Alone Without You

25

TW's:
-Nightmare (knife threats+panic attack)
-Suicidal thoughts+self harm thoughts
-Mentions rape (self hate and disgust)

It was midnight of the next night and I had a nightmare again. Only this time it was even worse than ever before. Everything was so real again and I woke up screaming harder than I had ever done.

I wasn't fully awake and suddenly felt someone lay next to me. I started hitting the person next and completely broke down. I didn't know what I was doing and I jumped up, hiding in the corner of the room, screaming loudly.

I saw the person coming closer to me and I started kicking them, pushing them away. I ran away, towards the stairs and I ran down. I ran to the kitchen, opening a drawer to grab a knife to protect myself.

The person came downstairs and walked towards me really slowly. 'Georgie, put the knife away. It's only me, your best friend. I'm Clay, you always call me Dream. I'm not going to do you anything. Please, put the knife away, don't hurt me please. You will regret it, George. I'm your best friend, you remember that we are going to take care of a baby together?'

I was still holding the knife, pointed at him. My hands were shaking a lot and Dream walked backwards and turned on a small light.

'Do you recognise me?'

'Hurt me?'

'I'm not going to hurt you.'

'Touch me?'

'I'm not going to touch you if you don't want me to.'

'Knife away?'

'Yes, Georgie. Put the knife away.'

'Hurt myself?'

'No, no, you don't have to hurt yourself at all.'

'Knife away?'

'Yes. Put it down there,' he said, pointing to a table next to him.

I nodded slowly and walked to the table slowly, laying down the knife. I was really confused and I walked to the stairs, sitting down on the lowest step. For some reason I thought it was my bed and laid down.

'What are you doing, Georgie?'

'Sleeping.'

'Not on the stairs, honey. Come with me.'

I shook my head and stood up again, now laying down on the couch. I grabbed the cushions on the couch and laid them down on my body. 'Blanket.'

'You're really confused. Come, stand up.'

'No.'

'Can I touch you?'

I shrugged and Dream walked towards me, lifted me up under my knees and in my neck. He carried me upstairs and laid me down in bed, crawling next to me. He held me tightly so I couldn't escape anymore and held my hand.

'Go to sleep, George.'

I shook my head heavily. 'Dream?'

'Yes?'

'It's unfair.'

'What is unfair, Georgie?'

'I didn't want her to touch me.'

'I know you didn't.'

'But she still touched me. She did everything to me that I didn't want her to. I'm so sad everyday and I think about suicide the whole day.'

'George-.'

'I think it's better if I die. I have wished for that for five years now. I think, Dream, I think that it would be better. I'm so traumatised, I can only think about suicide and self harm. I hate myself a lot, Dream. It has always been my fault, I didn't fight back enough and I could have. I just let it happen. I think I hate myself more than I hate Zoey, I actually know for sure. Dream, maybe it's just better for me to kill myself as soon as possible.'

Dream turned completely quiet and he ran his hand through my hair, knowing I was really confused.

'I'm not going to use you when you're this confused. I'm not going to use you to get information out of you at this point. You're really tired, Georgie. Close your eyes and I will rub through your hair as long as you need to fall asleep.'

I nodded slowly and I closed my eyes, having Dream rub through my hair.

'Don't talk anymore. You're going to say things you will regret and I don't want that. I love you a lot, George. Shall I tell you what I like about you?'

I nodded and curled myself up.

'I really love your eyes, I love the beautiful brown colour of eyes, your eyes are honestly gorgeous, I literally can just get lost in them and stare in them for hours. I also really love you hair in any way, it's a beautiful colour and it's always a bit soft and fluffy. I really love it a lot.'

I smiled shyly as I started falling asleep slowly.

'I also love the way you smile, you're smile is so extremely cute and beautiful. Even though you might not have smiled genuine, you're still so beautiful and handsome. I love seeing you smile, as soon as you smile, I start smiling too. It makes me so happy to see you smiling that cutely.'

I now smiled and he saw. 'You're beautiful. I also love the way your cheeks get a little redder when you're flustered, it's so cute to see. I also like your personality so much. I love your jokes, the way you giggle, the way you acted in my videos and off camera. How you are one of the only persons to accept my ADHD. I know I stutter a lot and I talk really fast, but you always understand me anyway.'

I got extremely tired in his arms and I had never been this relaxed in five years time.

'I have always imagined how it would be to hold your hand, I have even imagined hugging you a few times before we met up, and you know. I can tell you that now I hugged you, it was probably one of the most amazing things I have ever experienced.'

I giggled really softly now and blushed.

'I really love you so much, sometimes it hurts. I wish you to be happy and I always think of how kind you are when I look at you. I feel so incredibly happy when we are close, because I love you. You're my best friend and I knew that the first second we met.'

And after that I fell back into a deep and calm sleep.

1056 words