SUBSTITUTE with BENEFITS

8: Fade Away

I've been waiting here for you

Waiting for a sign from you

I feel very cold

That I can't smile no more

I hate Sunday's. Specially ang Sunday na ganito. Malungkot. Isama pa ang tugtog ni daddy na kasing tanda niya at sobrang napakalakas. It's been two weeks since we make it official as SUBSTITUTE WITH BENEFITS.

Akala ko magbabago ang lahat like we will hang out more kind or more gimmiks and more fun. But I just exaggerated everything. My expectation is far from what is happening. Every morning excited akong pumasok sa school hoping na hihintayin niya ako sa gate. But wala akong Blue na nakita. Pag pasok ko sa room andun siya nakikipag landian. Gusto ko siyang sapakin pero I hold myself from being violent person.

Ano ba kami? Diba substitute lang siya? At friends with benefits lang meron kami?

Kahit gusto kung umiyak sa sakit at selos ay pinilit kong maging cool na parang wala lang. "Lungkot mo atah." Ani ni Liam ang sumunod sa akin. He look exactly like dad. Matured din siya mag isip.

Maybe he could help me.

"It'abou--"

"Kung problemang puso 'yan forget it. Meron din ako."

Na freeze ako sa eri. Ano pa bang sasabihin ko. "Alright. I gotta go."

Umalis ako ng bahay at nag lakad-lakad ako sa park. Naka upo ako sa swing habang tinitingnan ang number ni Blue. Nangangati ang kamay ko to dial his number pero ayoko. Kaya naiyak nalang ako.

Bakit ganito ang sakit Blue? Buti pa si Red atleast di niya ako pinaasa. Pero ikaw... you let me believe na may tayo kahit sex lang pero wala.

Gabi na nang maisipan kung bumalik ng bahay. Napansin ni daddy ang lungkot ko pero hindi siya nag salita. I guess alam niya. He's too observant. Matalino eh.

***

"Can I talk to you, son?"

"Yeah, dad."

"I wanna know what the score is between you and Kim. You see, she is a nice girl. But don't you think... she deserved to be loved?"

"I do love her dad."

Nagulat si dad. "Ok. And?"

"She is still not over Red."

"Ohh.."

"And since I can't control my feelings, I beg her to use me as his substitute."

"Blue, that's wrong!"

"I know, dad. But just a little attention and affection from her, I am happy."

"But that will hurt you too."

"It does. But I have no choice. I love Kim."

"Listen, son, you think being friends with benefits is A-OK, but it's more complicated than you thought. You think you can easily ask her out without trouble, or you are not pressured to buy her a gift or date her, yet when you need to hook up, she is there. Don't you get it? Your fooling yourself. You try to deny it but your hurting yourself more than you think because she thinks about Red in fact ikaw ang kasama niya at ikaw ang nagpa pangiti sa kanya."