let me love you ~ michael jackson & ariana grande

grief and sorrows

July 22nd, 1988

Ariana

I sit by the hospital bed and stare down at my grandfather's frail figure. I think about how happy I was yesterday before getting a call from my mother that my grandpa has been hospitalized again, this time, the doctors said it was guaranteed he wouldn't make it through. I had a panic attack yesterday, almost scaring Michael to death. After I told him what happened, he scheduled me a flight on his jet, he insisted on coming with me but I had to convince him that he needed to do the show tonight. We argued about it for a while until he agreed on performing. I never wanted to be the person to pull Michael away from work.

My mind drifts back to the present, I just don't know why all of this is happening to him, he's a good person with a good heart. He doesn't deserve to go like this. The tears on my face are dried up, I'm too tired to keep crying.

"Bellissima, promise me that you'll...never change for anybody, stick to your morals..." Gosh, his voice even sounds weaker. "Don't be afraid to mourn or miss me, just please don't dwell on it. Take care of yourself, Michael and most importantly that little darling inside of ya." I can see his eyes slowly shutting close, I peacefully nudge him. The tears are starting to come back now.

"No, you can't leave me! I don't know what I'll do, grandpa. I love you too much to let you go." I hug him violently, my cries and sobs getting louder.

"It's my...my time. Tell your mother I love her, tell Nonna....tell Nonna that I never stopped falling in love with her. Goodbye, my Bellissima."

A beep rings throughout the room, my eyes shoot up to the heart monitor. A flat line is displayed on the screen, this seems to snap something inside of me.

"No, no, no. You can't be gone, come back!" I furiously start giving him some type of improper CPR.

This alarms nurses to come behind me and pull me out of the room.

"Let me go! I have to...have to bring him back!" I flail out of their arms as I'm shedding tears.

"Ariana, you have to calm down." My mother rushes over and brings me into a hug.

"I...I can't." I weep into my mother's arms while we stand in the gloomy hospital hallway.

Life isn't as good as I thought it was.

⊹⊱✫⊰⊹

It's been a week or two since my grandfather's passing, the funeral is today and I'm dreading attending. Even though Michael isn't with me physically, he's been very helpful over the phone, keeping me motivated and at surface level.

At first I refused to eat or drink anything, I felt too depressed. I then realized that it's not only me in this body anymore so I'm really only eating for the baby's sake but it's better than nothing.

I chose to stay with my mom in LA instead of going back to Santa Barbara County to Neverland. Being there alone wouldn't be good for me right now.

I've been quiet these past days and have felt very emotionally drained. I'm supposed to be at the happiest point of my life right now but it feels like it's only going down.

It's still a long way until the end of the Bad tour and I'm not sure how much longer I can go on with Michael travelling further and further away from me. I just need to be strong for the baby that lives inside of me.