Here I Stand (BWWM) (AMBW) [COMPLETED]

Chapter fifty-three: That one time I fell in love with my best friend

Isa's pov

I sat next to Rajiv , showing him Violet's photo. Seeing her smile made me crave for her touch, "Look at her, still smiling" he sighed , I started to cry. "Look at you crying, I thought today I was the only one who could cry , stop crying or I will be crying too" Rajiv teased me.

I still had a hard time admitting that she was my first love, she was the one who first awakened me the hunger for love, that had gone numb for far too long. I know that people say that first love don't exist to last or end in happy ending, but I felt like somehow mine did. Her death wasn't the end, and she knew it.

Rajiv hugged me tightly and as our body departed from each others like two magnets, he pulled my body to his and put his lips on mine.

My body completely froze, I didn't want to hurt his feelings so I didn't push him away, I was so caught off guard that I didn't know what to do or think.

Isn't he gay? Yes, then what was it? Why did he kiss me, was my wailing too loud? Maybe he felt pity, nobody kisses someone because they feel sorry... He couldn't have been drunk, he drank just one can and half...

Not being able to answer I ran upstairs in my room

As I heard his steps towards my room I hid under the blanket, "Sorry, I... Didn't want to..., no I wanted to...., but not to scare you or force you, it wasn't a mistake" he blurted out getting ready for impact, I came out of the blanket angry at him "Ya! If you mean to apologise do it, and stop making excuses" "I didn't mean to make up excuses, but I really like you".

That answer left me dumbfounded for a few seconds, just to come back every now and then "You told me you were gay, what's this now? Is it possible to be gay and fall in love with a woman?" "I'm actually bisexual, I didn't tell you because, you tend to keep people away, adult males especially if they are straight or may be attracted to women. I didn't want to be a wall between us, as we grew closer and I got to see parts of you that people don't, without realizing I was falling for you, and I didn't even know it. I only felt knife like pain when you were away, and such comfort when you were with me. And yes I did enjoy all the times, you let me hug you, comfort you and hold your hands. Do I feel guilty about it?... Yes, but I had become an addict who thought that sipping some vodka at 3 p.m wouldn't cause any problem. My mind had long stopped being clear"

"Get out! Get out right now" I half shouted throwing a pillow in his direction". To say I felt played is nothing, I was angry but too tired to even process further the information I was given, as I laid in my bed my eyes shut and my body went in a state of comfortable numbness.

The morning after I went to work early about 6 a.m, I breastfed an already awake Ezra for the third time, put him back to bed, took a shower, got dressed and left, leaving the school drop offs to Rajiv, I didn't really feel like talking to him, but I still left him, some Post-its around the house to make sure he didn't forget anything.

I reviewed some patients before it got busy, as I did so I couldn't help but to wonder, if anything was because of me, if I had the fault of all the mess that had been created around me. As days passed I avoided talking to Rajiv if not for work and in front of the kids. The sense of betrayal I felt couldn't be expressed with words, it was definitely true that I did not feel safe around men outside my family's sphere but to deceive me in order to get close to me was a whole new level of wrong.

One evening as I was handing off the last patients' charts, I started to feel hotter than usual, no matter how much I removed my temperature would not subside, as I got home I landed on the couch, Adaline was at my brother's having a PJ's party.

My breast felt engorged with milk, taking off my clothes I went to the bathroom, to rinse my face with some cold water, and wash my hands. I kept my undershirt on, went to my room, grabbed a pair of basketball shorts and put them on, I found Rajiv playing with Ezra on the floor of Adaline's room.

"Look who's here, is Mamma" Rajiv said passing him to me, as soon as Ezra got in my arms he rested his head in the croak of my neck.

"ISA..." stopped me Rajiv, not standing the situation anymore, "I am sorry".

I ignored him and fed Ezra, till I felt better, after that I read him some stories, and told him about my day "E poi mi sono anche fatta un panino" (and then I even made myself a sandwich), "Era al bacio" (it was worthy of a chef's kiss), "Bao" he pronounced giving kissing with his saliva filled mouth, after succeeding in putting him to sleep, I carefully exited my room.

I did want to make up with Rajiv, but at the same time I couldn't afford to lose him, basically my mind kept disagreeing with my heart.

Our friendship was all we had, I did not want to risk that. As words failed me I sat on my bed, waiting for him to do the same , when he did we waited some time in silence.

I loved someone once and when they died, the warmth left my body, I realized, how even though you loved them; their lives, their deaths and pain didn't belong to me. It destroyed me in a way I never wanted to experience.

I leaned in weighing my head in his back, "You're killing me, this is killing me having you do close to me, and yet being scared to love you freely..." Rajiv sighed going stiff, "Can't we stay friends?" "Can we not instead..." Rajiv murmured as he faced me "I...". As Rajiv was about to leave I grabbed his hands "Wait..." "Promise me, you won't hate me..." "You said, we could escape it if it gets too much, promise me, if one day I were to escape from us, from our relationship, you'll go on with your life. You won't halt anything because of me" I made clear, Rajiv stabbed me with his eyes: he knew of me, what I hardly admitted that I had a hard time letting people love me.

"I promise, can I kiss you now? You look so freaking cute right now" he accepted without hesitating, as he hugged me, I instantly felt calmer, he then pecked my lips, as I responded to the kiss, he deepened the kiss, causing me to stumble back on the bed, he let my braids loose from my ponytail, as he kept a hold of my face to make sure I wouldn't break the kiss.

To say I was surprised is the least, imagine your siblings' best buddies, now whether you believe or not in the friendship between opposite sex, your siblings sexual orientation is not the same as their best friend sexual identity/spectrum, now being so close to your immediate family, you never really thought of that person as a romantic, and sexually compatible one, instead just as someone you know, and one day they confess their love, and attraction for you, those confusing yet fluttering and not displeasing at all feelings, is what I felt.

As his body was on top of mine, I suddenly heard the prince whimper, I couldn't help but to stop and laugh at Rajiv reaction. "What?! Both of your children got sensors you should have developed confidence and seriousness to handle this" he criticized my childish reaction "You handle it" I spat back at him, "Should I?" he asked looking at me maliciously, "I guess I should if I want to put a ring on that finger"

I was speechless,"ya! You-" "Just kidding he warned me getting off of me.

"Hey, don't worry, we'll take our time, I don't want to -" "I really don't know anything about dating, so-" "That's good, I don't want you to change, I just want you, your most genuine self".

"Thanks" I said kissing him in the cheek and running out of the room, not before handing him a clen diaper and a pack of wet wipes, "Amore" he voiced in a highly pitched and cheering voice, Rajiv picked up Ezra "Let's get you changed so you can be more comfortable and let us sleep through the night". 

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So... A lot has been going on, my college closed because of the covid-19, so now I'm locked in my house all day till things get better, (I'm a high risk patient, since  I have asthma) that has been killing my vibe.

I hope everyone is safe, and we'll, let's survive this together!