High School Au- Bungou Stray Dogs AU

Living but not alive.

TW: s*lf h*rm mentions and urges, mental breakdowns, panic attacks, nightmares, abuse, mentions of st*rv*tion

Dazais P.O.V.

The next day at school I can barley focus. My arms ache the whole day. I just wanna hi nine but the others obviously won't let me. I end up spending lunch sobbing in the bathroom. Atsushi ended up staying there with me. He let my cry into his arms until I felt better, we ended up misses some of the next class but he didn't care. "I..I'm fine you can go to class now" "no. I wanna help you Dazai, and also I don't trust you alone right now" "...understandable" "you still have the bandages on right?" "Yes and my arms hurt like shit" "Dazy I'm sorry..." I stay quite and get up. "I think I can go back to class now, I'll text you if I end up coming back here, k?" "Alright" Atsushi kisses me on the cheek before we open the door.

When we get back to atsus I just stay in his room all day. I don't do my homework j just cling onto atsushi and cry. "Dazai-" "why do I need to live atsushi give me a good reason you'll all be fine without me I can't do this-" "WE WONT BE FIME WITHOUT YOU DAZAI!?! We all love you." He starts crying a bit. "Shit I'm sorry- stop crying" "I'd probably have starved to death by now if it weren't for you...and Chuuya and akutagawa would still be stuck with that asshole you all ran away from. Your like the only person who cares about me and honestly the only one I trust" I stay quite and he hugs me. "Atsushi I can't-" "shut up. Don't say that." "..." "you're gonna be okay." "Are you sure? Will I ever feel okay?" "Yes of course!"

I wake up because of a nightmare again, I try to get up but atsushis clinging to me in his sleep so much I can't even sit up. I cuddle my head into his shoulder and try to fall back asleep. I'm guessing he's clinging to me so much because he's scared of me being alone...which is probably for the better. I stare at my bandages and then fall asleep.

When we both wake up he asks if I'm okay. "I..yeah I had a nightmare last night but you wouldn't let go of me" "oh- I'm sorry" "no it's probably a good thing. I was gonna do something...not good to myself again...so it's a good thing you held onto me like that I guess..."

The next week or two just go by like a daze. I don't know how I even feel anymore I just feel empty. I'm living but I'm not alive, I'm breathing but I'm not alive. Mentally, I've just died. Atsushi keeps checking my bag for blades everyday and checking my wrists to. He just wants to keep me safe but I don't wanna worry him with my issues, this is why I never talked to people. I hug my knees. I'm hiding in the bathroom again. "I shouldn't have ever talked to atsushi it would be better fkr everyone...mori was right I'm a useless peice of shit all I ever do is hurt people and ruin things I can't even care about myself WHATS WRONG WITH ME!?!"