at long last, peace

fourteen

"Are you happy now?" The voices kept on following me nonstop as if if trying to lure me in a never-ending maze of darkness. I was well aware that I was dreaming, but the more they become rampant every now and then--pakiramdam ko hindi ko na rin ma-distinguish kung nasaan ba talaga ako.

Para akong hinihila kahit subukan kong lumayo.

"Isa."

Mabilis akong napabangon sa higaan--hinahabol ang hininga at pawis na pawis. I closed my eyes so tight and pinched myself to make sure I was already back to my reality because that nightmare... it felt real. It felt like I was really there, and I couldn't just grasp everything that was happening because most parts were dark and blurry--like they were hidden at the back of my mind.

I took a deep breath in and sighed before checking the time--1:00 AM pa lang. My hands were shaking as I grab my water bottle and opening my medicine kit and taking my medicine. I was still shaky and trying to grasp for breath as if I just drowned. Napahilamos na lang ako ng mukha at tinignan ang messenger ko kung may message si mama, but the last message was at 10:00 PM. Natulog kasi ako nang maaga kagabi since Sunday at may pasok na ulit ngayong araw. I was sleepy so I grabbed the chance para hindi ako mag-rely sa pills.

And yet here I was again.

Paulit-ulit na lang,

Dahan-dahan akong bumaba ng deck ko at binuksan 'yung ref para kumuha ng gatas bago nagsuot ng cardigan at lumabas ng dorm. May garden kasi sa labas kaya umupo muna ako do'n habang nakatitig lang sa kalangitan at umiinom ng gatas. 

The nightmares keep on worsening as nights pass by--but I couldn't really understand where they were coming from, at hindi ko rin alam kung ano'ng possible triggers. I keep on dreaming about someone younger than me who keeps on callim me, as if asking me to save her, but I couldn't really do anything... it's always either I can't move or I keep on running away.

I sighed and checked for my phone, a message popping on my notifications that same moment.

Oliver Dominique: Why are you still awake? Moving exams?

I chuckled. Sobrang ironic kasi hindi naman ako nag-aaral nang ganitong oras. Sayang kasi kung mag-aaral ako tapos wala ring papasok sa utak ko.

But I couldn't tell him, yet. Or anyone, as for that matter. It's not that I want to keep everything to myself for the rest of my life, but I want to figure it out myself first... if I'm just having random, recurring nightmares or it really has something to do with me.

Kasi pakiramdam ko 'yung huli.

Pero natatakot din ako... kasi paano? 

Telly Figueroa: I'm drinking yogurt. Sleep nako afterrr

Oliver Dominique: Ok ^^ see u at school

Seen 1:17 AM

I left him on read since I wasn't really in the mood to talk to anyone right now, although there's always been a part of me who wants to reach out. Maybe it's about the feeling of being scared? Or maybe... they might find me annoying? Or maybe they won't understand where I'm coming from, or kung itanong nila kung bakit may ganito ako kasi kahit ako naman hindi ko alam kung paano. And even though Olly knows about my condition already, but him knowing it accidentally doesn't mean I'm ready to open up already.

It's this anxious feeling that prevents me from opening up to other people kahit gusto kong mag-reach out. Hindi naman kasi sila 'yung problema... alam ko namang some of them would really listen and understand me, but it's different when the conflict isn't external but internal. It gets worse when the voices in your head convince you that it'll never be okay to tell others, and then you get carried away, and then it gets heavier even more.