LOVING A SEMINARIAN

CHAPTER X CANNOT BE

JOYCE

"WE FALL IN LOVE TO SOMEONE WE CAN'T HAVE."

It was written on a bold capital letters. The word was simply appeared there on wall street. It was just an ordinary vandalism but it brought me an uncounted pain.

Last night was quite a worst night of my life.  I experienced that thing I read on blogs or magazine about being sleepless thinking about a person. It's horrifying that even my eyes longing for a deep rest yet my mind won't cooperate. It stayed awake until the sun came rise again.

So today consider me as a zombie. Living without a functional brain. Maybe I just need to eat out some brain so I would be able to work well.

(gosh!!)

I took 2 pieces of paracetamol before I leave and even brought some in my bag. I need to be ready for the future unconsciousness.

Other part of my mind saying maybe I'm over reacting about last night. That maybe he came to say sorry and not to some sort of love thing. He was sweet before and I misinterpreted it so now I think I still did the same mistake.

Its not like he swear his love to me..I'm his friend that's all it means. 

Arghh!

Everything I said was stupid. I'm acting like a broken hearted girlfriend that wanted to move on. How could I not realize how embarrassing it was? I imagining how he would laugh at me later or tease me in front of everyone.

I became so confident about myself without thinking the many of the possibility.

After all baka tama rin naman ang ginawa ko. Tama lang na sinabi ko yon para malaman niya na nakakagulo na. Baka pagkatapos nito wala ng mga sweet gesture at kung ano pang pa fall move niya.

I'm his friend. I will put that in mind.

Well, I will start to learn how not to remember him often. Yeah. That would be a great idea.

Two years ago it happened and today its happening again. The way things back to normal. The way he acted like nothing is going on. The way he makes me feel that for the second time around I was right...that believing of him might be falling for me was all a mistake. Of course it's never gonna happen. Like ever.

Johann was good on doing it. He was good of not caring anything about what happened from the past few days. He didn't even showing a little bit of awkwardness towards me. He's just Johann, the bullied one, the happy go lucky guy, the one who doesn't care about the world,the one who vowed to be a God servants. No sweetness, no stories behind, no arts and no intense gaze. Not a Johann behind the face he's wearing. Just a plain Johann. A Johann I knew well.

Perhaps, which would I prefer? I wish I could have both.

I sighed trying to relax my mind. After all this was all I ever wanted right? So why I'm not jumping in triumph now?

(Oh yeah! Never mind my disappointment within. )

"Joyce!"

I turned around and saw Zach holding something in his hand. On her right was a small book with a cross on the cover and on his left was a flowers.

He smiled widely at me raising his both hands up.

"What?"

I asked.

"Well I want to send a gift to a friend. She's a girl and its her birthday.. Help me to choose what to give.."

I rolled my eyes without realizing he's serious.

"Really?"

He nodded.

"Uhmmmm...."

Napatingin ako ulit sa dala niya. He was just asking me a very easy question but I couldn't answer it. Saan nga ba ang dapat niyang ibigay? A single choice could make a huge interpretation. Even with the book or with the flowers. It's like choosing between plain friendship or friendship with something.

I looked over to Johann who's also listening and waiting for my answer. He's smirking like holding his laugh within. Zach on the other hand seems want to laugh too.

"You decide..kaibigan mo yon alam mo kung ano gusto niya. Please stop making fun of that kind of stupid joke. You know it won't be good for your image right?"

"Are you pissed?"

"I'm not..I just hated that kind of question.."

"Why?"

Johann consigned .

"Because its not funny..!"

"it's a question, it's not meant to be laugh but to be answered"

"then I don't have an answer!"

sounding irritated.

"or you just scared to answer.

??"

I froze. How come the truths always shutting me? I looked at him furiously.

"Waat---ev----verr--"

I mouthed and decided to went back to the counter. Arghh! I hate him!

I heard them laugh again but I didn't bothered to interfere.

Before they went back Johann approached me with his usual talk again. I'm not expecting him to do it again but it feels bad knowing he's so comfortable about anything. Why I couldn't feel the same way too? Why having this usual conversation was so uncomfortable for me?

"Your such a...an alien..!"

"I am..Im on my mask"

he said joking back. Napangiti ako at tumingin sa kanya.

"Anyway about yesterday

..I'm sorry..its not.."

"No.!It's okay..it's not a big deal anyway..! Lets forget about it.."

Wow. Just Wow. Those words came from his mouth was like the most painful words I've ever heard. Kahit na alam ko naman na wala lang yon. Na wala naman talagang meaning lahat yon. Pero iba pa rin pala pag narinig ko na mula sa kanya. Iba pala ang tagos nito sa puso.

"Yeah..that's what I'm trying to say"

Nasabi ko nalang at pilit na ngumiti

. Ngumiti din siya at tumayo para magpaalam.

"Well..then perfect. I gotta go.."

maiksi niyang tugon at sumunod ma sa kasamahan niyang bumalik sa loob. 

Natatawa ako sa sarili. Para lang pala akong tanga sa kakaassume ng kung ano ano.  Such a fool move Joyce. Just so fool.

Napatawa nalang ako mag isa at sinubukang alisin ang kirot sa loob ko.

Well, no words could kill you right? I can't have him anyway.

I will not forget that.