at long last, peace

thirty eight

"Isa... are you happy now?" 

"Telly, gising!" Mabilis kong iminulat ang mga mata ko nang marinig ko ang boses ni mama habang niyuyugyog niya ako para magising. Mama sighed and pulled me into a hug habang pinapakalma niya ako. I was getting even more guilty because of what I've been putting my mom through ever since I got back home. Ni hindi na nga ata siya natutulog nang matagal para mabantayan 'yung pagtulog ko.

My nightmares left me scarred and scared, yet maybe I just needed to learn how to live and find healing. Sinabi rin naman ni Doc Pidlaoan na the nightmares will gradually decrease as I work on my therapy—not that we were forcing the traumas to go away because even my therapist said that forgetting traumas have never been uncomplicated, and trying to stop someone from dwelling from their past would feel invalidating. 

University could have been a coping mechanism—yet I had to stop and reflect on myself because it felt like I wasn't studying to learn anymore. I was just keeping myself busy and busy so that I could barely feel anything because I didn't allow myself to, not realizing that that was already self-destruction and I was already a brink away from exploding. I was trying to process so much information para lang hindi ako mag-isip nang iba. 

I was basically a ticking bomb waiting to explode. The fact that I could burst anytime scared me so bad when Doc Pidlaoan talked to me about the condition I was already in. I was trying so hard to mask the pain outside that I was almost in a state of reaction formation. Ni hindi ko nga alam na coping mechanism din pala 'yung pagiging masyadong masayahin ko, that sometimes the pain becomes unacknowledged already, kasi akala ko I was just trying to protect people around me from my outbursts.

Turns out I was protecting myself.

And if I let the situation go on without seeking help, it could've been more damaging for me.

"It's okay, Telly. It's okay, I'm here," bulong ni mama habang hinahagod 'yung likod ko. I wasn't crying anymore, maybe because I finally figured out who the people were in my dreams, and maybe because I was just genuinely glad I still get to see Reen every once in a while... pero kahit na gano'n, hindi ko pa rin kasi mapigilang matakot. Kasi baka biglang babalik na naman ako sa simula, hanggang sa paulit-ulit na cycle na lang ang mangyari. 

Ayaw ko naman mangyari 'yun.

Gusto ko rin namang gumaling. Gusto ko rin namang matupad 'yung mga pangarap ko. Ang dami-dami kong gusto sa buhay, pero kahit hindi ko naman ginagawang excuse 'yung kondisyon ko... kahit ano namang sabihin ko, malaking factor talaga 'yun. I've seen people struggle with the condition and still graduate, and I have always been happy for them, but then mom and my therapist never made me feel that I should feel envy. Lahat naman kasi tayo may kani-kaniyang oras para sa mga bagay. Hindi naman pabilisan ang buhay. 

I just knew I really had to pause. Hindi naman ako titigil. Hihinga lang saglit hanggang sa kaya ko na ulit. 

Mom sighed, "I wish you didn't have to suffer like this... It hurts me, Telly. It hurts me so much."

I hugged her tightly, "Just as long as I know that you and papa are there for me, I can still fight mom," I whispered, breaking the embrace. "Do you think... you can tell me what happened, mom?"

Mom smiled, caressing my cheek with her thumb like how she always does it whenever I wake up from a bad nightmare. Tinulungan niya muna akong umupo nang maayos sa kama at binuksan 'yung night lamp sa may desk ko bago bumalik at umupo sa tabi ko habang hawak-hawak 'yung mga kamay ko. 

"We were living in Pampanga back then... your dad, dentist siya noon sa hospital nila Reen at personal dentist din siya ng mga bata kaya nagkakilala rin kami ng parents niya. They were really kind and we got along really well," mom uttered smiling at me habang hinahagod niya lang 'yung kamay ko para pakalmahin ako. "Rene was, you know, a social butterfly ever since you were kids, while you and Reen were the introverts that's why you got along pretty well with just watching cartoons in her room. Ni hindi ko nga kayo narinig mag-away noon, para kayong magkapatid kasi ever since 5 kayo magkasama na kayong dalawa."