The Theory of Kayden

[19.5] the theory of handwritten letters

Dear Kayden,

Hey, bro. Ryan here. Yes, your asshole older brother who regrets every decision he made from the age of sixteen up until now. I guess by now you're probably wondering why the hell I'm writing to you and not using some other form of more modern technology but it's because I can't. Because I'm dead.

Yup, you read that right. I'm dead.

No, I'm not writing this from the afterlife. I'm writing it from Syria where I'm deployed at the moment. I'm hoping that I'm going to return from our mission and I can retrieve these letters and I can burn them so that they never see the light of day but if you're reading this, that didn't happen. I didn't return. Well, I did, but in a wooden box instead of my legs.

Kade, after what happened to mum and dad, I couldn't bear to stay and get put through the system. I wasn't becoming a foster kid. I wasn't getting new parents. So I ran away, obviously. I packed a few essentials into a rucksack and joined the Marines. I was fit enough, so I did.

I don't know how much you remember of that night, but I haven't forgotten it and I wasn't the one who witnessed it. I don't know how you and Xander got out of there alive but I'm forever thankful that you did.

So thankful that I need to tell you I'm sorry. I'm sorry for leaving you two on your own. I'm sorry for being such a shitty big brother. I'm sorry for not being there for you guys. I'm sorry for blaming you when it was me that ate the last cookie. I'm sorry for not letting you play on my PlayStation. I'm sorry for hitting you with my chemistry textbook when I was doing my GSCE's. I'm sorry for everything.

It's up to you now, Kade. You're the big brother. I need you to step up and do what I didn't. I need you to be the brother that Xander wants - that he needs. I need you to love Xander more than you love yourself. I need you to be there for him whenever he needs you to be. You need to be his Nanny McPhee - when he needs you but doesn't want you, be there, but when he wants you and doesn't need you, distance yourself. Let him grow up to be the best man he can. I need you to make sure that he knows he's a good person. I need you not to be the ass of brother that I was. I need you to be a whole load better than me.

He needs you, Kade. He needs you now more than ever. Remember, when he tells you he hates you, he doesn't. When he pushes you away, he doesn't want to. When he takes his anger out on you, he doesn't mean it. I remember when you two were little and you'd be fighting one minute and playing together the next.

And last of all, get your ass out into the big wide world, Kayden Lucas Forrester. Get yourself a nice girl, make millions with that band of yours - yes, I've been keeping tabs - and give Xander the life he deserves. Go for it. I dare you.

Oh, and one more thing. I love you, Kade. Everything I did was so that I didn't push my shitty thoughts and feelings onto you and Xander. I don't think I ever told you to your face that I love you, but I do. Now, go and make sure Xander knows you love him. Tell him every day, for Christ's sake. Just tell him. He needs to hear it.

Love, Ryan.

P.S - I'm guessing no one told you that I picked both yours and Xander's names and middle names? No? Well, now I'm telling you because now I'm dead, there's no one else. Go continue the Forrester family tree for me. I'll be watching.