High School Au- Bungou Stray Dogs AU

i cant take it anymore

TW: s*lf h*rm, su*c*de, e*ting d*sorders, self hatred, panic attacks

Dazais P.O.V.
The next few days feel like absolute shit, I've barley gotten any sleep I've barely had enough energy to even get up and eat and I still have to go to school. Atsushi keeps trying to help me even though I want him to focus on himself...I just wish it would all stop. If I slit my wrists and bled out it would just end. It'd probably work better than the pills did to... my thinking gets interrupted by a loud school bell. Finally it's lunch. I go and sit with the others like always and I basically cling onto atsushi the entire period. "Dazai what's wrong" "everythiinnggg." "Do you wanna keep holding onto my arm?" "Y..yeah that'd be nice..." I look away and atsushi pats my head. "Also atsu you need to eat lunch." "I...I know I know..."

After lunch is over, which was just me crying, hugging atsushi, and forcing him to eat, we all go back to our classes but I end up skipping.

I end up just going back to atsushis house and crying in his...our?...his...room. Chuuya and aku start texting me and ask where I am when they don't see me in any classes, I tell them I went home and they say okay. After I cry more I lock myself in atsushis bathroom again. I'm not fine at all and everyone knows that. I pull out the same blade as the other day. Atsushi hide it from me but I found it. I just sit there and sob for like 30 minutes before I hear my phone start going off. I grab it and I check who it is, it's atsushi, I answe it. "Hello? Aren't you at school?" "Yeah I just wanted to check up on you, I don't trust you alone with yourself for that long" I fake a giggle and try to sound happy "I'm fine atsushi don't worry, k?" "Are you sure?" "Yeah! Im gonna go now. Focus on your class work" "alright" he hangs up and I put my phone next to me.

Eventually I give Into the dark thoughts but this time the cuts aren't small and would heal in a few days, they're way worse than that and I almost pass out just from the sheer pain. Once I stop I put the blade down and sit there, hopefully I bleed out or something. I grab my phone and text atsushi 'I love you lol <3' just incase this does kill me. Then everything just gets fuzzy and I feel myself pass out

When I wake up I realize I'm not in the bathroom anymore. "...am I alive?" "YOU SAID YOUD BE OKAY!?!" "...I thought I'd be fine..." I sit up and burry my head in my knees. "We're you trying to kill yourself!?!" I don't say anything. "Dazai answer me-" "do chuuya and aku know about this? And how'd you even find me?" "Yeah they do, and it's my house, I have keys to every room" "oh yeah..look atsushi I'm sorry. I just wanted all the bad thoughts to stop. I know that isn't the right way to deal with it I just don't know what to do anymore." "...Dazai...." "...at first I wasn't trying to kill muscle but once I'd started cutting I just..." I start sobbing again and atsushi hugs me. "Hey. Hey. Hey. Dazai calm down, your gonna be okay don't worry. Don't take the bandages off until tonight, just let me change them for you before you go to bed, okay?" "A...alright...I should probably go talk to chuuya and aku..." "yeah..."

Once I get downstairs they both look at me. "Guys I'm sorry-" "why?" Chuuya and aku keep starting at me. "Why did you do that..." "...I'm fine-" chuuya stands up and looks at me. "YOUR CLEARLY NOT FINE. THIS ISNT OKAY DAZAI YOU CANT KEEP DOING THIS TO YOURSELF!?! WE ALL CARE ABOUT YOU!" "...but I hate myself. I desvere all of this pain." "No you don't. Look I'm sorry I yelled I just hate seeing you like this" "AND I HATE MYSELF" "dazai..." "I thought I was getting better but nope. I guess i really am a letdown huh..." "dazai stop saying that stuff." They both hug me and I hug them back and start crying.