High School Au- Bungou Stray Dogs AU

pencil sharpeners

TW: s*lf h*rm, panick attacks, mental breakdowns

Dazais P.O.V.

The next day at school I steal one of those mini pencil sharpeners. No one will notice if I just hide it in my bag. Why am I even taking it im not gonna use it...im just gonna hold onto it.

Most the day goes like normal. Once we get...home? Back to atsushis house I actually stay around the others. I've always kind of isolated myself but I need to spend time with chuuya and aku sometimes. They're like family after all. "Dazai are you doing alright? You look tierd." "I just didn't get much sleep-" "emotionaly tierd" chuuya interrupts me and aku just stares. "I...im fine." I'm clearly not but I'll try to lie about it. "Dazai..." "can we change the subject please-" they both nod. We just all talk about random shit for like 45 minutes before me and atsu go upstairs. Once I'm in atsushis room I sit on his bed and start trying to talk happily. Which fails.

"Dazai your clearly not okay" I stare at the floor. "The bad thoughts are bothering me...thats all" atsushi hugs me. "Your gonna get through this dazai" "...yeah- sure" "I mean it. I love you" I sigh "I love you to atsu." He stays quite for a second and then looks at me. "Did something happen? You seem like your hiding something" "wha- no. Everything is fine." "Let me see your wrists" "I DIDNT CUT" "Then what happend." "I had a panick attack again. Hit myself a few times thats all." I mean. I'm not completely lying. "Dazy. The whole story." "NO. Im not telling you." If he finds out about the pencil sharpener he'll be mad. "Dazai tell me!?" "NO YOUR GONNA GET MAD AT ME." "No I won't" he grabs my hand. I reluctantly hand him my backpack. "What-?" "If you can figure it out then you can take it" "wiat wha- wiat." He opens my bag and finds the damn sharpener almost immediately. "Dazai..." "I didn't use it...yet-" "Where do you keep getting these?" "...school, dollar stores, in trashcans. Basically everywhere." I look away and he hugs me. "Give it back. Please...its the only thing that numbs all the bad thoughts" "it only makes them worse in the long run." I stay quite

The next day at school I find another one but this time I have full intent of cutting myself again. I lock myself in the bathroom and roll my sleeve up as high as it would go. The higher up the less likely anyone will see. I cut my arm a few times before I put it back in my bag and go back to class. I end up going back there a few more times and cutting more. Once the day is finally over and we are walking home I act like everything is normal or atleast try to.

Once we get home I go straight to atsushis room and he hugs me. I start crying into his shoulder. "I'm I'm fucking tierd" "I know dazy...the weekends only three days away. You can just stay in bed and cry I won't mind." I nod a bit. "Thats probably all I have the energy to do..." "can I check your backpack again." OH SHIT FUCK I FORGOT TO GET RID OF THE- NOW BROKEN AND BLOOD STAINED- PENCIL SHARPENER. "UH- no you can't" I take my bag and hold onto it. "Dazai I have to. I'm not gonna be mad" I just give in and hope he doesn't find it. When he does he looks at me. "Dazy- you used it didn't you" "im sorry..." "can I see" I reluctantly roll up my sleeve showing the very fresh cuts basically all up and down my left arm. "I...did it more than once..." atsushi doesn't say anything he just hugs me. "I'm sorry atsu-" "you need to stop. I'm serious. This is getting really bad. You need to find some other way to get your emotions out" "I can hit myself" "that's still self harm." "...I know- Im just stuck in a loop it won't stop. I can't fucking stop." He hugs me tighter. "Please try something else. I'll help you find something else to do. Just please stop hurting yourself..." I stay quite and nod. "Ill...I'll try to." "When your at home you can scream and cry I won't mind" "even if it's 1 A.M.?" "Yes. Even if it's one A.M." "ill...I'll try ripping up paper or something but it probably won't help" "okay well- whenever you wanna hurt yourself you can tell me and we can cuddle. Or you can just come up to me and cuddle me you don't need to explain. If your at school you can text me I'll text back. I don't care if I get yelled at" I start happy sobbing "thank you...so so fucking much."