I Think It's ONE Direction

Chapter 13

I put This Is Gospel by Panic! At the Disco because first of all, Panic! At the Disco is awesome, and secondly I think the line, "if you love me let me go" describes this chapter pretty well.

For dinner we have homemade pizza and breadsticks. It's actually really good!

When the meal is over, Niall and I try to help clean up, but my "family" waves us away since it's my last night. We go up to my bedroom and sit on the bed.

For a couple minutes, we just sit. Then, Niall breaks the silence.

"I'm gonna miss you," I look over at him and my heart swells. I've never felt this way about someone before, and it makes me want to throw up when I think about leaving him.

"I'm gonna miss you too," I say. I look away because I feel tears welling up in my eyes.

"Hey," Niall says. He gently takes my chin in his hand and turns my head so I'm facing him.

"Niall, I think we should-" my voice catches and I take a couple deep breaths.

"I think we should break up, if we were even dating, I don't know what we were but we shouldn't be tied to each other or whatever," I can't hold back my tears anymore and a couple spill onto my face. Niall is silent.

I look over at him and his face masks my feelings. He snaps out of it and stands up.

"But, Nora-"

"Niall, this is the only option. I'm going back to New York and you're gonna be in Ireland, and the UK and- everywhere else. We're never gonna see each other anyways, and there are plenty of other girls out there who you could date if you wanted to. I mean, how many marriage proposals have you had in the last couple years?" I don't trust my voice to keep working so I stop talking.

"But Nora, I don't want any other girls, I want you!" I feel like I'm dying.

"Niall, be reasonable." He kneels in front of me. He has a very fierce expression on his face and he takes my face in his hands.

"Nora, none of that matters. This is what matters," and he kisses me. I thought our other kisses were passionate, but this one tops them all. He puts all of his feelings for me in it, his joy when he's with me, his fear of losing me, and above all, his need for me.

I am so lost in the kiss, that I don't hear my "parents" come in, and then leave. When we pull away, I realize that I'm trying to break up with him, not make my feelings for him stronger. He looks at me with so much hope, that it breaks my heart just to take that away.

"Niall, that doesn't matter. We still have to-"

"That's the only thing that does matter! Nora, I love you!" Every protest I was about to say evaporates. He continues,

"I love your smile, and your laugh, and how you always avoid stepping on cracks in the sidewalk. When you touch me, my skin tingles. When you kiss me, I want to stop everything going on in my life and just stay with you." I gasp.

"Niall-"

"Nora, please, please don't do this. Please, I am begging you." I stand up and walk away. He's like a whirlpool, if I get to close I could get sucked in.

"What do you expect me to do? I have to go home to New York, finish up school, take care of my mom! I can't go to your shows and you can't quit One Direction and be with me! We both have obligations and you have a gazillion fans who spend their time writing fan fictions and daydreaming about the day when they finally meet you and put a personality to the face they stare at for hours on end! And everyone grows out of their first love anyways, you'll forget about me and I'll forget about you and well both move on!" He latches on to the least important part of my speech, walks over to me, and takes my hands in his. In a barely audible whisper he says,

"So you admit it? You love me too?" I realize that I did indeed say that in my rant and stand speechless before answering.

"It doesn't matter! Niall, can you hear what I'm saying? We can't BE together!"

"It matters to me," I throw my hands up in frustration.

"Niall, I'm only going to say it one more- what are you doing?" He puts on his coat.

"I'm leaving. That's what you want me to do, right?" The world seems to be spinning faster than it normally does, and I feel like I'm going to throw up.

In my head I know he has to go, that it would never work. But my heart wants him to give us a way that we can be together. My brain and my heart have a silent battle and my brain wins, my heart is battered and bruised and broken, but somehow, I am still alive.

"Y- yeah. Go," he turns around. His face has no expression.

"Goodbye, Nora." I love how my name sounds when he says it, but I hate it when he says it in the same sentence as goodbye.

"Goodbye, Niall." He walks out of the room and I stay standing. When I hear his car drive away I collapse onto my bed.

My body shakes as I sob into my pillow. I had never really understood the word heartbreak, but it literally felt like my heart was broken.

It gets hard for me to breath and I curl myself into a ball. I don't sleep that night. The next morning I get up and say a heartfelt thanks to my "parents" and a goodbye.

Before I leave, my "mom" pulls me back.

"Honey, I know it's none of my business, but in my experience, if you love someone, you go after them." I thought about what she said and realized that she was right. I loved Niall, and I was willing to to do whatever it took to make it work.

After saying goodbye to them, I saw that I still had an hour until I had to be at the airport. If I hurried, I could make it.

I drove up to his parents house where he was staying. When I got there, I began to regret my decision. Niall was surrounded by girls asking for pictures and autographs.

I realized that I was right, this is Niall's life. This is how it would always be and I couldn't be selfish and try to take him away from it.

Just as I began driving away, I heard someone call my name.

"Nora!" I didn't need to look back to know that it was Niall. I continued driving, tears streaming down my face.

I meet my class in the airport and we get on a plane and go. The plane ride doesn't feel long, the entire time I think about Niall.

Grace is waiting at my house with my mom for me when I get home and I plaster a smile on my face. I am happy to see her, but I still can't stop thinking about Niall.

She notices something is wrong, but waits until we're alone to ask me about it. We both sit on my bed.

"Hey, are you okay?" I nod, but then start sobbing.

"No, I'm not," in between sobs I tell her about Niall. I fall asleep on Grace's lap.

Sometime in the evening she moves my head onto a pillow and leaves. I sleep in until 3:00 pm the next morning.

In the middle of eating my late breakfast I realize that I need to get myself together and do exactly what I told Niall we both had to do, move on.

My heart almost broke even more when I thought that, but I knew that that was the only way I would end my trip to miserableville. After I ate, I went to my room and slept for the rest of the day.