at long last, peace

twenty four

TW: Monologue about self-harm

**

Unlike what Olly told me--I could not let myself free to feel the rain and dance along. It's harder than what anyone perceives it to be. Ang hirap magtago, pero mas mahirap maglabas ng sama ng loob kapag wala ka mismong lakas para gawin 'yun. I tried so hard to not let Olly notice how hard I was trying to keep myself together, but when he was finally gone--I cracked.

Ni hindi ko nga alam kung pa'no ko natagalan 'yun. It felt like torture. I don't even want to know kung napansin 'yun ni Olly.

Still, I was grateful enough that he respected the space I was trying to keep in for myself--a space where I could breathe. I don't feel better at all, but that space was probably the only thing that keeps me sane.

When Olly's car was finally out of sight, tears just started to fall from my eyes that I rushed to the nearest comfort room para walang makakita sa'kin na parang tangang umiiyak and ended up throwing up. Ni hindi pa'ko nakakain that it was already hurting my throat because I wasn't throwing up anything yet it kept going, nonetheless, that I was already crying so bad I had to cover my mouth just so no one could hear me outside.

I was just glad there weren't too many people outside to hear how pathetic and pitiful I am right now over a damn exam.

Napaupo ako sa sahig at napasandal sa dingding ng cubicle... sobs were escaping my mouth that I had to cover my mouth so tight. My body was shaking from all the crying that I couldn't even breathe anymore. All the tears have probably escaped my body to the point that I was already crying without the tears... everything was hurting, even my bones are starting to ache, but I couldn't move and speak a word. 

I was just there.

Pitying myself.

I was just so exhausted.

I was still a little nauseous kaya hindi pa'ko makauwi. I ended up roaming hanggang makarating ako sa fifth floor at tumambay na lang sa lounge. Sobrang haggard at groggy ko... understandable naman kasi wala pa'kong tulog na maayos. I didn't want to abuse my sleeping pills, but I'll probabaly take them again this evening. It's not that I didn't like the dorm... I just didn't want to be home and then face my responsibilities again. Nakakapagod.

Ganito pala talaga 'yung pakiramdam na hindi mo maituring na tahanan 'yung inuuwian mo.

Napa-buntonghininga ako habang nakatingin ako sa sapatos ko, "Miss ko na sila mama," bulong ko at napatingala. Hinintay ko na lang mag-alas singko bago ako lumabas ng building at dumiretso muna sa labas ng campus para bumili ng pwedeng makain. I wasn't really in the mood to eat kaya sandwich at Milkis na lang ang binili ko. Pero nagulat ako no'ng may biglang kumuha no'ng Milkis sa kamay ko at pinalitan ng tubig.

"Baka ma-acid ka, carbonated din 'yan." I rubbed my eyes para tignan kung totoo bang si Olly 'yung nasa harapan ko at hindi ako nagkakamali, only for him to laugh at me looking dumb. 

"Akala ko ba umuwi ka na?"

He shrugged and lifted the basket he was holding, "I was buying snacks," he says. 

I frowned, "Can't I have one Milkis lang? Promise 'di na'ko bibili bukas..."

He shook his head at binalik sa fridge 'yung can, "Uminom ka kanina ng Royal. Mag-tubig ka na," sambit niya at ngumiti. Napa-buntonghininga na lang ako. May point naman talaga siya... tsaka, ewan ko ba. Hindi ako maka-hindi kay Olly. 

Pagkabayad ko no'ng pinamili ko lumabas na rin kaagad ako sa convenience store at inabutan ng donut si Olly, "Sorry, lilibre kita ng mas better next time," sambit ko. Natawa naman siya at parang nakipag-debate pa sa utak niya bago kinuha 'yung donut.