I Caught You |BWWM|

I Caught You: PART ii "What is Home?"

Paislee
"ii"

I was here in Indiana, but it had yet to feel like home.

So many feelings I had were on the tip of my tongue yet I could not properly express them. I had expectations, all of which were good. So many expectations. I remember them clear as day.

"Once Deen and I get all of our stuff moved in then we can finally start the life that we deserve. Without my parents, without knowing anyone except for Dean and Margaret."

"This is going to be the place where we start a family."

"I just want to be happy. I want Deen to be happy. That's all I can ask for."

"I want to be happy with Deen."

"I just want to be happy here. . ."

Some expectations came true, leaving me thirsty for more good luck and positivity as I navigated this new city. It was disappointing when everything started to slowly feel like it was crumbling in my hands. I changed, Deen then changed, and to think that I couldn't put my finger on the origin of the disease that festered within our lives. It was terrible knowing that something was going bad and you didn't know how to stop it. Things had gotten past the point of just being awkward between Deen and I. It was now to the point where I hated being in the same space as him. The energy was weird and I never knew how bad things could get when you simply didn't talk to someone every day until now.

So, I laid here in the bedroom of our house, sprawled out on the bed with a vinyl case clutched to my chest. Through the vinyl speaker, hard rock music was spewing from it. The vinyl case was held hostage in my arms as I heard the sounds of drums and metal symbols clashing. This was my secret while Deen was at work. I didn't know why I didn't want him to know that I had a newly developed love for rock music but I just didn't. I didn't know why. . . I was never really a secret-keeper.

Now I kept a lot of secrets, from Deen at least. That was a new low for me. We came to a new city for a happy beginning, and in the end, all we ended up doing was arguing about our personal lives and forgetting to talk to each other.

I remember for the beginning weeks we got here, Deen and I would go to sleep but before closing our eyes we would lay in bed. Facing each other with a small smile, he would trace the outline of my body softly. Starting at my cheek, my jaw, my neck, collarbone to between my breast, down my stomach where I would laugh, and over my hips. It was about five times of him following that route before he would pepper kisses on my face, tell me how pretty I was, and how much he loved me, and then he would turn to his side of the bed and fall asleep.

I thought I missed his touch. Until recently, he came home from work and I scrunched my nose at the thought of his hugs or kisses.

Like right now.

I heard Deen's car in the driveway to our house. Outside it was raining but I could still hear the crunch of the gravel underneath his wheels.

I jumped up, removing the vinyl from the player and sliding it back into its case before rushing to hide it in my portion of the closet. I smoothed my dress out and stood in front of the bedroom door in hopes that I could run down the steps of the house and busy myself in the kitchen somehow. When I opened the door, so had Deen and I had to slow myself before I toppled down the stairs.

Deen stared at me at the top of the stairs and gave me a perplexed look. I looked back, mentally cursing at this awkward, silent exchange. Then Deen broke eye contact, shook his head slightly, and went to the living room.

Neither of us said a word.

° ° °

"Angel? Baby? Paislee, I don't like how you are ignoring me," Deen whined from the bed.

I rolled my eyes at his dramatic antics and finished pinning my hair. Through the oval-shaped mirror, I saw Deen come behind me and tuck a strand of hair in my scarf. His nose gently traced the length of my neck until he rested his face on my shoulder.

"You smell really good. Like a baby," he said, laughing afterward.

"Wow. . . Thank you," I responded sarcastically. "Can you believe it's only been a week and a half since we got here? It still feels so new."

Deen hummed agreeing with me. "Let's go to bed. I'm sleepy."

"You're a child you know that?" I brushed through Deen's messy hair before walking to the bed and sliding under the cool covers.

Deen did the same and like a ritual, he faced me with a soft smile. This time, he cupped my hand to his face, and with the other hand, he traced the outline of my body. It helped me sleep nowadays. My eyelids shut heavily and I recalled all the places that Deen's fingertips gently touched.

"You were more tired than I thought you were," Deen said softly, running his fingers under my eyes for the first time.

There goes my cheek.

"Yeah, sorry for being a sleepy bum," I replied.

There's goes my collarbone. . . And my chest, and. . .

"You're fine, baby. I know you've been having trouble resting in the new place. Rest now, for me at least."

There goes my hips.

"I'll try."

His fingers were back to my lips. He came closer to my face, I could feel it. I felt him kiss my hand that was still cupping his face and his lips next to my ear.

"Pretty girl," he whispered simply. It was enough to his satisfaction before he whispered again, "I love you, sleep tight."

"I love you more," I whispered tiredly.

"Impossible."

° ° °

That memory happened months ago but every now and then, it came to visit me in my head.