Here I Stand (BWWM) (AMBW) [COMPLETED]

Chapter twelve: The words I failed to say

Aaron's pov

Is something I was used to, not being able to freely tell how I feel but then again what was it that I felt? Pity, affection, sadness, what was it?

It happened in highschool with my twin brother, I was in the football team and he was, well pretty much what they used to call nerd. So they used to bully him, it was terrible, I kept not helping him, minding my business, fearing they would think it's not cool, or kick me out of the team. During every lunch time, and break they would beat him or tease him, it was unbearable but not as unbearable as being an outcast, I thought.

With that in my mind I said nothing, telling myself I would make it up to him in the years to come. Now Everytime I look at him, what am I saying? I can't even look at him, for the shame, and regrets I have and feel. His face, the scar he got from those beatings reminds me of those simply words I failed to say "sorry" "stop" "this is unfair".

"Aaron,...Aaron you need to stop daydreaming or whatever it is that you are doing!" shook me Rajiv "I need your help, it's about Isa" I started "Ahahah, boy you need to change your tactic, because I am not telling you anything" laughed Rajiv patting me. I needed to get closer to her but how?

From time to time I would spare a glance at her, just to see if she was ok, just to look out for a chance to get close to her, it felt weird, usually it would be the other way around, maybe that is what made it more exciting it was kind like a hunt.

Isa's pov

During my lunch break I took my lunch box and my notebook and went to the hospital canteen. I wasn't that hungry so I finished my smoothie and started to write. In the middle of the interesting part I got paged, so I took notebook and went to put it back in my locker, being in hurry I forgot to put it back in my back. I thought nothing of it, there was my name written on it, so it was not like some one would have tried to steal it, or mistake it for theirs.

Aaron's pov

When I saw Isa's locker open, with her notebook in it I couldn't resist so I took it, and started to read it.

I got so caught up with it that I didn't notice the woman glaring at me.

"What are you doing?" Asked me Isa with a minacious look in her face, " I, I just..., Sorry I found on the flo-" before going could finish the sentence she was gone with her notebook. Know I was sure I had completely fucked up my situation.

Isa's pov

As I raced outside with my heart beating fast I felt angry and scared. Angry that someone could access my most intimate thoughts, and scared that Aaron too might think that maybe I was insane.

I started to write when I was twelve years old, it helped me getting through the day without crying, or freaking out, then it became a drug: I needed to write if not I would have lost my mind. There was so much to write about, there were all things I failed to say put loud, like the way teacher used to mistreat my brother in Italy, or the boy I had emotionally hurt in elementary school, because of his bullying, the insecurities that I had noticed observing my classmates, everything and everyone had a story in which they played the villain or the hero.

I wrote about the socially inappropriate things I felt from times to times, and revenge and the stories that made a psychopath such, it would help the feeling of not having control that I learned to cope with in the reality, I find it comforting a way out, a fantasy based world, an alternate world in which I was given the chance to be the villain an not the victim only, and ride along with my demons instead of keeping them in check.

I wrote the comebacks I had failed to mention when arguing, the dialogues from my imaginary characters and every messed up situation I would encounter in the daily life.

It was a perversion that I find useful, whenever I felt helpless, and thirsty of romance, tragedies, revenge or simply blood, cause in the everyday reality all the previous mentioned scenarios were just too time consuming and complicated and dangerous, that just did not go well with my schedule nor personality.

You know how we have a kind psychopath side of ourselves, that all it needs it's to be triggered, that was my strategy to make sure that part would never come out, I had given my chance to be one, so that in real life it wouldn't burden me too much having to be "normal".