at long last, peace

thirty five

"Why are you here?" Napalingon ako nang marinig ko 'yung boses ni Olly bago ibinalik 'yung tingin sa mga halaman ko. Lumabas kasi ako para magpahangin at mag-isip-isip na rin siguro. Wala na rin namang backing out kasi na-send ko na 'yung request for LOA at nakapagbayad na'ko ng fee... tsaka desidido naman na talaga ako.

Baka mas lalo lang lumala 'yung kondisyon ko knowing that I could self-destruct anytime.

Besides... I don't think I can face Rene every day knowing I led her sister to death.

Hindi ko alam kung ano'ng magagawa ko...

Tipid akong ngumiti, "Just... charging my social battery," natatawa kong sagot.

"Oh." Olly reached for his nape before pointing his thumb sa pinto. "Uh... I'll just go back inside," he uttered, smiling.

Akmang papasok na sana si Olly pero mabilis kong hinablot 'yung dulo ng shirt niya para pigilan siyang lumabas dahilan para magkatinginan kami saglit pero mabilis din naman akong umiwas. Ang weird pa rin... tinanggap ko na lang naman na baka crush ko nga siya kaya siguro medyo nawala na sa utak ko 'yung awkwardness. 'Di naman niya malalaman kung hindi ko sasabihin, tsaka mabait naman si Toby, ang weird naman kung sasabihin niya kay Olly na crush ko siya.

"Okay lang naman na nandito ka," nahihiyang sabi ko pero natawa si Olly bago umupo sa tabi ko.

Tahimik lang kaming pareho habang nakatingin sa mga halaman ko. Nakakatuwa. Akala ko mapapatay ko noon 'yung halaman na binigay ni Corrine, tapos ngayon ang dami ko nang nabubuhay na halaman. Pakiramdam ko tuloy ang laking achievement na. Tinatawanan ko pa noon si papa kasi ang hilig niyang mag-alaga ng halaman, tapos ngayon ko na-realize na therapeutic naman talaga.

"Will you still come to school tomorrow?"

I shrugged, "Siguro pag may message na si dean," sambit ko at napayuko. "I think I should talk to Rene and her mom by then, too."

Nagulat ako nang biglang tapikin ni Olly 'yung balikat ko dahilan para mapatingin ako sa kaniya.

Ngumiti siya, "Don't force yourself, okay? I talked to Rene before I came here, tinatanong niya kung ayos ka lang. I asked her to come with us, pero ang sabi niya nahihiya raw siya."

Napa-buntonghininga ako.

"Ako pa nga dapat 'yung mahiya," malungkot kong sabi. "I did that to Reen... I shouldn't even be out here thinking kasi kasalanan ko naman kung bakit siya namatay. I should be begging for their forgiveness... right?"

As much as I didn't want to antagonize myself for what happened, kahit balik-baliktarin ko naman 'yung mundo, totoo naman talagang kasalanan ko 'yung nangyari. I should have told Reen that I could live without that damned stuffed toy... I should've remembered what mom told, na huwag kaming lalayo.

Kung sana nag-isip ako nang mabuti.

E 'di sana buhay pa rin si Reen ngayon.

I robbed her of a life that she should be living, and instead of punishing myself for what happened... I even chose to forget about her as a coping mechanism.

If her mom felt unfair... she should.

Besides, Reen was her child.

I was just her friend.

We really all have regrets that will forever haunt us.

"Kinakain ako ng konsensya ko, Olly... Hindi ko alam kung ano'ng dapat kong gawin."

Olly sighed, "You didn't want that to happen, Telly... You were young back then... Still, maybe it's just right to apologize to Rene's mom. Reen's still her child, after all."