Here I Stand (BWWM) (AMBW) [COMPLETED]

Chapter sixty-seven: Cooling off period, #friends don't kiss

Isa's pov

Stumbling across the alley we made it to my room, I wanted... To let go and not to, we grasped for air, in the meantime I laid on my bed, Rajiv sat next to me, "You make me lose it, Isa" he murmured defeated, his thumb on my cheek, I wanted to ask but was too afraid of his reaction, "I am working on being fine again" he admitted reading my mind, "...but I need you".

"I will be by your side as long as you want me, but as a friend" "What? Why? I'm sorry, I will do better" I shushed him, soothing the storm I had caused, "I need you to be a priority for yourself, I need you to be fine again" "Oh, please. I am working on it! I'm getting help" he raised his voice a bit.

"Please, Isa" "Just until you get better, I promise" his attention was no longer with me.

So, I took his hand, placed on my chest, to let him feel how fast my heart was beating, his eyes widened but still he was upset, "You have this effect on me", "I like you okay? A lot more than I should" "Then be with me" "We never truly had a shot at love, I want us to give it a go, but I want our tentative to be fair, to be the best possible, and in order to do so, I need you to be okay, I need you whole, okay?"

"Can I have you for this night only?" I laid on the bed and patted the spot next to me, he hurriedly went for it, afraid that I would change my mind.

I took my glasses off, he laid facing me, he grabbed my hand and placed it on his waist, then scooted closer to me, as I closed my eyes, he gently brushed his lips against my forehead, unconsciously inhaling his scent, I started to crave him, I pulled him down so that our lips were on the same level and directed his lips to mine.

"Friends don't kiss" he smile sheepishly against my lips, soon after he was quick to respond to the kiss, leading my lips, as our tongues danced messily, "You are right friend don't kiss" I admitted moaning softly as Rajiv started leaving kisses on my neck.

I wanted to hold him, during the whole night, I wanted to kiss his lips as viciously as he was able to kiss mines, I wanted my body to fall under the influence of his vicinity, I wanted him.

My whole body found his being with me again way too exciting, I was having a herd time falling asleep, just like the first day of school.

Rajiv's pov

My therapy sessions, and work, leaved me weary, but it wasn't that solely, I missed Isa and the kids, I felt regretful about my actions.

Everything I had done was dictated of grief and pain, and anger, and I thought I was entitled to it...and to hurt other people who were trying to help.

In therapy we have been analysing how my father's death has caused me to despise, my sexuality a bit, I hadn't made a choice about who I developed romantic feelings for, and somehow it had ultimately ended in killing my father.

This is what my therapist cleared, he died because of the choice he made, he died because dying was easier, than live and realize that you weren't a bad person, he died because dying he could have preserved his pride.

Before taking such step as deciding to see a specialist, I was in the verge of suicide, there aren't many circumstantial events that can lead you to such desperate decision, one of these was your father choosing to die instead of accepting his bisexual son's organ.

The disease that had caused it all? Pride, pride that stood as a wall between my family and I, people who don't have much, try to overcompensate their lack with pride, as if it was some kind of armour that in the end ends up killing them.

Just the fact of me being able to make the decision of wanting to be in those four walls room, talking about how my father's death fucked me up, and how deep his hate for me was, with a complete stranger was a major step; stating I felt like it, from the beginning is a lie, but as I went I got rid of those old feelings and silenced my demons, one by one, until I was able to sit quietly in my mind's attic that was once crowded by all those negative feelings, and enjoy the sunrise, my sleep, and my life again.

"Can't we just stay like this, for a few minutes?" I implored, hungry for her vicinity.

Once I inhaled her personal scent, and was high enough on it, I went ahead for her lips, seeing as tender she was despite being awoken, in the middle of the night, Isa had missed me, I placed my hands on her neck, awaiting for ounces of self control that at last failed me, as I attacked Isa's lips.

It was relieving like eating in your home country after decades, and addicting like heavy drugs. Not one second, as we clumsily made our way through the alley, I had managed to leave her lips unattended.

"You make me lose it, Isa" I confessed, stroking my thumb on her cheek, "I am working on being fine again" I informed her, she was visibly worried but still cautious of my limits, the extent to which her respect for me arrived never ceased to amaze me.

Isa was the one that will not put her mental health nor her kids' in toxic situations, she will cut you off quicker than you will be able to acknowledge, nobody did it for her, and the result were quite damaging, but growing up she was able to take back control of the people she let around her. "...but I need you" I admitted, starving for her, still.

That night I was reminded of that specific trait, Isa doesn't settle for toxic, non permanent relationships, because as they finish they break her in a way she herself is not sure she will manage to get back together. That is another reason as to why Violet's death broke her the way it did.

Violet was meant to stay, their friendship to last, but even as she got to know about her having cancer, Isa failed to leave, for Violet clung so hard on her, still, and vice versa, that's how Isa made such exemption to her rule and did not flee from the sinking ship.

I stared at her as she drooled on the pillowcase, even that I found adorable.