let me love you ~ michael jackson & ariana grande

...loss

a/n: i'm so sorry guys :(

June 25th, 2009

1:27 am

Michael

I lay awake, staring at the ceiling hopelessly. Sometimes I'll have days where I can get a few decent hours of rest before being knocked back out by Dr. Murray but tonight just isn't one of those nights.

My eyes fall on Ariana sleeping peacefully. She looks beautiful all the time but when she sleeps, she truly looks like an angel that just fell from the heavens.

Decades can pass and I'll always wonder why she chose me, she could of ended up with anybody yet she's here with me. And I thank God every day for putting her into my life, she's the reason why I wake up, she's the reason why I try to go to sleep, I think we were truly brought together by a higher power. I can't help but think about her 45th birthday, I have so much planned for her and she doesn't even know. This birthday is going to be extra special and I'm going to be so glad I'm the one who threw it all together for her, she is the love of my life.

I lean down and kiss her ever so softly, making sure not to wake her up.

"I love you." I whisper into her ear, I quietly and slowly throw the blanket off of me, wrap myself in my robe and leave the bedroom.

I'm faced with Dr. Murray sitting in the hall on his cellphone, his figure startles me so I jump a little. I hold my heart as I roll my eyes.

"You scared me, Doctor." I admit, slightly catching my breath.

"I apologize, Mr. Jackson." He slips his phone into a pocket inside his blazer. "Trouble sleeping?" He questions.

I nod as I slip my hands in my robe pockets.

"We're gonna start with a Valium pill, okay?" He grabs the medication from the cart that sits outside my bedroom door, he has water ready for me.

"You know I'm going to need something stronger than this." I swallow the pill, raising the water to my lips quickly after.

"And until then, we're taking it slow." He retorts, sitting back down.

I walk back into my bedroom, let my robe fall to the floor and crawl back into bed. I'm almost gaslighting myself to fall asleep and once I think it might be working, I realize I've been doing this for 30 minutes as I read the clock.

                                    2:00 am

I get up for the second time, throwing my robe on a little more frustrated and am quickly face to face with Dr. Murray.

"Still not asleep?" I don't know why the man sounds even remotely surprised considering majority of our nights are like this. I tell him no and his next idea is to inject Lorazepam through an IV. I'll take whatever I can get so I'm all for the idea.

He hooks up an IV and soon I'm walking back into the room, pushing it around. I get in bed trying to make as little noise as possible. Once I'm somewhat comfortable, I close my eyes and wait for the medication to kick in.

I sigh in anger as I lay there for what feels like hours. Not even an ounce of grogginess is passing through my system, my insomnia is at an all time high tonight.

I toss the blanket off, swinging my legs off the bed so my feet rest on the floor. I throw my head in my hands and silently groan, I glance back at my wife and see her completely knocked out. I'm envious to say the least.

I stand up carefully and leave the bedroom once again. Dr. Murray sits there and watches me.

                                  3:00 am