Risk and Reward

Chapter One-The Risks We Take

It's going to snow today.

There's something different in the air and I can smell the sharpness of it. Perhaps it comes from trekking through inches of it for so long with my family. Then what happened afterward...the sight of red blood on pure white snow still haunts me and visits my nightmares. Even though they've changed since that day. Changed in the past few months. I sigh softly and tighten the buckles covering my body. It will be two years since their deaths this winter. Over half a year since I was Made and thrown into this wild, wonderful, painful, joyous new life. I turn away from the window and smile softly at the sight of my husband and mate still asleep in bed.

We were declared both on the day that this house was finished. A small and simple ceremony on the edge of the Sidra with our future waiting just behind us. It was perfect. Everything we'd dreamed it would be. Large windows decorate the house, huge fireplaces are in almost every room, we have enough space to house all our friends, as well as the two hounds currently splayed in front of the fire on top of plush pillows. We're all spoiled. The only thing that isn't perfect...is me.

Even with all this time and after declaring us mates, I haven't been able to give all of myself to Azriel. We'd done a lot and I improved over time. He's helped me to heal from all that's happened in the past and I know he's happy with whatever I give him, would be happy continuing like this forever, but I also know it chafes on him. To be mated without mating, well, I know it grinds on his instincts as much as he fights it. It's hard for him to see me with Cassian sometimes. Of all people. It's not just him, either. I nearly tore the arm off of a server in a bar the other night because her hand touched his shoulder.

My eyes lift to the window and my head shakes as the sharp smell of snow grows a little stronger. No matter what, it seems I can't avoid my past in any form, but maybe that will turn out to be a good thing.

Dawn barely tints the sky and I decide it's time to go. As I slip on my boots, both hounds lift their sleepy heads to look at me and I raise my brows in silent invitation. Shadow is instantly on his feet with a wag of his tail. He'd grown a lot these past months and now challenges his mother in size and strength. We'd had a little problem in the beginning with them killing some of the livestock nearby, but after that we'd managed alright. Emerald, his mother, rises a bit slower as she stretches and lingers by the fire before I walk over. She'd been a real surprise. While cautious and careful in the early days, she warmed to me relatively quickly. She and Azriel are begrudging friends, but that's about it. With everyone else, she's annoyed and that's on a good day. It nearly reminds me of a certain Archeron sister that I hadn't seen enough of recently.

Even with the time nearing, I can't resist walking over to my mate and letting my lips hover over his. "I'm heading out. Keep sleeping." Shadows sleepily come to life around him. The languid, relaxed movements make me grin. Only here is he so at ease, only with me.

Hazel eyes open before a drowsy smile tugs at his lips when our eyes meet. "Do you want me with you?" He offers, but I shake my head.

"I want you to sleep. I know you haven't been lately." Shadows pass in the depths of his eyes and he reaches out to slide his hand over mine as if to make sure I'm not a dream. We'd both gained more than a few pretty scars from the war. Nightmares come to haunt us as well. While I wake up covered in sweat and winnow into the bathroom for him to hold my hair as I retch, Azriel is different. He wakes up covered in sweat, sure, but then goes silent. His eyes turn glassy and the only thing I've found that helps is to stay with him through it. Usually I sit in his lap so he can hold me as we rest our foreheads against one another.

Between the nightmares and Az spying, neither of us has gotten much sleep lately.

His hand slides from my hand to my wrist before his gaze finally flits over me. He heaves a heavy breath at the sight of my leathers. "The Steppes, then."