"That one afternoon, I kissed you. In the middle of the street, where a white truck zoomed past our connected lips. And boy, it caused problems we couldn't have seen, but wasn't it also amazing?"
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With the sun flooding into the room and a sudden rush of warmth against my back, I woke up slowly. My eyes felt the heaviest they had been but at the time, I felt refreshed. I looked beside me at the clock and saw it was past nine o'clock. I was surprised that I had slept more than ten hours.
Stretching, I felt the warmth against my back again, it was steadily crawling up to my neck and cheeks when I realized that it was actually Deen. Slowly, I turned around to see him wide awake and when he felt my eyes, he looked up.
"Sorry for taking over the sheets. . . And your side of the bed. . . And your pillow—oh my gosh," I said, sitting up.
Deen laughed but refrained from a verbal response. I backed away from him and returned to the cold side of the bed. It was still uneasy between us and I didn't want to invade his space, given that he was still upset with me. I watched him put down the book in his hands and remove his glasses.
I didn't know how to apologize or tell him that I missed him but I did know that I needed to tell him my feelings. The ones that haunted me from my past and the ones that corrupted my present. He deserved that much but I didn't know if he would accept my truthfulness.
After the both of us got up and went to the restroom, we returned to the bed again. Deen looked at me thoughtfully and I couldn't help but gain nerves in the pit of my stomach.
"You have something to tell me? You want to talk about something?" Deen asked.
"Yes," I replied softly. "I lied."
"Hm, you lied?"
"When—when I apologized to you, I lied because I was scared of actually talking to you. I had been told so many things about our relationship without people even knowing you and I and I freaked out. You were right last night about me being a creation of my environment. I've seen and heard so many things and sometimes it makes me go crazy. Crazy enough to turn on the people who love me because I get in my head."
Deen nodded, letting me continue talking.
"When I was young, I would always watch things around me. I didn't have anything else to do and with nobody to keep me company, I watched and listened. I watched my mom a lot and noticed how unhappy she was. At the time, I loved my mom with all my heart and when I saw the way people treated her, I got upset. I saw the way she looked so sad but when she was in front of family and strangers, she was smiling. She served everyone and got nothing in return," I said.
I continued. "You tell me what I need to know as a woman, leave out stuff that I apparently won't understand, tell me don't worry about things that concern you. You tell me to stay here and sit there, sometimes it's you saying I shouldn't concern myself with certain topics or you making fun of me, teasing me, and laughing. I hate when you laugh at me, especially in front of people. I know you don't know you're doing it and it's harmless, I know, but it matters. It only adds to my worry and paranoia. I'm confused on whether I'm being too sensitive or should be offended that you dismiss me in those ways. It's harmless, I think."
