Patient

18

Kellan

Dear Cam,

I know it's the third letter this week but who else is going to read my crap and not say I need to suck it up. God, I wish you were here, with me helping me decide what is right and what is wrong because somehow albeit younger you always had this thing that made you always take right decisions.

Currently, believe it or not, I am writing to you not from my bedroom on the stationary I normally use but from her place. Her couch, her printer blank sheets of paper, her black gel pen.

I ha my first session with her hours ago as you might already realize. My friends who now happen to be her friends as well, invited me to watch a game at our favorite bar lounge. She gave me a ride with the promise I guess, of me driving her back since she wanted to drink. The protective side of me wanted to tell her. "No, you're not drinking." But how could I? How could I deny her something like that when I do the same thing to forget my demons.

I stared at her all the way to the bar as we horribly sang along to the music from her sound system. There, it was very hard for me to suppress the smile I wanted to display at seeing her get all worked up for the game. Yes, it did indeed turn me on, which had never happened to me before. Thus why I tried to pay attention to the game but I couldn't. My jaw would clench just like my fists trying to gain some sort of control over myself but I just couldn't.

Her smile over our team's win did wonderful things to me. So wonderful I had to go get some fresh air to gain some semblance of control. Have I told you I have quit smoking? I think I have but yes I quit about seven months ago and have been clean ever since. As I went out to get some air, it felt like a flash back to those days were I'd walk out "needing air".

As I was outside I realize there is something about her I'm scared to lose, because I know I won't find it in anyone else. This realization is the one that drove to accept in a heartbeat the idea of becoming his specialist.

I walked back inside with the purpose of talking to her about how she feels about the sessions and this new way I planned out those five minutes I was outside. Yet, when I walked in an spotted her I was rooted to the spot. She was dancing, her hips swaying to the relaxed beat. Her head followed the movements of her hips and I was hypnotized. Her hands traveled her sides until they reached her hair,which she pulled up. That was all it took for my neurons to reach my legs so they could move.

I reached her and she sensed it was me because she didn't tense or reject the touch. Before I knew it, it all went from innocent dancing to fervent kissing.

You know I've always pretended that I don't need to be kissed, held, touch or need to be taken care for but then need swells up and it's a thunderhead that storms down, sweeping over me like a summer flash flood of need. This is one of those times when need is so strong and powerful it controls my every move, like the wind and rain controls everything during a hurricane

I wanted to be held, kissed and touched by her and only her in that moment. Nothing had ever felt as good as when her lips were pressed to mine and I could taste her unique taste mingled with my own and scotch. Her tongue danced with mine and there was nothing in the entire universe that would ever compare.

We had to stop our marvelous encounter thanks to drunken assholes but I was high on hope and lust that tonight would end with me in her bed or her in mine. The universe of course had different plans for me since minutes after she entered her car, which she was allowing me to drive, she passed out. Damn cock-blocking alcohol.

But of course, I didn't mind before I could still taste her on my lips and it was like a little piece of heaven. When we arrived to our apartment complex, a stayed with her in the cozy confines of her car. Andrew Belle's In Your Veins was playing as I stroke her cute, flushed face and scarlet hair. After staring at her for quite some time, I got out, rounded the car and carried her in my arms to her apartment. Somehow, I managed to palm out her keys and entered her apartment, managing to keep her in my arms. She nuzzled against my chest and exhaled a smile stretching across her face.

I put her to bed, unlacing her Chucks, taking off her jeans with gentle care and as much gentleman-ness I could muster. I gently threw the covers on top of her, covering her, before I leaned down to press a soft kiss to her temple.

She shifted and whispered my name. I smiled, yeah she was totally dreaming about me, so I whispered "Yes, I'll be dreaming about you too." I closed her bedroom door and ended up sitting down on her couch. I don't want to leave her alone, she had a lot to drink what if she has the urge to throw up? What if she chokes because there was now one to get her any water?

I know I am just making excuses but at least they are valid. I guess there is just this innate quality in me that wants to save everyone around me.

Still I can't believe I couldn't save you but I think the universe is giving me a second chance to once and for all redeem myself.

Okay, I think that's enough universe talk.

I am still counting down the days and I couldn't be more bittersweet about it.

You know, I'd love to maybe someday get a letter back from you, maybe after you are finally eighteen. Yes, that's it. When your finally eighteen are you willing to try? Even if it's just to tell me that you hate me and wish to never receive a letter from me, I accept it with open arms.

Love always,
Your Kel.