May we meet again (Clexa)

Chapter 30

“We have all the time in the world. Don’t worry about anything. I’m here.” Lexa said as she flashed Clarke a smiled while resting on the passenger seat.

Clarke's eyes darted around in panic, she knew where they were, the beginning of the end, "Something bad is about to happen, something horrible." Her eyes filled with teafs as she her foot pressed on the breaks but the car was not slowing down, she was back there again, the day Lexa dies, "Lexa?"

"“Hey, don’t cry. It’ll be fine.” Lexa reassured, but Clarke kept shaking her head, her knuckles white from clutching on the steering wheel.

"I'm so sorry." Her voice shook as she uttered those last words before the bell of the car went off.

Clarke jumped up from her bed, dripping in sweat and looked around rapidly, her heart beat fast and her hands were shaking.

She reached for her phone from under the pillow and dialed Lexa's number. She knew it was late, but she needed to hear her voice, she needed to know that it was all a dream because on some days she couldn't believe it that lexa was indeed alive and well.

"Clarke?" Lexa asked, "Is everything okay?"

Clarke nodded as her heart slowed down from hearing Lexa's angelic voice, it sounded so sleepy a small smile tugged on her lips. She realized Lexa couldn't see her, and croaked out a quick response,"Yeah, everything is fine."

"Clarke it's 3 in the morning what's wrong?" Lexa was not at all convinced by the answer Clarke had just given her. Her voice sounded more awake now and worry dripped in her words.

"You keep dying, in my dreams. No matter how hard I try you die." Clarke admitted quietly, followed by a low chuckle. "And I know you're alive but sometimes... sometimes I feel like I'm dreaming and you're still dead and I get this- this terrible feeling in my gut and--"

"I'm alive Clarke," Lexa cut her off, "and I'll be here the next time you wake up, and I'll tell you again. I'll keep telling you. I won’t let you fall, I'll stay alive."

"That's easy to say, but you died before, you were gone just like that and the world fell out of orbit and I am scared every day you are not next to me, i'm scared with every breath I take, I don't want to lose you."

"I won't leave Clarke, I promise and I'm sorry for all of it, I know it's not much but I'm really sorry."

"It's okay, I just think maybe I expected everything to go back to normal super fast," She admits to Lexa but mostly to herself. "I still have issues to work out and my mind is a mess mostly." She lets out a sigh, the next words out of her mouth weren't going to be easy to say, she didn't even how to utter them but she knew needed to say them.

"I need time Lex, I need time to figure myself out and what I'm going to do with the kids and work and getting back to normal life, I need a plan and right now with you in the picture everything seems normal but it isn't, I have to figure that out."

Both Lexa and Clarke remained silent after that, Clarke waiting for Lexa to say something and Lexa waiting for Clarke to tell her it's a joke, because finally she felt happy, with Clarke and now she was breaking off what they were trying to rebuild. She was taking away the little chance they had of being together, of being a couple and falling in love more than before.

"I know it's not fair to ask but please wait for me, I need time but please wait for me, if you can." Lexa breathed out, pressing the phone closer to her ear as her eyes swam in unshed tears, she didn't want this separation, but how could she deny Clarke this, after all she had taken from her how could she begin to utter the word No.

"It's okay Clarke, I'll be waiting." Lexa sniffled and moved the phone away from her face as her her head shock side to side, with tears clouding her vision, "Uh... sleep well. Clar-" Before she could even finish the sentence she had dropped the phone and buried her head on the pillow, letting out a blood curling scream.

Clarke on the other side laid on her bed, staring at the ceiling. Questioning herself if this decision, this choice was the best one to make.

--

Clarke woke up that day with no real idea of how her day was going to be like, with no clear idea of what she was going to do, but the one thing that kept coming to her was to set up an appointment with a psychologist, Niylah had told her she needed a new psychologist but she didn't want that, she didn't want to have to start her story all over again, she wanted someone who knew her and her story.

She picked up her phone and dialed Niylah's number, "Niylah, Hi. It's me Clarke." She said as soon as the call connected.

"Hello, Clarke. How are you?" Niylah asked, curious as to why Clarke had called after a while of silence.

"I'm good, look I know you said you can't be my psychologist but-"

"I still can't Clarke, we have too much history." Niylah jumped in, trying to extinguish any hope Clarke had of them working together again.

"I know that but I was hoping for a cup of coffee, I need to talk and you're the only person I know who listens without judgment. I'll pay for the coffee." Clarke said that last part loud so Niylah could at least consider her request.

"I guess I can't say no to free coffee, but I'm only available around 3 today if that's cool?"

"It's perfect, Text me with a time and place and I'll be there."

"That's settled then, now I got to go, duty calls."

"And Niylah?" Clarke said.

"Yeah? "

"Thank you," She said because she knew this can't be easy for Niylah, not after what they started, not after Clarke directly pursuing her and dropping her last minute for Lexa.

"You're welcome Clarke, now i really have to go, talk later."

Clarke dropped the phone and grabbed her car keys, headed to pick up the kids and get them to school, weekend was over and time for heing a mom was back again, and now she wanted the kids to have her full attention, she wanted to give them the life she promised when she took them in, she wanted to be a mother.

Today would be good, she was going to call Lexa later to talk more about last night, to make sure Lexa understood that in no way was she breaking them up, just giving herself time  to figure out the next step of her life.

She parked the car in front of her childhood home. Getting out the car she walked to the door, before she could even open the door, she could hear loud laughter and raised voices, she smiled. Remembering how it used to be when it was just the four of them, Both her parents and Raven in the same house, it felt like a life time ago now.

She pushed open the door, everyone to busy to notice her walking in. She stood there for a second. Madi was chatting away like always to Abby and Aden was busy in a rap battle with the man her mother was currently seeing.

Aden was the first one to spot her,  "Hey Clarke please tell Uncle Mac I'm way better at rapping than him!" Both turned to look at her waiting for a response.

"Now how can I say you're the best without witnessing it for myself." Clarke smirked moving closer to everyone.

"Oh It's on, get ready Uncle Mac cause I'm about to crush you!" Aden brushed his hair back and started off his rap battle.

"Morning," She mouthed to her mother, who came around and gave Clarke a quick kiss on the forehead, Madi already on top of Clarke's lap while they watched Aden make it known that he definitely was the king of rap.