For Jin Hyung

29

Soo, I have a lot to say today.

Jin hyung started going to whatever therapist the agency booked for him. I... have to admit that he is a lot moodier after the appointments than I thought he would be. He retreats to his room right after coming back. Jimin is apologetic towards him.

Jungkook and Hoseok are having hour-long dance sessions nearly every day. They asked me to join. I said no.

I'm still working on that song. I'm going to write more about that and how much progress I made on it in a minute. Hold on.

The first thing I want to discuss is: me and Jin hyung. Um. So. I kind of talked to him. The way he distances himself from the rest of us is disheartening. It doesn't feel right, you know? The rest of us are together in the living room, chilling, laughing, doing stupid things (the others, not me) and he is just sitting in his bedroom all alone. I suppose he is watching something. But still. I felt like he thought we were excluding him.

I was excluded a lot when I was in Grade 5. I remember I used to come home and cry. Such a mood I was.

But so... yeah? You get the point. So I stopped him one day while he was making coffee and asked him to just, I don't even know what I said, like hang out with us a bit more. And he was all flustered and weird but I think he agreed.

He's a bit different now. He doesn't make those silly jokes that much anymore. I miss them.

He just sits quietly and listens to the rest of us talk. I mean, don't get me wrong, he was always kind of introverted. It's just now, he doesn't even talk. He doesn't react that mich to things. Jeez. I wished I reached out earlier. There were so many signs...

I have this thing now. I'm usually not big on this with anybody but I try to sit next to Jin now. He seems more comfortable that way. Or maybe I'm just imagining things and don't actually know how to read body language. In that case, I want somebody to slap me on the back and hold up a sign that says, "You tried!" on it. Because that would honestly make me feel a lot better about myself.

But I think he is more chill around me... I want to imagine that he is. He talks to me sometimes. I don't know of he comes knocking on the others' doors in the middle of the night, but he does to me.

I forgot to mention that. I was working on the song a few nights ago. It was like three in the morning. Jin hyung knocked on my door. Then we just talked about things. Like good things. Positivity. Good concepts that are otherwise unattainable in life.

I kinda hope that it's only special treatment for me. I hope he values me. I hope the others do too. I think a lot about the time Hoseok pushed me away when I tried to talk to him after Jin hyung's thing. Hoseok seems okay now. But it still hurt me for whatever reason.

I value them. That's what matters.

So now, Taehyung has started to organize these board game nights.

Good for him. Good for him.

Anyway, Taehyung organizes these board game nights where we play board games and socialize. By socialize, I mean Namjoon talks and we listen. I don't think anybody listens actually, other than me. And whatever you do, do NOT ask questions when he says something. The amount of mansplaining he does is enough to wear out my eardrums.

Moving on. We have to participate in those games. Yesterday, we had to play Clue. I didn't really know how to play. I thought we were supposed to show everybody else our cards and... yeah, yeah I definitely did not win. Hoseok won.

It's bonding time, Jimin claims. You sound like a high school counselor, I claim.

Little frustrating.

I feel like Taehyung's kind of just... forcing us all to do that? Like I don't want to. But he's all like, "Noo, do it. We should be all friendly towards each other. You saw how lonely Jin hyung is... blah blah blah." You can't get sense into his head. Trust me, I have tried.

I really don't think forcing Jin to play Snakes and Ladders is going to do anything. But believe what you want to believe, I guess.

Namjoon and I finished the lyrics. He did most of it. I sat at the side and watched him think. He's good at writing lyrics. Did I say that already?

I want to cry after reading it. I like it a lot.

Jin hyung, please ;-;

I'm almost done making a beat too. The melody is mostly finished. Everything is mostly done. Give me three more days. I'll get Taehyung to sing it. And then, it will be done.

Or should I...?

No. I can't sing.

Well, I can... but not that great. Not good enough for this. I feel like Taehyung's voice will match the vibe nicely.

I'll print out the lyric sheet and glue it in once the song is done.

The last thing I have to mention is that me and Jin did a v-live together. We finished about two hours ago. I talked about tangerines. For some reason, I really like eating them. Jin hyung talked about his workout routine. He doesn't work out that much in reality, he lied to all the fans. It's easy to get away with those kinds of lies when you have a fit body already.

That really doesn't make any sense.

Anyway, as I was saying. I was reading the comments and I was very pleasantly surprised to see very supportive ones. I read a few out for Jin hyung and he got the biggest smile on his face. I'm so glad. I thought there would be hate. There was, but the amount of support and love far outweighted them.

(There were also many thirsty ones, but I didn't read those out loud. They did make me smile though.)

I just need to finish that song. I know it won't magically make him happy and "cured", but hopefully it will cheer him up. Who doesn't like a cheerful Kim Seokjin? Like the real cheerful Kim Seokjin, not the fake one that he does in front of the cameras.

I'm smiling as I'm writing this. I wish Jin could read this but he went to sleep. I hope he's having sweet dreams.

I need to make a to-do list for tomorrow. I usually make it on the notes thing on my laptop so nobody can read it and make fun of me for my weird priorities. Yes. You should do that too. Make sure you put a good password for your laptop as well. Nobody can see anything that way.

It's past 1 right now. I should sleep too.

It's so hard to sleep at times. I have to take pills sometimes. I have too many things going on in my head. When I was in Grade 3, I threw up in class. I keep thinking about that. It was so embarrassing...

Ah well.

Love,

Yoongi

:)

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hope you guys are all doing well! there will be one more chapter and this too is over.

life is passing everybody.

thank you for reading!

1266 words