I Need You Like A Heartbeat

Chapter twenty one

-Harry-

It's been a few days since Louis has passed. Memories are still so clear, I can still feel him in my arms. His chest, rising, falling, and then never rising again. His eyes never opening again. His last "I love you." The way his grip on my fingers loosened. It all repeats in my mind like a bad dream.

I haven't left the flat since. The funeral is tomorrow. The hardest part is knowing that I will never get to see him again, or to feel him touch. That last touch of life was like sand slipping through my fingers. I miss him, I miss him so fucking much. I just want one more kiss, one more hug, one more conversation, but it can't happen. Every night I lay on his side of the bed, taking in his scent, and every night, I am reminded that I have no one to kiss goodnight.

I stood up from the bed, exhausted. Grief was hard, the first stage is denial, which I didn't get to experience like a normal person. I watched it happen, I let him go. I told him that it was okay to let go. From there, he was gone, and still in my arms.

The boys have spent a lot of time here, bonding and becoming closer than ever before. Other than that, the times that I am alone, I find myself having breakdowns. When I see his shirt, his toothbrush, coffee mug, or even his phone, it just makes me realize that, woah, this is fucking real.

I stood up from our bed, finally deciding to move. A white piece of paper stuck between his lamp and the nightstand. I grabbed it, curious as to what it was.

Haz, hopefully you found this, check my phone please. Love you baby.

I tucked the note inside of my hoodie pocket, fighting back tears because I don't know what I would going to find. His phone lay untouched in the drawer of the nightstand. I pulled it out and opened it up. A little reminder popped up from the Lock Screen.

Harry, if it's you, go to my notes, click the one that says your name (obviously) and then watch the video that is linked. Lots of love, Lou.

I opened the notes and found the one that says, Hazza. My hands trembled, I was so nervous, I don't know why.

I clicked the video. Oh my god.

"Hi Harry. Oh how I will miss your sparkling green eyes. I'm so sorry love. I'm so fucking sorry for having to leave you so soon. I'm sorry that you have to watch this, well, you don't have to but, I kinda spent time making it so you should. Let's start with what I've been wanting to tell you for a long time, I HATED your salads and you know what Haz, you can't be mad at me for saying that now. You little shit. You fucking little shit, still made me eat healthy while I was dying," he laughed, "it's fine though. I'm over it. Now Harry, you can skip this next little part because it might not be something you want to hear if it just happened," he took in a deep breath,"I don't want it to be too much, but at some point I want you to Listen. Well, if you're still listening, here we go. Harry, I don't know how I went, how it happened, but I do know that it was for the best baby. My pain was so bad, what overtook the pain at times was the pain of knowing that I was leaving you. It hurts me so much that we can't have a picket fence future with a bunch of kids running around the house as we tried catching them to go to school. The fact that I can't sleep next to you until we grow old, hurts me. Im sorry. I'm so damn sorry that this world is unfair. I love you so much, so much. I need you to send my videos from this phone to everyone, they are all labeled. Everyone had a video, but you came here from a note didn't ya?" My hands trembled as I held his note up to my face, "dear Harry, my phone love. Check my phone. Right? That's what it reads? Probably, I'm not sure though, haven't written it yet, but I'm sure it's something like that. I have a few things that I want you to do for my funeral. Bury me in one of your shirts, please, bury me with our cheap ass matching rings that we bought a few months ago. Sing. Sing at my funeral. Your voice is the last thing that I will hear, and I want it to be the last thing that is at my funeral. Also," he laughed, "Harry, please don't sit around on you're ass all day. I mean I don't want you to forget about me, you're boyfriend," husband, "I want you to do something, chase your dreams. Never let anyone stop you. Please, for me. I going to talk a little more, because I need," he choked on his words, trying to keep a steady tone, but he couldn't, he burst into sobs.