The Dark and The Light-Billy

After

I sat on some metal steps trying not to think about the person I had killed I bit my lip drawing a little blood and I squeezed my eyes shut, that experience was terrible and that was putting it mildly, I would be scarred for the rest of my life 

I looked at the moon, how had I gotten here just a few weeks ago I was walking around the palace in a dress just reading or drinking tea and now I was killing people, I played with my bracelet a bit it brought me a little comfort, something to take my mind off of what I did 

"Hey kitten," Billy said softly sitting down next to me "how are you feeling" his blue eyes stared at me worriedly 

"I killed someone Billy," I told him my lip trembling "how do you think I feel" I put my head in my hands trying to hide the tears that were forming 

"Yeah that was a stupid question" he sighed "you saved me, I can never repay you for that" when I didn't answer he pulled me into a hug and I started to cry again I had saved one of my friends but that doesn't change the fact that I ended another person's life "I'm so sorry Kitten" Billy whispered "I should have let you come with me to the theater"

"You didn't know what would happen" I cried "it's not your fault" he held me tightly as I let even more sadness out, I hated myself for killing even though I had a justified reason  

Billy rubbed my back a bit, he always acted so toughly but I liked it when he cared for people. I knew I would probably never regret killing someone because I saved my best friend and the boy I liked but I just didn't know how to move on. 

"Let's go inside, yeah?" Billy asked and I nodded, we walked into the place we were living, the group turned to look at me concerned for my well being 

"Hey Hanna," Jess said softly "if you want to wash up there's a bucket down below that you can use" I nodded and went to wash the blood off of me, there was a tiny mirror that I could use I took a cloth wetting it and began to scrub the blood away, I felt dirty and contaminated.

I scrubbed my skin so hard and my skin was turning red, I cried while scrubbing, I didn't care how raw my skin got I just felt dirty I rubbed my arms harshly crying, even more, Leo came rushing down the stairs and to my side 

"Hanna, Hanna stop" he took the cloth from me looking at my arms and neck "Hanna don't cry," he said softly wiping the blood from my face gently 

"I'm a monster Leo" I sobbed staring at the ground 

"No you aren't, you're a good friend," he told me looking me in the eyes 

"I just need to get it off" I cried reaching for the cloth  

"It is off Hanna, if you keep scrubbing you're going to hurt yourself" I let out a shaky breath laying my head against the wall Leo had no idea what to do, I couldn't look at anyone what did they all think of me. Soon he walked back up the stairs taking the cloth with him, I could hear my friends whispering above, and I pushed myself into a corner.

I took my hair out of a braid and poured some water on my hair untangling it with my fingers. I took the jacket off leaving me in the thin dress that B had given me. The longer I sat there the more angry and sad I became. 

I curled into a little ball picking the dirt from under my fingers, I hoped to bathe properly soon. I heard someone coming down the stairs but I didn't know who it was and I didn't bother to look up I just continued to stare at the floor I felt someone place their arm around me, I expected it to be Billy but it was Jess 

"Hi" I sniffed wiping away my tears 

"Don't cry Hanna, you did what you had to do to save our friend, it would have been worse if you hadn't" she told me softly 

"I know, it's just hard," I told her shaking slightly 

"It will be hard for a while but you will be ok," Jess told me "give it time ok?" I nodded "come upstairs, we need to talk" Jess lead me up the stairs and I felt my friends watching me, I felt dangerous and like they didn't want to be my friends anymore. Spike pulled me into a hug 

"Thank you for saving Billy" he whispered and my eyes filled with more tears as I clung to him, soon I pulled away and we all gathered in a circle 

'We need to find the Rip" Jess said referring to the opening between our world and the world of the dead "find it and close it then all this stuff will stop happening and the things I see will disappear, you were right B the Rip takes the darkest most negative side of a person and warps it, it makes a monster out of who you are" 

"Did the man in your dreams have any idea where the Rip might be Jessica?" Leo asked 

"It's here in London," she told us "he's sure of it"

"There was a map of London in 221B" Spike announced "it had all these weird markings on it and it was in this weird room it was like a temple or something" Spike handed B a letter "you want to find the Rip I suggest we start with John Watson" 

"The golden dawn" B said "I have to go" 

"Where it could be dangerous" Billy argued 

"I'll take Hanna with me, if she killed once she can do it again" B blurted out and I glared at her 

"What did you just say?" I whispered the flame that was in my eyes when I got mad was probably making an appearance 

"I-I just meant" B stuttered and I scoffed 

"You think just because I killed someone that it'll be easy to do now, that I won't feel any guilt it was terrible B, you have no idea what it's like taking a person's life" I raised my voice "I'm not going with you and don't for one second think that killing a person is fucking easy" I stormed down the stairs, I had an ache in my chest that hurt and I began to sob into my pillow, I can't believe she had just said that to me.