Here I Stand (BWWM) (AMBW) [COMPLETED]

Chapter two: The best gift ever

Adaline's picture

Isa's pov

As soon as my two weeks passed I was back to work, the hospital was filled during the festivities, the usual cases, plus minor injuries, road accidents, and domestic ones in the multiple attempt to decorate homes, needless to be said we were busy, the alleys were full and so was the surgery board. My muscle were tense beyond capacity, and dark circles had appeared around my eyes. -Hours later, home- "I have something for you" announced Rajiv hiding something behind his back, "Veramente?" (Do you really?) I asked for habit, he smiled at me in a very unusual way "Close your eyes..." he instructed me, once I did so he handed me something, a long paper envelope. I had been waiting for some documents to arrive, those documents would have eventually approved my flight to go to Vietnam. 

I did not know how much time it would take, which made me extremely anxious, I tried not to make great expectations about it, but I was hoping it would be my trip approval. I opened the eyes, and I withheld the breath in order then to release a sigh and a sob of joy when I saw that it was what I had hoped for. "You're gonna be a mother!" Rajiv screamed excited , I wanted to scream, to dance, and to scream but the only thing that I succeeded to do was keeping still and cry. Rajiv tightened me in a strong hug, "Violet called she said, all you have to do is board on a plane" he informed me. He then embraced me, placing a kiss on my forehead "You deserved this" he whispered, now Rajiv was not necessarily a guy who loved kids, but as I had decided to take the long journey called motherhood, he had been nothing but supportive. Violet was mine and Rajiv's friend from college, we had to depart ways after university, because of life unexpected events. "We should celebrate... come on get ready I'll be waiting for you outside" declared Rajiv taking his keys. Despite my tiredness I put on my shoes, tied my braids in a bun and got out. "May I help you?" asked the bartender, he was a rather handsome guy, tall, long hair tied in a bun, a tattoo stretching long his right arm "Yes, please a Ginger ale and a vodka" Rajiv ordered before I could even open my mouth "Don't listen to him, a coke for me, please". Rajiv knew I didn't drink, but he kept trying to get me to try some alcohol, "Come on, think about it, from now on it'll be all about the baby, don't you wanna enjoy your last weeks as a single woman?" he tried to persuade me "Actually not, I did everything I wanted, travelled countries, worked odd part time jobs, and had done a not so humble list of sports, I had never neither dated, drank alcohol, did drugs nor had sex with anyone, so I don't really know what I'm missing out". While speaking I noticed some guy was flirting with Rajiv, so I excused myself to the bathroom.

 When I got out Rajiv was nowhere to be seen, "Rajiv, Rajiv..." I called him out but I couldn't find him, so I decided to wait for him at the bar. On my way there I bumped against someone "Sorry" I said picking up my smartphone, "Doc. Thompson it's me Aaron Hopkins" the person called my name me catching my attention. I always hated meeting colleagues outside work, at least the ones with whom I was not acquainted with, the situation would cause me to entertain them with a chatter, for which I felt a deep sense of despise. I have a lot of those moments, you know, those moments where you get caught in an embarrassing situation. Just to give you an example, when I was eleven I met my teacher at the store while buying tampons. Now some of you may think "What's wrong with that?". I would say nothing if he had been a normal teacher, which he was not unfortunately, therefore he had to say "I see you are buying tampons...wow you have become a woman..." and even look inside your grocery stroller. We suddenly got interrupted by Rajiv, "Isa, here you are!" interjected waving, Rajiv reeking of alcohol, "Come on, let's go" I proceeded sustaining him by his arm. Rajiv tried to stop me "No, we can't just go, you are a neo-mum, we have to drink, this is awesome" he remarked. "Neo-mum? I didn't know you were pregnant, congratulations" observed Aaron. "If that's so, you shouldn't be carrying heavyweight, wait let me help you.." he acknowledged getting closer, not liking being so close to anyone at least I'm forced to, I kindly refused "I'm good, thanks, no really" I repeated the last part seeing he wasn't backing off. Once we arrived home I helped Rajiv, take his t-shirt off, and belt and then laid him on my bed. We both knew he wasn't a drinker but he kept drinking, and me, being his best friend I couldn't tell him to stop, for I knew what he was trying to do by doing so, not to exclude that I did try to confront him. So I took out an aspirin and put it on nightstand near a glass of water, finally I got to lay in my bed. At about 3 am I was awaken by Rajiv who was puking his guts out in the toilet, after he was done he brushed his teeth, and joined me in my bed. 

The fact that he was not heterosexual and therefore hadn't the tendency to sexualize everything about women like so many people, made me feel so safe, that having him sleep in my bed had become something occasional but appreciated. He knew that it still hurt, the traumatic experience we had lived when younger, there was nothing to say about it, but he did "You're scared" he attested without looking me in the eyes, for he knew all of my fears. It was like one of those clown surprise boxes, in which you just turn the handle without actually knowing when exactly the scary clown would come out, that is exactly what my past demons acted. "What if I screw up?" "You won't" he reassured me "I always screw up" I contested "No, not this time. You wanna know why? Because you're not a little girl anymore and most important you're not alone" he answered calm. Thanks to his words I was able to sleep avoiding overthinking about 1000+ scenarios of how bad things could turn. Most people would never understand my longing for motherhood, or for the simple want to have my own family, even more so after they came to known my childhood and upbringing, specifically to people who were strangers to how traumatic responses worked. Everyone sort of scorned the absurdity of the matter, I had come to understand that a very well existent portion of teenagers girls became sexually active in high school, a fraction of these had even gotten pregnant, at such premature age. Viewing the matter through this point of view, it did sound stupid not only the fact that I hadn't gotten pregnant during high school, but I had even retained my v-card, but for me there truly wasn't a more perfect plan. The explanation goes like this: the longing for motherhood derived from a whole needs both emotionally and psychological not met when I was a child myself as well as the abuse I had been subjected to, during my high school years I wasn't minimally interested in the opposite sex nor the discovery of sexual pleasure as I was dealing with self hate and depression, so that made things easier.

 Next was something I had come with terms as my father stopped his visits: people leave and don't come back. It wasn't sad for me, just a proved fact, therefore in the founding of my own family I had wisely decided not to involve a third party, aka baby daddy, another pretty convincing reason was the fact I couldn't trust them, people change opinions, I did so many times for the most frivolous matters, I couldn't allow my new family to require the presence of a male, whose real intentions I had no way of checking and could have easily packed up and left once the second red line appeared on the pregnancy test. Last and very important was the horrendously true fact that I was not trying to die by giving birth, and I had a Sensory Processing Disorder (SPD), which prevented me from being okay, or even being able to tolerate the thought of sperms spilling inside of me, to ensure conception. While waiting the day in which I would have gone in Vietnam, Rajiv and I began to prepare my daughter's room. (Come on) "Forza Isa, we do not have much time. 

We have only tomorrow in order to make the last purchases" shouted Rajiv throwing me a pillow "Lasciami stare" (Leave me alone) I yawned still struggling as I was obviously not a morning person, to this day is still a mystery how I was able to survive the first year of working around with a doctor's schedule, then again I could literally to sleep anywhere. "Ok, I'm awake" I gave in, as I put on my glasses. With my baby fever peaking in my late teens I had started to form a Pinterest board, pinning everything I wished to get for my baby, from utilities to clothes. It had bibs, cute outfits, baby bottes, noise machines, baby bathtubs, baby rooms decoration ideas, bottles warmer, strollers, cribs and so on.

We bought a car seat, a multi seasonal stroller, a bottle warmer, a diaper bag, diapers, pacifiers, a baby bath tub, some clothes and accessories and a baby carrier. I had been waiting for that moments as far as I could remember, no video game, designer shoes, or clothes, latest phone model was as worthy as that moment. Once at the checkout, Rajiv, insisted on paying for the car seat, so I let him do so. "I'm happy to see you this happy" he casually blurted out while I was eating my dinner next to him, I choked on my piece of salmon, Rajiv did not make eye contact feeling embarrassed with how that had managed to get us both emotional, as a matter of fact, I, too felt a little some way about it. He had always been a gentle soul and caring and empathetic yet in moments like those the realisation would hit me harder, causing me feelings I couldn't name. He coldly poured some water in my glass, as if he had not just said that.