Here I Stand (BWWM) (AMBW) [COMPLETED]

Chapter eleven: Coping mechanism

It's 4 a.m. and I'm still awake,
my heart still hurts,
and my bones still ache.

Nikita Gill

Isa's pov

The night seemed endless as I tried to sleep, and my dream too much scary for me to want to get some rest. So I got up paying attention not to wake up none of the babies or Rajiv, who was sound asleep at the height of my feet, on a plastic mattress.

Putting my slippers on I walked to the bathroom, I washed my face and put my glasses on, right then looking myself in the mirror I saw her, the girl I didn't wanna remember for the pain her memories brought, I saw her fighting, and screaming but the only thing I could do was to watch her as her tears got mixed up with her blood and once again she gave in.

When I returned to my room I saw Adaline's blanket on the floor, picking it up I saw the box that Violet had left me, I took it and went in the living room.

Going through the diary there were a lot of photos of the two of us, as I opened the letter my heart started to race and my hands to shake, there was a check of 7,000,000 $, a post near it

"For the love you have given me which no one else dared to, for the stitches you had put in my wrists, and for seeing me when I was lost"

I couldn't catch my breath as it was stuck in my throat I fought the urge to cry, I wanted to shout "I don't need or want money I want you, to be here". It was useless she had already left.

" To my dearest friend,
Growing up as a foster kid for me was hard, being abused by my foster parents was awful, and being invisible and bullied made it worse. I felt like I had been punished for something I couldn't remember. It felt like I deserved to be beaten, or cursed at. I cannot and never will be able to express my gratitude for crying with me, for stopping the blood from my cuts, for saying that you too were " broken" smiling as if it was a common thing to do, for telling me your story. I didn't plan on leaving you, but things happen, as I am writing this letter to you I, look at your daughter and know you'll do well. Not because you're a good person but because you can stop the pain from destroying people.

Love, your Violet

Losing the people you love is something that gets you so fu***d up that all you want to do is drink till you forgot your name, and do drugs till your very last breath, why? To stop those emotions, those that manifest themselves in little things, those who you fail to explain, those that cannot be explained with just tears and those loud and disturbing nightmares or demons, that follow you.

I understood it when I was young that, that pain we all suffer, would eventually kill me. For my coping mechanism is not as the others'.

Since young we are told the seemingly innocent sentence "Don't cry", when newborn and the words lack sense in our still developing mind, when we are toddlers and we are just starting to taste their meaning and implications, and from then on we are trained to retain our emotions, as soldiers, once you learn it it's just hard to let go. How shall I express this burden I fell in my heart that weighs me down? Shall I tell people about I feel? But then again what is it that you feel?

Survival note 456: My friend, don't be brave, when it hurts cry, cry when you are angry, when you are frustrated, it is okay.

I had found that there was no bigger monster that could be made than the one we force people become when suppressing their emotions. I also think there is no age when it's deemed appropriate crying, you just do it, under the shower, while partying, when going grocery, at the park, let yourself fall apart, accept letting your emotions being acknowledge by the people surrounding you, they are what make you human, that make you feel alive.

I remember when I four I would cry, so hard, I had to take these gigantic deep breaths before starting, I knew the tantrums would have lasted a while, and afterwards I would feel so much better, I would drink some water, and sleep soundly as well. Back then we had the right to be emotional.

Growing up, I did not know how to deal everything, so I would just suppress my feelings, and bottle them up, till the bottle was too full and eventually turned into a grenade, I was trained to be like that, who would spontaneously keep every emotions inside themselves, just to burst one day.

Getting in the habit of expressing my feelings, vocally required therapy and healing, and forgiveness, and it was totally worth it.