May we meet again (Clexa)

Chapter 17

Clarke stood outside the brown door, contemplating whether or not to knock or just walk away, it had been two weeks now and Niylah hadn't said a word to her.

She lifted up her hand, balled it into a tight fist and knocked, she took in a calming breath as she waited for Niylah to open up.

The door flew open and there she stood, the woman who had made Clarke feel like she mattered, but had somehow in a short span of two weeks made her feel worthless.

"You busy?"
She asked.

Niylah's response was opening the door. Clarke closed the door behind her and just stood there, facing it for a hot minute.

"What can I help you with?" Niylah asked, her voice formal. Clarke's heart sank as she clearly looked at the woman, she looked nothing like the Niylah she knew, she looked broken. Something had happened, something bad.

Her eyes drifted towards the coffe table and there lay, "Through her eyes," A bookmark in the middle,

"What's wrong?" Clarke asked.

"If you're not here to talk about yourself then I suggest you leave." Niylah said, coldly, wrapping her cardigan tighter around her frail body.

Clarke was about to turn back and leave, but then she stood her ground, yes something had happened with Niylah, but it didn't give her the right to treat her like she was thrash.

"I'm awesome!" Clarke said, her voice raised as she took a step forward. Pressing her pointer finger at her chest she repeated, "I am awesome."

"I'm freaking awesome and I can see that something is wrong, but that gives you no right to treat me like I'm some thrash, we got close and then closer and you just disappeared after and I'm going to tell you that I'm awesome, and smart and brave and so damn okay with you not liking me back or whatever, but it'd be polite to tell it to my face. "

She took another step closer, "You'd be lucky to have me, and if you don't want me I'm good with that, because I want me and that's enough, it's enough Niylah."

"I'm sorry." Was all Niylah could manage as tears dripped from her eyes, she lowered her head and tried to hold in a sob but failed as she dropped to the ground, tears rushing down her face, "I tried... It's just..."

Clarke was frozen for a minute but she dropped down to, picked Niylah up and moved to the sofa with her, "It's okay, shh." She pulled her close to her chest and held her there till Niylah fell asleep in her arms.

Clarke played with Niylah's hair, stroking it softly as she tried imaging what had happened, but thought it best to hear it from the horses mouth.

After a while Clarke too fell asleep, but a soft knock woke her up and she looked to Niylah who hadn't moved, she looked so peaceful and Clarke didn't have the heart to wake her.

Clarke slowly lowered Niylah on the sofa and walked to the door, "Hey, Clarke I'm looking for Dr N, we have an appointment." Clarke turned to look back at the woman.

"Uh, she's not taking anyone today, James. But I think you can come tomorrow to reschedule."

"Sure thing." James said, taking off. Clarke was thankful he hadn't asked anymore questions.

She turned to find Niylah now sitting up, her head laying on her knees.

"Thanks for that." She said, getting to her feet and moving behind her desk, she tore a page and scribbed something before putting it on the door, just outside. "Now, no one is gonna knock," She smiled, but Clarke noticed it wasn't her usual smile, it was forced and her eyes looked empty.

"What's wrong?" Clarke asked.

"Nothing." Niylah replied, not sure what to do with herself.

"You're reading my book, and you said you only read it when you're sad, so what's wrong?" Clarke asked once more.

"I've like never... I like you Clarke , it's just I've never-" Niylah looked down to her feet, a sigh leaving her lips as she moved to sit on the sofa, next to Clarke.

"I love pudding," Clarke said, trying to calm Niylah down the best way she knew how, when she first met Lexa, she had moments when she was to afraid to talk, or unsure if she should talk, but Lexa would just say something random which made Clarke relax and speak freely.

Niylah chuckled and smiled, "Trust me, I know you do."

"The point is, you know things like that about me and even the worst and you're still here, I know it's your job but you've done more than that... Point is you're not going to scare me away."

"Remember when I told you about my girlfriend,"

Clarke nodded and waited for Niylah to continue, "I've never been with anyone else after." She said and looked up at the door, unable to look at Clarke.

"Can you look at me?" Clarke said, softly, Niylah turned around and looked at Clarke. "I'm not good at the emotional stuff, that's your territory , but I'm going to try. Do you like me?"

"Yes, but the idea of being with you terrifies me."

"I'm not going to die Niylah, I mean yeah I am, but not anytime soon and I want you, I want you and if we die tomorrow or next week it'll be okay because I'll have spent even a day being with you."

"What about Lexa?" Niylah asked, "You can't have forgotten about her."

Clarke spent days wrecking her brain about what she'd do with Lexa, but Lexa was not the person she knew or thought she knew, if she really had loved her then why would she make her believe that she was dead, how was she okay with that?

"I still love her, but--"

"All I want is for you to be happy Clarke." Niylah said, "Your feelings for Lexa I'm sure have grown stronger and you shouldn't hold back if you love her, be with her Clarke, love her before you convince me to be with you and break my heart later."

"I don't know what I want." Clarke confessed.

"How about we just play along, until you make up your mind,"

"I don't know how that works," Clarke picked at the skin around her fingertips, she had no idea how it work, but knew that it was a way that ensured both of them had some control of how much heartbreak they'd be exposing themselves too.

"I have no clue either, but maybe we can figure it out together?"

"I'd like that,"

"You do realize that you'll eventually have to meet Mr Clown,"

"I'd love to meet Mr clown." Clarke beamed.

"Okay then," Niylah said, "I'd ask for a kiss, but I'm a mess right now."

Clarke cupped Niylah's cheek. Caressing it softly she leaned in and pressed their lips together, soft and slow, just how they wanted whatever it is that they were doing to be like.

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