Patient

15

Kellan

Dear Cam,

You won't believe what has happened to me.

She's my new patient. She, the girl who gave me the kiss to end all kisses. The girl who I want to see smile so genuinely, she twinkles. The girl I've had dirty dreams about, my neighbor. Ryanne. When I saw her standing in front of Chastity, the receptionist, I thought she was just a figment of my imagination but it was her.

She was nervous, stuttering every single time she spoke. She bit her bottom lip, and picked at her nails constantly. With her all my rules, my professionalism, my ethics are gone with the wind and thrown out the window. She makes me different, with her everything is different.

Like every other session, I recorded it. She was scared and dubious when I asked her if it was okay if I did. I remember how she, as a sign of nervousness, captured her bottom lip between her teeth before nodding in agreement. As I am writing to you, I am replaying the tape. Nothing weird happened and I didn't want to get into the hard, deep and raw stuff.

Our session went something like this:

"Are you...are you going to get in trouble for this?" She asked tentatively.

I turned to look at her after grabbing my notepad and file from his desk. "Are you planning on telling anyone?"

She shook her head.

"Good, neither am I."

I walked her over to the seating area. She goes to the coach facing the floor to ceiling window and I sit in my chair adjacent to her. Her leg keeps bobbing, her hands fidgeting.

"If you are uncomfortable I can recommend you to another specialist. I know this is hard."

She looked down at her hand and then closed her eyes breathing in deep. She was having a hard time with this so I tentatively reached out and touched her joined hands. Her eyes immediately opened, guiding her eyes to mine, wide as if my touched had burned her yet she didn't move them away.

"You can trust me." I whispered trying to sooth her. "I know what it's like to have bad, horrible and abominable things to happen to you. You can trust me." I tried to tell with my eyes all I couldn't say through my mouth, and I guess it worked because she nodded and I moved back to get started.

She took a few more deep breaths and when I asked her if she was ready nodded. Just then, an idea dawned on me. "Wait a sec." I told her. She gave me a curious look as I stood up and moved to one of my drawers where I had disposed the tie I'd used earlier. "I'm going to blindfold you..." The second after I'd said those 5 words I was rewarded with that smirk and flick of wit she always possesses. "And before your mind goes to the gutter, although it probably already went..." I said chuckling with her. "This is so you don't see and don't think so much about how it's me your talking to."

She nodded again, I suppose she wasn't that talkative then. I blindfolded her and went back to my seat. My fingers itched to touch her more, to heal her with a flick of my fingers, to bend her and repair her with my words.

I, myself was going to need a blindfold but I had to manage. I cleared my throat and asked her the two questions I always asked at first sessions. "What is that one thing you want to accomplish the most?"

She answered nothing until. "Shouldn't you be asking about what is wrong with me?"

I chuckled. "Sorry, I shouldn't be laughing but truth is there is nothing wrong with you. Your mind is just in the wrong place an it keeps driving in circles. I will ask about your past, and I will know your past but in order to understand it, I need to know your future and what you want it to be."

She bit her lip again before answering what people normally answered. She wants to become an engineer and work at a big car engine company or a company that made and designed engines for electric wheelchairs. She wants to inspire and help others in many ways possible. I explained to her that most of what she said is what she wants to be as a work-wise, academic level but What I was looking for is her state of mind, emotion's future.

She paused not knowing what to answer. "Oh," She's said. "Well, I don't...I don't know."

People normally answer John Lennon's quote. "I'd like to be happy." But she didn't. She just didn't know. I asked again and she'd say, "I just, my mind is a mess and I feel like I've been barely hanging on this cliff waiting for someone not to pull me up but to be there with me holding my hand and trying to not fall down and if I do, to go with me and suck away the scariness. Does that even make sense?"

And it did, I understood her perfectly. I wanted to be that person that would crawl down that cliff and grab her hand holding it tight in mine as the world raged on us.

"I understand. So,for the next question, Do you believe that if you don't do this you might do something or act in a certain way that might not have happened if the world wasn't so cruel?"

Yeah,I don't normally speak that way and you know that Cam but with her everything is different.

"Yes, I do. I am not plotting my suicide or about to go all emo and shit but I am not myself, I don't think I've been myself in a really long time and yes I'd like to meet that girl again. Bring her back from where ever she has been hiding."

"Do you think this will help her bring her out?"

"That's why I am doing this. I want to be myself again."

And I'll make that happen. Was all I could think about. All the ways I could make that happen. Just when I was about to reach out for her again, the timer went off. We both jump and she immediately took of the tie off her face. I told her it was just the timer and she relaxed. She adjusted to the light and turned to look at me with worried eyes.

"Will this work?"

"I have no idea, but I'll try my damnedest."

You have to know how true that statement is. I said I was going try my damnedest to get you out of that house and I did. Not in the best ways, and not with the best results an you can resent me that forever but I know that somehow, I made your life somewhat better. I still cause most of the pain you have suffered but I still believe some of your good things have come from what I did even if that almost got me in jail.

I guess I have a thing for illicit things because I don't want to let her go, even if I should and I want to end and restart what we did on the hood of my car. So many things swimming in the depths of my brain that I don't know what will be the outcome of it all.

All I do wish is that if I do help her, I don't end up destroying you like I almost did you.

But, the past can't be changed and I'll I wish is for time to move faster and bring me closer to you and...Ryanne. Yes, I'd love to be closer to Ryanne and peel away each and ever layer of her, and not the clothe type of layer.

Yes, I am getting worst by ever letter. Sorry.

Love always,

Kel.