at long last, peace

Epilogue 1

Oliver Dominique Pidlaoan

"Oliver." I turned around at tumingin kay papa—it was my first day in college at hanggang ngayon hindi ko pa rin alam kung bakit ako nag-Medtech. Narinig ko lang naman na maganda kaya 'yun na lang kinuha ko, tapos si Isaac sumunod na rin sa'kin kasi undecided din siya sa kukunin niyang pre-med. Growing up, I've always wanted to follow my dad's footsteps, yet the more I grew up, the more I realized I wanted to step outside of his shadows—in another field of medicine, kasi kahit ano'ng gawin ko lagi't laging sa medicine napapadpad 'yung field of interest ko. Pakiramdam ko sobrang laki na kasi ng expectations sa'kin dahil sobrang kilala si papa sa field ng psychology at medicine... nakakatakot minsan.

And then there are my grandparents na may hospital... dagdag pressure kasi alam naman ng karamihan sa school na apo nila ako dahil lagi ring nasa news. Dad should have been the Chairman, but he turned it down and my grandparents were fine with it anyway after mom passed and was buried in their hometown in Pampanga because my mom's dying wish was to let my Dad be free from doing what he wants. Although they never forced me to take part, I've always felt immense pressure because it felt like people never stopped watching me.

I never wanted the spotlight but I can never control it with the life I have.

Papa stood up and smiled at tinapik ang balikat ko, "Never mind the pressure, son. Don't listen to them. Kung ano mang gusto mong gawin sa buhay, sundin mo. That's your life to decide and I don't want to control that... I gave you a life not for me to manifest the things I never achieved, but for you to find your own path." Humigpit nang kaunti ang pagkakahawak niya sa balikat ko bago inayos ang kuwelyo ng uniporme ko. "I'm proud of you, son. And I know your mom, if she's here, she'll be proud of what you've become."

Napangiti ako, pero at the same time nalungkot. Ilang taon na ring wala si mama pero na-mi-miss ko pa rin siya. It's really different when you lose someone close to you. Every day feels a little bit empty and lonely.

I wonder what life could've been if mom was still alive.

"Pa naman, kala mo naman medicine na."

Natawa naman ito at napailing sa sinabi ko, "Undergraduate man o medicine proper, parehong mahirap 'yan, kaya 'wag mong isipin na wala lang kapag undergrad. Buhay pa rin ang nakataya sa inyo, lalo ka na, nag-medtech ka. Sa analysis niyo ibabase 'yung magiging diagnosis."

Tumango ako at ngumiti, "Kala ko mag-iiyakan na tayo."

"Ikaw talaga," natatawang sambit ni papa. "Kung sabay kayo ni Aliyah mamaya, dito na kayo kumain."

Natawa ako, "Dad, hindi na nga kami," sambit ko. Si papa lang ang nakakaalam na hindi na talaga kami ni Aliyah dahil mas close pa ata sila ni Aliyah kaysa sa'kin. Ang weird siguro ng set up naming dalawa, pero naiinis kasi siya kapag may gustong manligaw daw sa kaniya kaya mas gusto na lang niyang magpanggap na kami pa rin para lang may maidahilan siya sa mga nagcha-chat sa kaniya.

Ewan ko ba do'n.

Napatingin naman siya sa labas ng clinic nang may kumatok.

"Ingat ka papasok."

Tumango ako at nagpaalam na. Papalabas pa lang sana ako ng clinic pero bigla akong tinawag ulit ni papa.

"Hindi ko alam kung kaklase mo siya, pero..." Nakatingin lang ako sa kaniya habang hinihintay 'yung sasabihin niya pero umiling ito. "Nevermind, nevermind. Pasok ka na."

Natawa ako.

"You're suddenly keeping secrets?"

Dad laughed pero hindi niya pa rin ako sinagot kaya lumabas na'ko ng clinic. Hindi ako mahilig kumain ng breakfast pero hindi gusto ni dad 'yung idea kaya dumadaan ako sa UPTC para bumili ng bread para kahit pa paano may laman 'yung tiyan ko. Hindi naman ako pala-diet kasi buong buhay ko ang payat-payat ko naman.