Patient

6

Kellan

Dear Cam,

I just got last week's letter. This time it got forwarded unopened. Maybe your father got tired of reading my shit or you got tired of my shit but I won't stop trying. Your birthday is coming soon. Finally the big 18. You know I always celebrate your birthday. Seven years might have passed but every year I buy a cake and light up the equivalent of your years in candles. After that I go with Dean and get drunk to the point I pass out. Not a good example perhaps so please don't do that.
This week once more has been uneventful except for the passed weekend. I found out that Dean' new girl is friend's with my neighbor. Small world huh? We all went out together to a bar, to which she had o give me a ride cause my stupid car continues hibernating. We played pool and would you believe the little tease beat me at it? Remember when we used to play, you could never beat me but hey, I was older. We even made a bet and of course he won. I had to cook her breakfast. I made pancakes the ones I used to bake you? Remember? Well I hope you do. She loved them, we watched a movie afterwards and I couldn't help the way my chest constricted every time she laughed. I was mesmerized by her laughter, oh, and her moans as she ate completely priceless.
Is that too much? Okay, maybe. I haven't seen her all this week. I've had a lot of work and I've been fidgety, and anxious. Most probably the idea of knowing you'll have a birthday once again and I won't be there, again.
This is most definitely the worst days of the year. I miss you so much. I miss your laugh, your infectious smiles. I miss how you had the power to obliterate all badness around and light up the day. I wish your father would understand I never meant to hurt you, al I wanted was to protect you but as always I can never to anything right.
Everything I ponder on what I could have don't differently so we wouldn't be this way but we can go back and all the what if's are better left alone. What I do wonder is what I'd done if I didn't have Dean by my side. Losing you destroyed me, the pain I've caused you haunts me. I haven't had a full night sleep ever since. I have the same nightmare every single night, I wonder when will they ever go away.
I love you, Cam, I miss you like you have no idea. Seeing you made my fucked up world a thousand times better and now, it's void of anything. I might laugh, and rejoice but it can never be true. Inside guilt and hurt resides forever. Sometime I want to blame Angela for all that happened to us but I just can't. I fucked everything, like always. I hope that maybe someday, I can do at least one thing right with you.
I hope you get to read this one and that your father finally decides to let me see you even if the only thing I get is from a distance I don't care. I just need to see that you're okay. I need to know you don't hate me so much for everything i caused with my selfishness. I always have to relive the past with these letters but how can I move on, if I never even get a one worded response? You have no idea how hard this is for me.
Hope school is going great, hope you graduate with honors, hope that you get to study what you want. Hope to see you succeed. Hope you are happy, even if you don't share that happiness with me. After all who am I to ask you that?

Love,

Kel.