at long last, peace

four

The first two weeks did not really go smoothly—but I knew I had to face my decision of choosing my degree program anyway. I am already in College, and sooner or later alam ko namang mahihirapan ako.

First two weeks pa lang, in all honesty, ando'n na 'yung pakiramdam na na-to-torment na rin ako? I mean, it wasn't that tormenting, but I wasn't smart smart, too. I do get high scores in our quizzes, but it was scaring me already. College is the real arena. I can't always keep getting my hopes up high. Besides, even if I'm aiming for Laude now, sobrang far-fetched pa rin... freshman pa lang ako, ang dami ko pang kailangang lagpasan.

I took a deep breathe in habang nakatitig lang sa kisame. Katatapos ko lang mag-review for our anatomy quiz. Sobrang shit ng oras ko para mag-review since alas tres nang umaga hanggang alas-cuatro, pero ewan ko ba... kahit inaantok ako pag ganitong oras, gumagana naman 'yung utak ko kahit pa paano. Kasama na rin siguro 'yung random overthink at disbelief sa sarili ko. Iinuman ko na lang siguro ng kape 'to mamaya, may vending machine naman sa floor ng room namin.

Tinulog ko na lang 'yung dalawang oras na natitira bago bumangon at nag-ayos since 7:00 ang start. May klase pa kami sa chem lab before anaphy kaya medyo hectic 'yung sched namin every Tuesday. Hindi naman sa nakakapagod, medyo hassle lang kapag may quiz kami sa anaphy tapos may lab work sa chem. Buti na lang pre-laboratory lang kami ngayon kaya medyo safe.

For the past few days, I have always been keeping myself in check. I'd admit there were days when I wasn't okay... I was getting homesick, at minsan habang nagre-review naiiyak na lang ako out of nowhere. I mean it's normal naman to get sad, my mom said so, too. I've been in Pangasinan my whole life, and studying in QC was really a big leap for me.

I was happy with my decision, of course... I am happy. But sometimes the feeling of being overwhelmed is just too much. Lagi rin namang nagre-reach out si mama every time to check on me. The least thing that we wouldn't want to happen right now is for my brain to act up on me.

I mean it does... I have been living with it for a couple of years now. I was diagnosed because of family history—my mom said so, even my doctor. But sometimes, I also want to ask them about things from my past that feel... empty.

I feel like I'm missing something.

But I just hated it when people depict depression as being too sad every day. We're humans, too, and not because I was clinically diagnosed does not mean I'm incapable of things that I want to do. What makes it worst is that... when people see you happy, going around and laughing or cracking jokes, or just excelling at your job? They think you're lying about your condition.

Happy does not mean you're depressed. And being depressed does not mean you can be happy—that's how society paints this condition until now.

And that's what stigmatizes depression more.

Shouldn't people stop judging someone's emotional state just because of what they are seeing?

They'll never know of those days when I joined an impromptu speech competition and how my fingers were jittering as I recite in front of a panel, but still being able to win that first place... but after I got home? I was crying... I was crying not because I was happy, but because I was too anxious even though it has always been a part of my passions.

They'll never know of those days when I know I'm genuinely happy, but every time I'm alone? It feels like monsters inside my head are capable of diffusing my switch... and all of a sudden, the episodes are coming.

I hate that depression is an asshole already... and yet society wants to take its place.

It's what makes you hate the world most of the time.