me close. I took a couple deep breaths, noticing how nice It felt to wake up with him, even though I had only slept a short while.

He made me happy, but this place made me deeply, deeply unhappy. How was I supposed to choose between that?

I carefully slipped out of bed, walking towards the window. I opened it to let some fresh air in and pulled myself onto the window sill to look at the sunrise. It coloured everything in an orange hue, as if telling you that everything would be okay today. I wish the sunset was right.

Draco didn't wake up for another two hours, but I just let him sleep. Mainly because he usually had trouble sleeping, and I also didn't quite know what to tell him. Run away with me, please? Was that an option?

He didn't say anything either when he woke up. He just stood up and made his way over to where I was sitting . He gently pressed a kiss against my temple, brushing his hand through my hair. I closed my eyes at his touch. It always made everything seem a bit more okay for some reason.

"How do you feel?" he asked eventually. I thought about that for a while. How díd I feel? Overwhelmed but placid, stressed but calm, sad but placid, a never ending paradox.

DRACO'S POV

"I feel like a sailboat in a storm, lost at sea", she whispered, her eyes trained on a spot in the distance. I took her hand in mine, but she didn't respond. She just sat there, staring at nothing in particular.

It scared me to see her like that. It gave me chills, it made me question everything and anything. Her fire had gone out, possibly forever. All that was left was a pile of ashes.

I hoped she hadn't lost it completely, but I was far from certain about that. A piece of her was broken and I was afraid that it could not be mended again. But maybe, maybe she could get it back. With my help, with Tracey's help, with Daphne's help and with her own efforts. She was the strongest woman I knew in my life. She could do it, rise from her ashes like a phoenix.

I had stressed all of yesterday about her not reaching out, about her hiding out in her room. I was scared that she would do something irrational or that she would shut me out. But then in the middle of the night she was suddenly there. She chased all the nightmares away and brought calmth. She was my rock and my one and only. And I couldn't help but feel like I was the rock that she needed right now. A sailboat lost at sea during a storm.

"Well, then let me be your lighthouse", I whispered, wrapping my arms around her waist and putting my chin on her head. I placed a soft kiss on her cheek and she closed her eyes momentarily.

"I'm here for you, Ellie, always."

"I'm fine", she said, the tone of her voice very neutral. "Don't worry about me." She was far from fine, but it was no use to try and get her to talk right now. I was just happy that she was still here with me.