at long last, peace

twenty five

Tahimik lang si Olly habang nag-da-drive. He probably wants to talk knowing how he'd look at me from time to time, pero in the end, he'd choose to stay silent. Hindi ko tuloy alam kung matatawa ako o kung ano, pero tahimik lang din ako.

I just want to clear and free my mind from these things that bother me.

I'm just 18. I have dreams. I want to achieve things on my own without worrying about my condition. 

I'm just 18.

I don't want everything to end there.

I didn't want to check my phone kaya pinanood ko na lang 'yung paglagpas namin sa mga nadadaanan namin. Na-miss ko bigla sa Alaminos. Hindi kalayuan 'yung mga pinupuntahan namin do'n kaya madalas naglalakad na lang din kami. Dito kasi sa QC, ang lalayo ng mga lugar. Tapos kung ayaw mong mag-jeep papunta sa kabila, kailangan mong tumawid ng overpass. Nakakalula 'yung taas kaya minsan ayaw kong dumadaan do'n. 

Ilang minuto pa ay nakarating na rin kami sa bahay nila Olly. Sakto naman daw na walang duty 'yung daddy niya sa hospital at kaya niyang mag-cater ng patients sa bahay nila. Siguro kung magiging doctor ako, gano'n din ang gagawin ko... 'yung tipong on-call lang ako sa hospital, tapos may sariling clinic din ako para kahit pa paano, medyo flexible 'yung working hours ko.

'Yun ay kung kaya ko pang igapang 'to sa medical school.

First year pa nga lang ng medtech parang gusto ko na lang tumigil all of a sudden, kaso ayaw ko namang ma-disappoint sila mama... higit sa lahat, ayaw kong i-disappoint 'yung sarili ko.

"Dad's already inside, do you want anything to drink?"

Umiling ako at ngumiti, "Thank you, Olly."

I took a deep breath in and tightened my grip on my skirt before pushing the glass door and walking inside the clinic. I was surprised Dr. Pidlaoan was playing some piano music which eventually calmed my nerves as I walk towards him. 

He smiled, "Hi, Telly," he says, putting down the book he was holding. "Have you read this one? Olly recommended it so I've been reading it," he added as he shows me his copy of The Ballad of Songbirds and Snakes.

I chuckled and nodded, "I have one copy back in Alaminos po," I said as I slowly feel my body start to relax. "It was a great read and... Suzanne did a good job in not, you know, glamorizing President Snow as the main character. You'll just learn to love to hate the character he's become."

Dr. Pidlaoan left out a chuckle that echoed throughout the whole room. It was spacious, and there were a lot of books on his bookshelves. I couldn't help but wander my eyes around the place because it was really nice. My eyes were a little fixated on that big book of DSM which I have tried to browse one time on the internet, pero sumakit lang 'yung ulo ko sa sobrang dami ng terms. Do'n ko na-realize na baka hanggang pasyente lang ako at hindi pwede sa'kin ang maging psychologist. 

He nodded and clasped both his hand together and rested them on his table, "This will really sound cliche, but, how are you?"

I pressed my lips together as I try to gather my thoughts, but it felt a little freeing since I wasn't feeling anxious about what I should say.

I just wanted to gather them all today.

"I'm... I think I'm far from feeling better," I say, honestly. "When I was diagnosed with my condition, I... I didn't really know where I got it or how it started, it just felt like it's been there all throughout my childhood."

Dr. Pidlaoan nodded, "Were you taking your medicines as prescribed?"

I nodded, "I was given Escitalopram and I have been taking it since I was diagnosed... it does help me cope when the attacks are getting a little bit overwhelming. But, I haven't been able to sleep well so I was also prescribed melatonin a few months ago. I was... actually getting a little bit okay before I entered school, but ever since things got a little bit rough, the panic attacks became frequent."