Alone Without You

6

TW's:
-Panic attack/self hate+disgust
-Mentions self harm (wounds)
-Suicidal thoughts
-Mentions rape

Hours later I was able to go home again. I still didn't talk at all and my dad also came home from work now. Everyone tried making me talk, but I didn't want to, I was too shocked and too traumatised. I just got raped again and the realisation started getting more and more real.

I couldn't cry about it even though I wanted to, I also couldn't scream about it. I couldn't do anything other than think about what happened over and over again. The pain got more intense every second and I just wanted to die.

When I got home I immediately went upstairs. My parents wanted me to keep the door open and I could hear them speaking with each other downstairs.

'Do you think he randomly invites girls over to have sex with them?' I heard my dad ask, he sounded mad.

'I don't know, I came in here and he was laying on the couch with only boxers and the door wasn't locked anymore, so someone did come in.'

Something in me wanted to scream at them, wanted to hit them and scream how I got raped and that they have to believe me, but I didn't do anything. I laid still in my bed, turning my phone around in my hand. I suddenly heard it buzz multiple times and I grabbed it, looking at who was calling me. It was Dream again. I accepted the call and stared at my ceiling.

'Hi, George. How are you?'

I didn't reply and I started tapping my leg to calm myself down.

'I guess you're not too well after you got hospitalised, I'm sorry for asking. Did your mother tell you I bought a ticket to England? I managed to find a really quick flight and I'm coming in five days, are you also excited that we finally get to to meet each other?'

I stayed quiet and I could hear Dream's mood going down a little, his voice got less excited than before and he took a deep breath.

'I bet you are, I remember how much you wished to meet up, it's finally happening!'

I hummed really quietly and started humming a song softly. Dream seemed to recognise the song. 'I like that song! Do you want me to play it? I can sing it for you if you want.'

I hummed again and I heard Dream tapping some things on his PC. 'Let me look up the song so I can sing with it.'

He looked up the song I liked. He started singing the first verse softly and when the chorus started, I felt myself calming down a little.

The lyrics fitted so well with my situation and I felt a small spark of hope as Dream kept singing the song to me.

A sentence was stuck in my head. No one believed me, but I was still fighting. It gave me hope, it made me feel like I was still a little strong, like I still had something to fight for.

Dream finished the song and stayed quiet for a little. 'I'm sorry for my voice cracking,' Dream giggled. 'It was pretty high. I hope you liked it.'

I hummed quietly.

'Would you like to play Minecraft? We could play the challenge you wanted to do for your stream, but just together. Look how far we can come.'

I hummed again as my response and I stood up, turning on my PC. We both logged in to our private server and Dream started the mod. We started playing and Dream was talking to me and softly humming songs again.

As a silence took over the call, I started humming the song again. Dream was just listening to my quiet humming and we kept playing Minecraft.

We beat the challenge one and a half hours later and Dream was constantly talking to me, making me a little happier. Or at least happier, I was just distracted from the reality for a little. It was still crushing me completely, it was my fault.

The disgust and the self hate I was feeling at this moment was not even to be explained. I was disgusted about myself, I was so ashamed and disappointed. How was I this dumb to let her do it again? It was my fault, even if I would go to the police, I would never be believed. They would laugh at me, because boys don't get raped. That's what everyone thought.

The self hate kept growing and it was literally eating me on the inside. I felt myself slowly crushing even more and I never felt more disgusted about myself than I was feeling now.

I messaged Dream in the game chat.

Shower

'Okay, Gogy. Just call me when you need me.'

I hummed and ended the call, standing up to walk to the shower. I didn't even care about the fact I had stitches and bandages, I couldn't care less about doing any harm to myself. I pulled off my clothes but kept my boxers and my shirt on. I didn't want to see my body anymore, I was disgusted by it.

I turned the shower on and stepped in to wash away the disgust I was feeling. Within seconds I broke down in tears and I turned the shower off again, sitting on the bathroom floor in a corner.

I hear footsteps coming up the stairs and my mum knocked on the door.

'Can I come in, sweetie?'

I hummed quietly and the door opened. My mum sat down next to me and wanted to hold me, but I pushed away.

'George, let me give you a hug, sweetie. You need it now.'

She slowly wrapped her arm around me really carefully and held me tight to her body. 'I love you, sweetie. No matter what, okay? Do you want to tell me what's wrong?'

I shook my head and gave in to my mum's touch, resting my head on her shoulder.

My life had literally never been darker.

1082 words