little love

45

"we're so sorry, sir but he did not make it through," the doctor says, looking and sounding sad as he tells me the news.

"no, he has to make it," i say, feeling tears well up in my eyes, "he has to make it! isn't there anything else we can do?"

"im sorry, sir," the doctor says again, "but he's gone. there's nothing we can do. im sorry."

suddenly, it feels like i've been punched in the chest. everything tightens up, and it's hard to breathe. what does he even mean by that? ashton can't be gone. he was fine three hours ago and now he's dead?

that can't be, that can't be right.

i don't want it to be right - my husband, the absolutely love of my life, my everything is gone. i never thought that when i ever, ever took him to a hospital that i would end up leaving without him. everything hit me at once as i fall onto my knees onto the floor beneath me. i wasn't strong enough to stand. i wasn't strong enough to breathe - how was i suppose to live without him.

how unfair is it that the world is going to keep moving while im being left behind?

it doesn't even matter. it can keep moving. i don't want to live without ashton. i can't live without ashton.

i can feel people staring at me as i sob loudly and basically cradle myself on this hospital floor. i didn't care how i looked.

"a-ashy," i sob.

"you can come back and say goodbye before we send the body off."

i nod, and some how find the strength to stand up on my own two shaky legs and follow the doctor back to his room. as we got closer i could feel my heart beating harder against my weak rib cage. how was i even going to look at him to say goodbye, and then leave?

a gasp falls from my wet lips as i see his pale, lifeless body laying on the table. how? how was it that ashton was breathing three hours ago, and now he's gone?

"take as much time as you need," the doctor says, then leaves me alone with what was left of ashton.

"o-oh, baby," i cry, gently running my hand through his hair. some curls fall to the side, so i use my shaky fingers to push his beautiful hair back up.

"i love you baby," i whisper, and i lean down and wrap my arms around him. i don't know how the doctor expects me to leave, because i just can't fathom leaving my whole world here, lifeless on a hospital operating table.

i'll be leaving myself as well-

_

calum shoots up - he's hyperventilating, he's covered in sweat, and ashton is all he could think about.

"a-ashton," calum sobs, grabbing his phone. it's hard to click on the buttons his his fingers were shaking so bad it was hard to keep steady and actually work the phone. eventually, he manages to call ashton and put the phone up to his ear.

of course, ashton doesn't answer. that puts calum into more of a panic attack.

calum is sobbing loudly and harshly breathing as he stumbles his way into the hallway, and down to michaels room. michael, who was already awake since he had heard commotion.

"calum, hun, whats wrong?" michael asks, rushing to calums side.

"ash-ashton died!" calum sobs, and thats all he says before going deadweight in michaels arms. luke comes running into the room right then, looking at michael with a pale, worried expression.

"look at me, calum. hey, look at me," michael says slowly and calmly. calums still sobbing as he looks at michael.

"you had a bad dream, yeah?" michael says softly, "ashton didnt die."

luke bites his lip, and gives michael a look. they knew they had to take calum to see him, even if it was five in the morning. this panic attack was way too bad, and since ashton was the only one who could calm him, well...

it was time.

"why dont we get dressed, and go to the hospital?" michael says, "and you can stay with ashton all day."

calul nods, but doesn't have the strength to get up. so, michael and luke help dress him, they dress themselves, and then head out to the hospital.

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ashton will not die stay calm
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unedited
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