I'll be yours

Chapter 30

        They say that when you are planning to end your life, You leave warnings, or you lose interest in things that you onced loved to do.  Luke didn't do that.  I thought that for a while.  Until I read about it again and learned that the other half of suicide is caused by a tramatic expierience, and the taking of ones own life is done almost immediatly after.

        So basically thats how it all went down.  I didnt live out my dreams and I learned that even my idol had flaws.  I learned the very definiton of the one word that just barley beigns to explain the fraction of how he made me feel.  Real.

        I know have a constant dull ache in my stomache and I sleep alone at night.  The guys stop by every once in a while to check up on things when they're in town, and Michael and Elliot are still hooking up whenever they cross paths.  Sometimes i think about how difernt things turned out, How im not with the love of my life, how, like other bands 5 Seconds of Summer died off once the tragic death of their lead singer, who was replaced, but it died down quickly.  I never traveled and i didnt finish college.  If you would've told me that when i was 18 I would have denied every word of it. 

        I think i truly understand how Luke felt now thst things turned out this way.  He had this plan written out perfectly for everyone in his life, and it all took an unexpected turn once i entered it. 

        So Luke I'm sorry for being the one who pushed you over the edge.  And the Irony that i wanted to save you so badly.  And I'm so sorry that you never to meet the smiling little boy that has your eyes and was, after you left, the only reaosn i got up in the morning.  

        You would be so mad if you knew that he spent most nights at your moms house because I was too emotionally unstable to handle another person.  You'd be even more angry with me if you knew he will probably spend the rest of his life without either of us.  He will grow up with only the slight memory of me picking me up from daycare on Wednesdays, and photographs of you hanging in the walls of your parents house.  He may eventually think it was his fault, but  i want him to know that i couldnt cause anyone else anymore pain.  It was time for me to go.  

        So tell me again how it is Luke.  How do you feel knowing millions of girls would have paid hundreds of dollars for you to play for them for a few hours.  To have had every girl in the world want you, and you still chose me.  I bet you regret it. 

        -Lia