Alone Without You

5

TW's:
-Suicidal thoughts
-Mentions rape/shock
-Self harm+blood (hospital+stitches)

I woke up hours later and suddenly it all hit me. I got raped again, it happened again. I started crying immediately, harder than I had ever done. Within seconds I had the worst panic attack in my whole life and I couldn't calm down anymore.

I was hyperventilating and I felt like passing out and throwing up at the same time. My hands were shaking so badly that I wasn't able to grab anything around me to calm down. I sat up, trying to calm my breathing rhythm, but it didn't work at all. I felt lightheaded and I felt like I was passing out any second now.

I didn't want to ask anyone for help, I didn't want to talk anymore. Instead of trying to calm down, I stood up, immediately collapsing. I crawled up again and walked downstairs. I knew my mum went upstairs to do some laundry and I grabbed the kettle in the house, preparing some hot water.

I didn't plan on drinking it at all, as soon as the kettle was done, I grabbed it, pouring all the boiling water on my skin. I felt tears stinging in my eyes because of the pain it gave me, but it didn't feel like enough. I now grabbed a knife out of the drawer and washed it for a little, cutting it deep in my skin after.

I was broken, I was completely broken. I got raped twice and the only people who knew didn't even believe me. It was breaking me, it was breaking my heart so badly that I thought self harm was the only way to calm down.

And it did help for that split second, but after that the pain inside returned even worse, making me scream because of the pain I was feeling as well on the outside as on the inside.

I collapsed on the ground after both my arms were covered in burns and cuts and I started breathing heavily again. The knife fell on the ground and I rolled myself up like a ball, crying even harder than I did before.

I heard footsteps coming down the stairs quickly and my mum came downstairs. She didn't get mad at me this time and sat down next to me, hugging me against her body. I tried pushing her away, since I didn't want anyone touching me, but she held me way too tight for me to struggle against it.

'Calm down, sweetie. Calm down, I'm sorry for screaming at you, okay? You are going to be okay, I promise you, okay? I'm going to call an ambulance, because you're bleeding badly. I think you need stitches, sweetie. I'm not mad at you, I'm sorry for yelling at you earlier. You're twenty four and even if you do things with girls, that's your choice. But if something else happened, I'm here for you.'

I nodded slightly, not talking at all. My mum stood up and grabbed her phone. 'I'm going to call an ambulance, because you're bleeding a lot and you're not talking, I can't tell if you're okay or not.'

She called an ambulance and held me tight in her arms the whole time, squeezing my arm so no blood could go down anymore. I was back to my complete shock and I started staring at the same spot constantly.

My mum ended the phone call and started rubbing through my hair slowly. I pushed her hand away and she nodded. 'I will only hug you, honey.'

I nodded slowly and my mum only held me tightly now, I still felt uncomfortable with her touch, but I let her for now.

'I love you, George. I don't want to lose you, okay? I'm sorry for being this mean to you the last days. Does this have anything to do with what you told us?'

I gave her a really small and unnoticeable nod and then I heard the doorbell ring. My mum stood up quickly, giving me the towel she was holding and opened the door, letting the paramedics come in.

I really didn't realise what happened but before I knew I was in the hospital. I got carried to a hospital bed and someone put an IV in my hand. Another doctor gave me stitches and took care of my bad burns. I didn't even feel the pain anymore and I laid my head back down on the pillow under my head. I hadn't said anything and I didn't feel the need to. I was so shocked and tired, I honestly just wanted to die.

I closed my eyes and I felt a tear dripping down my face. I started squeezing my hands to fists and grabbed my phone which my mum gave me. I opened my eyes again and I opened Dream's chat. He appeared to be really worried and I gave my phone to my mum. She understood immediately that I wanted her to reply to Dream and so she did. I was just able to read with her.

George
I'm George's mother, George isn't okay, he is in hospital right now and asked me to answer to you.

I saw Dream replying immediately.

Dream
oh gosh, what happened?

George
I don't know, he doesn't talk. I called an ambulance because he hurt himself a lot.

Dream
oh my goodness, really? im so worried now, is he going to be alright?

George
His arms are bandaged but he won't die.

Dream
i have been thinking about this longer now, but i really want to come to england to be with him

George
I bet he will like that a lot.

Dream
im booking a ticket

I smiled a little knowing I would go and meet up with Dream, but my smile faded a second after. I was so incredibly sad and I only wanted to cry. I rolled to my side, closing my eyes to fall asleep. I honestly hated my life so much, I didn't want to be like this anymore. I didn't want to live anymore.

1012 words