at long last, peace

thirty four

The meds weren't working again. 

Or maybe they were and I was just being stubborn because I decided not to take them today because my mind's  still in a constant haywire. Hindi ko na alam kung ano ba'ng dapat kong gawin... ilang oras pa lang no'ng nalaman ko 'yun, but I have been subjecting my self to so much pity and anger that I have been spiraling back again to my relapses. Hanggang ngayon hindi ko alam kung pa'no ko iproseso 'yung nalaman ko... 'yung mga naalala ko. Ni hindi ko alam kung kaya kong harapin si Rene matapos kong malaman na death anniversary ni Reen kahapon...

Para akong sinasaksak nang paulit-ulit kaya gusto ko na lang matulog nang matulog para hindi ko maalala.

Yet what makes it ten times worse than it already is, is how I've been wanting to cry myself to sleep to alleviate whatever was consuming me inside—pero pati 'yun hindi ko magawa. 

Pakiramdam ko ubos na ubos na'ko.

Ang pathetic sa pakiramdam.

Napatitig na lang ako sa kisame, sinusubukang isipin kung pa'no ko ba tatakasan 'to. I knew I don't have enemies and the only one I've been in a constant battle with was with myself. Alam ko rin namang hindi ko kalaban sila Rene... they were victims, too, like I was. And if I lost a best friend, for them they didn't just lose someone... they lost a family.

It finally started to make sense.

On why I suddenly have nightmares again.

On why I spiraled back to my self-destruction.

Rene was my trigger... and her mom was the one who pulled it for me.

But I wasn't blaming them for something they don't even have control over. If ever there's someone that should be condemned, I knew I was that person.

After all... I led Reen to her death.

And that could have been me, too... kung sana lang hinayaan na lang namin 'yung stuffed toy ko... pwede naman kasing bumili na lang ulit.

Still.

Ang daming sana. Ang daming what ifs. Ang sakit sa dibdib.

Nagtalukbong ako saglit ng kumot pero nagulat ako nang biglang bumukas 'yung pinto, but I didn't even have the energy to check kung sino'ng pumasok. Ni hindi ko na inisip kung sino'ng pwedeng pumasok. 

I just... feel so exhausted and drained.

I just want this madness to end.

"Telly." Napatingin ako sa tumawag sa pangalan ko at tipid na ngumiti nang makita ko sila mama sa harapan ko, pretending I was alright but I knew mom wasn't having any of it anymore. If there was somebody who could see right through me—it'd always be my mom. And I'd always be grateful that she could understand me and my lows... 

Pero ngayon sana hindi na lang niya naiintindihan kung ano'ng nararamdaman ko... Kasi ang hirap din para sa'kin na makitang nasasaktan sila. Pero kahit gano'n, I didn't even have the energy to cry kaya kahit umiiyak si mama, hindi ko alam kung ano ba'ng dapat kong maramdaman. 

But for mom... even without the tears, I just know she knows I'm crippling inside to the point of no return.

"I'm sorry... I'm really sorry, Telly."

I remained mum at hinayaan lang na yakapin ako ni mama. She was crying so hard pero hindi ko alam kung ano ba'ng dapat kong sabihin... kung sa'n dapat ako magsimula. Sobrang dami kong gustong itanong, pero bigla akong nanghina. As much as I wanted to ask them all the whys, I just don't know how.

Somehow it feels like I should only blame myself for what happened.

Hindi ko alam kung dapat ba'kong magalit kila mama dahil hindi nila sinabi sa'kin. Hindi ko rin alam kung bakit, pero gustuhin ko mang malaman, parang ayaw pang mag-proseso ng utak ko. Napatingin ako kay papa na nakatingin lang din sa'min, tipid siyang ngumiti at tumango, but even his eyes gave away what he was really feeling.