Patient

4

Ryanne

"I thought you were coming until later." Brad comments, confusion shadowing his face.

"Yeah, I need to talk to you about...this?" I say the last word as if it were a question. He moves aside from the door allowing me to walk in. This is always awkward, and now that I think about it, I can't remember how we even end up tangled in bedsheets. I don't remember what happens once I've walked in, or how I did, the only thing I remember about our trysts, is when and how I leave.

Somehow, he has the ability of falling asleep the minute after it's over and that's when I flee. The numbness still settled inside me.

I sit on one of the tall chairs at the breakfast bar and wait for him to join me.

"Want something to drink?" He asks. I shake my head in response.

I look down at me hands, they are white from the almost-skin-piercing grip I have on my car keys. "Bradley." I start and have to clear my throat before continuing. "What we started doing is wrong." My voice a mere whisper. "I am using you for my own selfish, stupid grief stages. I've known you since we were babies and I am being the worst friend you could ever have. I am supposed to be like your sister not your fuck buddy. You deserve someone who will love you to the ends of the Earth because you are one of those guys you find once every one hundred years." I finally meet his eyes and I can see in them what I saw the day everything started. Pity.

"Please, don't look at me like that. I don't want your pity. I am old enough to take care of myself." I stand intending to leave not quite sure if it is because of my pride or simply because I don't want to continue this conversation.

"Ry, I am not pitying you. I care for you and yes what we have been doing is wrong but everyone deals with grief in different ways. Yours just happened to be that one. "

I sigh and try to gather my bearings before asking my next question. "Do you have feelings for me?"

It's his turn to sigh. "You have captivated and mesmerized me every time. But, I know things between us won't work. It doesn't matter than in my eyes your the prettiest girl I see, I know your heart is not mine and most probably never will. I understand and because I know this was my chance to make you fall for me and I couldn't do it, it tells me in a crystal clear voice, you are not mine, and were not meant to ever be."

Guilt.

It is the only thing that still has me rooted to the chair. Tears leave their guilt trip down my cheeks. I hurt him, maybe not beyond repair, but hurt none the less. I knew this would never end well, I just dreaded this too much. "I'm so sorry, Brad. I am a horrible friend, and I can't believe how selfish I have been."

He pulls me to him and cradles my head in his arms. "Shh" he soothes. "Whatever happens to us, and by us I mean human race, happens for a reason. I will move on and so will you."

"I don't deserve you." I say but it comes out muffled by his chest.

"The only reason why you have me, is because you do."

I cry some more while he holds me. The weight of the world lifting from my shoulders. Guilt flowing out of my system through my tears.

~ • ~

"Have a safe trip." He says leaning on my driver's door window.

"I will. Sorry for being a shitty friend and thank you for being such a great friend." I say an rueful smile on my lips.

"I'll always be here for you."

After that, he gives me a sweet, goodbye, lingering kiss on the forehead and turn round to go inside.