Here I Stand (BWWM) (AMBW) [COMPLETED]

Chapter fifty one: I decided not to blame myself

Isa's pov

Waking up to Addy trying to help his bubba (brother) to climb on the bed by pushing his bum, was the best thing ever. "Ezra spingi( push), no you have... Put your leg here" Addy explained Ezra was babbling to himself as confused as Adaline was flustered, he kept talking nonsense that sounded as if he was trying to scold his older sister. I turned and grabbed him by the waist, "He's heavy, thank you Mama" Adaline scooted her hair away from her face, and sighed sitting next to me.

"Buongiorno" (good morning) Rajiv came in after washing up still in his pj, "Buongiorno" Adaline greeted him, "Did you sleep well?" I asked hugging her, right then Ezra started to whine, "Che c'è?( What's wrong?)" "Ha fame( he's hungry)" "He looks like he's hungry, right? Come here chubby baby" I said laying him down, he instantly smiled with those almond shaped eyes, showing his two teeth, in that face I couldn't help but to see Aaron, Adaline grabbed his hand and kissed it. "Do you like him that much?" I asked curious Addy nodded.

"Addy what do you think about a ladies' day?" "Senza (without) Jaden?" "Hm, yes, just for today" "yess!" " I'm going to get ready" and with that she was gone.

Rajiv sat in silence watching me, "He's not him" he reminded me, right Ezra was not Aaron, "Whatever you're feeling for him right now, let it go. You're gonna hurt Ezra and Adaline..." and with that he left. Sometimes I wanted to shut him up, he told me the truth even when I was not ready for it.

Later

I was walking to the park with Adaline, and started to test the waters, "Adaline, how'd feel if we didn't live with Aaron anymore?" Adaline stopped jumping around, and made that weird yet funny expression she did when thinking. "That would be okay I guess" she answered grabbing my hand again, "Why? Wouldn't you miss him" "I don't think so, he not an original..." "What do you mean?" "Auntie said you're not married yet so he's not my real Dad. Uncle Rajiv and you are the originals, because you were with me first" she explained.

To say the truth I was baffled, and surprised in both in a pleasant and non- pleasant way. Adaline stopped walking and looked up at me "I, like my mamma the most" she clarified, I picked her up and hugged her tight, "I want you to know that mommy is okay, as long as you and Ezra are fine, mamma is fine too, even if things change around us" I said, then kissed her.

To the girl who made me a mother, there were not others word to use to describe best my feelings. Afterwards we went to the park, and shopping. By the time I got home my boobs were full and hurting like hell, "Where's my sweet boy?" I asked.

My face got completely pale as my eyes met Aaron's, Rajiv came out bringing me a fussy Ezra, his sight lowered as he picked up Adaline and left me and Aaron to talk.

"I wanted to talk" Aaron explained shamelessly, I laughed while rocking Ezra, my head falling back with my eyes filled with tears.

Yes, I wanted to end it as soon as possible, because well, first loves are the ones that can hurt for a lifetime even when finished.

I then entered the room sitting on the bed to feed Ezra, his eyes prying on my body didn't make it easy, "Can you get out? I will be out when done".

Aaron stood there for a while confused, "Aaron get out" I had to repeat for him to leave.

-------------------------------------------Flash back-_-------------------------------------------------------------------

"Happy seventh month, Ezra" Rajiv congratulated him with kisses, I was beyond tired from the night before, Ezra was still learning how to sleep through the night and me and Aaron were struggling.

So when he offered to take care of Addy and Ezra for two days, I couldn't refuse. After cleaning and sleeping for most of the day the first day, the second day I could go to work well rested, after my shift I thought about just sleeping in the night shift room, I remembered about Aaron and went home.

"Hi" I yawned, passing by, he stopped in front of me, and claimed a kiss, when I avoided the kiss his lips landed on my neck.

"I missed you" I had never been so scared of such words, as I tried to avoid his look he held my hands in his, "Didn't you miss me?" "I'm just tired, and my boobs hurt" why did I feel like making excuses?

I just wasn't feeling myself my after birth body, I felt fat, and swollen and ugly, and overall I just didn't feel comfortable enough to have sex with him again.

Even having him in the same room while I undressed was hard, that's why I had been going to the bathroom to do so.

His eyes lurked around my body, they were suddenly dark and filled with lust.

------------------------------------------------------------------------End of flash back -------------------------------

As I laid Ezra down to sleep in his crib I put my shirt back on and went out. "Talk" I said sitting down, "I'm sorry, I admit I am at fault, but you didn't show any signs of disagreement either so we're both responsible for this mess..." "How could I? You, and my family kept pressuring me, your parents knew how you got me pregnant and didn't hesitate one second to make us marry".

"I'm sorry, okay? Just take me back, I will be good husband and father" "No, you're not sorry. You wanted something and got it, you didn't hesitate one second to involve my kids, it was fine as long you could have me, right?".

My voice sounded so loud suddenly, and my head started to hurt.

"Please look at me in the eyes and tell me this wasn't all part of your plan! Ugh, okay, yes it was my fault too I guess I didn't really love you just the idea of someone loving me" ... like Violet did. I prayed in my heart for him to deny, to repeat to me how much he loved me but he didn't.

"Yes, it was but wouldn't we have both benefitted from it? You could make your family happy and marry and have as many kids you wanted without having to adopt, and I could make my parents happy by giving them as many grandkids as they wanted and staying out of trouble"

"Wow, you really are a whole different pers-" I heard a thud behind me as I turned around there was my little girl standing there with tears in her precious eyes.

Before I could say anything she ran away, "Adaline, baby!" I ran after her, hearing us shout Rajiv came out and stopped Aaron from damaging us more than he had already, "You need to leave, now"

My body started to ached as if it had been under torture for a decade, Adaline closed herself in her room.

I suddenly felt my lunch coming up, ran to the toilet to puke.

I felt dizzy as my heartbeat kept accelerating I failed to keep my balance, "Easy, there. Here lean on me" a comforting voice said.

Later that day as Adaline gave in and came out of the room she started to have feverish symptoms, we got her temperature, drugs, and nursed her all night.