at long last, peace

thirty seven

TRIGGER WARNING

This chapter will tackle suicide ideation, depressive episodes, and pessimism.

**

It's always your fault. You don't deserve to live. You're so bad at this. Kasalanan mo 'yan. 

I kept mum as I stare at the paper filled with these poisonous thoughts that fill my mind every single day. I took a deep breath in and sighed.

"Are you done?"

I nodded.

Doc Pidlaoan smiled and nodded, "With the phrases you've written, you don't have to read them or show them to me. Think of someone yelling these to you, what do you think will you do?"

"I think... I'll get angry? Ask them what's wrong?"

He nodded.

"If you think you'll get angry with someone shoving these phrases to your throat, then why do you carry them with you all the time?"

I paused.

He smiled.

"What were your greatest regrets, Telly?"

Growing up, I thought I wouldn't have something that I'll always regret when I look back—bits and pieces of my memories still seem hazy, but I just knew that I had a memorable childhood—even when I was forced to grow and find my own healing because of what happened. Ever since I was a kid, I knew I've always wanted to live a simple life. Siguro 'yung tipong malapit sa dagat o siguro sa probinsya. Masaya naman ako kahit saan, basta tahimik lang.

Yet life grants you something different—something that would test you and leave you wondering if you even deserve your happiness.

Because back then... the greatest regret I had was life itself. It didn't feel like a gift. When I was silently suffering from a condition I wasn't even aware of, I could never utter how I was helpless because I was given the love that I deserved... my parents were always there and pampered me with so much care that I felt guilty when I felt empty all the time.

I regretted so much that I had to be their daughter because I just felt... worthless. And what made it ten times worse was that I didn't even know what made me feel that way. People said I was full and filled with so much care and love, so bakit daw ako ma-de-depress? 

Nagbibiro lang daw ako. 

Is there an unwritten rule that an illness wouldn't be real if people never saw who you really are?

Napatikhim ako at napa-buntonghininga, "Life?" I uttered, not even knowing if I was sure about my answer. Nakatitig lang ako sa picture frame na nakasabit sa dingding. It was a photo of leaves where the sunbeam was lighting through. It was calming, no wonder mama bought the frame and hung it on the wall no'ng inaayos nila 'tong therapy room ko—which was just an empty room at the house na supposed to be stock room. "I'm not really sure... I think I have a lot of them."

"Tell me, why did you regret life itself?"

I took a deep breath in.

"I think... at this point, I think I still regret life, and maybe some people would even bother to tell me I shouldn't because I have everything on my plate served. Back then, I thought it was easier for me to tell myself I shouldn't be depressed because well... my family was better than okay, I knew I received that love that I deserve... but then, I just spiraled even more," I uttered, trying to fight off the tears, pero hindi ko rin mapigilan. 

Ayaw ko nang umiyak.

"I regret life simply because I don't think I deserve mine... much more when I remembered I was responsible for Reen's death," I uttered. "I just don't think I could ever forget about that night now that I remember it, ironically."