Here I Stand (BWWM) (AMBW) [COMPLETED]

Chapter sixty- five: Life hack 34567, two broken people, a suicide mission

Isa's pov

For as much as I tried to keep together his pieces, whenever I lent him one hand to hold one of his pieces, mines started to fall apart, and vice versa.

Among life's lesson I think of this one as one of the most difficult two.

Something I was always taught is how romantic, it would be to be your loved ones, therapist's, emotional pillow's and fans, no matter what, lows and highs, toxic or healthy.

I had grown up to hear people referring as toxic actions done by their loved ones as a way to express their affect, "Lo ha fatto perche la ama troppo" ( he did it because he loved her too much), "Beh anche lei non e' innocente" (Well, She is also at fault somehow).

There was a decision made subconsciously by me at a certain point of my life: if it's your hand, you want me to hold, I will gladly do so, but that's it, nor the gun you choose to point at your head, nor the knife, whose blade had my name on. In all of it, it took a distinguished amount of discipline, courage, and determination, to follow this sacred rule I had set for myself, as some people will insist that threats, hurtful comments, and abuse are indeed a way of showing love, and as tough as it is to admit a part of these people may be your close relatives, parents even.

He needed help, but I couldn't step in unless he wanted me to do so, in that moment rage and pain was preventing him, to make any rational decisions, reason as per he had not been operating following his father's death.

It had become toxic, being there with the kids, so I took the kids, their passport, made some arrangements, and we left. I couldn't sort out his feelings for Rajiv but I could give him, space and time to do so.

Before departing, I allowed Ezra to see Aaron, not knowing when we were going back, "How did it go? Did you have fun with your daddy?" "Così, così" (not really) , "Non sembri convinto" (You don't sound convinced), Ezra sat on my lap, as I held his body, as his, no longer little body, allowed me to do so.

He didn't answer, he just sighed heavily, playing with my braids, "Fami, le coccoe" (fammi le coccole- cuddle me), he was sweaty, so I helped him, change, "Mamma, a cosa servono le valigie?" (Mamma, what are the suitcases for?), "Andiamo a fare visita alla zia della mamma in Canada" (We are going to mommy's auntie in Canada), "Yess" Adaline danced happily, she knew she was going to be spoiled, "Lo zio? Viene anche lui?" (What about uncle Rajiv? Is he coming as well?).

" lui non verrà, ha bisogno di un pò di tempo da solo" (He is not coming, he needs some alone time); "Time out" Ezra concluded, "Si, esattamente, quando viene dato il time out, ci prendiamo una pausa, vero?" (Exactly, when we are put in time out, we take a break, right?)

"Si, ci sediamo" (Yes, we sit down) Adaline added, "That is right, we take deep breaths and check that we are okay, we calm down our hearts and try to stop the tears" I explained, "Quando vado in time out, voglio le coccole, e se non ci siamo per dargli le coccole?" (After I am done with time out I want cuddles, what do we do if we can't cuddle him?) Adaline voiced her concerns, I let her seat on my lap, "We can cuddle him, once he is done okay?" "Okay" agreed Ezra, and Adaline.

It was cloudy the day we departed, by trying a little harder you could see the tired shining of the sun, the strong aroma of coffee filled my nostrils while I looked out of the windows, the kids were still sleeping, the plate I had left in front of Rajiv's room, the evening prior was still intact, I took it away not wanting the kids to know he had not eaten.

I went on and put my coat on, and proceeded to put the suitcases in the car, I did not pack much for the kids, as I knew, my aunt and uncles would have had a great time buying them the necessary things for our short stay.

I woke them up softly, not to trigger any whining or cries, in the early morning, "Buongiorno" ( Good morning) I smiled as they cradled into my arms, "è ora di svegliarsi, dobbiamo andare" (It's time to wake up, we need to go), I helped them one at the time to wash up, and get dressed, once we were done, we said bye to the house and Rajiv and left.

Thank God, it was a brief flight, the kids had the privilege to play with my secret IPad, soon they were sick of it, so we played and I told them stories, and read some old, Italian, Mickey Mouse comics.

My aunt and uncle had sent their driver to pick us up, "Deda, Dede, good morning" I greeted them, hugging them, they went for the kids instead, "Good morning" Adaline and Ezra and Adaline saluted them, "Look at you, you guys have grown so much since last time" "Haha, look at this one, he did not even eat real food, last time we saw you" my aunt exclaimed excited.

Among the seven children they had only four of them had managed to have children, and sadly they lived far, and could rarely visit, thus they were more than happy with me having kids, despite the unconventional way (for them) of having them.

We washed our hands, and sat to eat, then as the kids went on to play, with their toys, I did a quick check up on my auntie and uncle, it was a weird feeling seeing the people who raised you, aging, and needing more care.

Rajiv's pov

The urge of emptying my stomach once again, moved me to the toilet.

The smell coming off me brought me disgust so I decided to shower, If you can call it so. I stood under the showerhead letting hot water run on my body, till I was enough conscious to go on, to know what to do next.

Flashback

"Code blue room 431". (Code blue: respiratory or cardiac arrest) I heard while assisting in a operation, "Doctor Prasad, is there a problem?" "What room is that?" "A patient, middle aged I think, renal failure" Drake, a year one resident answered, "that's my father" I murmured to myself, "That's my father" I lashed out, taking off my scrub and running away, "Doctor Prasad, I suggest to reconsider your actions" the chief of cardiac department said stern.

I left before I could hear anything else, aI ran towards the room, there I met Isa, "You can't be here" she warned me as a team of other doctors and nurses attended him, "He is my father" I cried trying to push past her, "Push, 0.5 of epi" "Pushing 0.5 of epi" "Clear!" "Push 0.7 of epi" "Clear"
"Damnit, come on" the doctor giggled continuing the compressions,

After seven minutes, the doctor stopped the compressions, "Abba!" "Abba!" "Why did you stop? Keep going?" "Time of death: 22: 36" the doctor announced, "He is not dead, why did you stop?" Once they had finally let me go, my father corpse laid there bare and cold, "Abba! Me aapne ghar jaa raha hoon" (Dad, let's go home), I buttoned his vest, "Abba!" "Doctor Prasad" a distant voice called, "Rajiv..." "Come" "let go of me, do something, save him!" I vetted against her.

End of flashback

The house was too silent, with two kids and a person who lives to be loud as Isa it wasn't normal, the creeping silent that was occupying the building.

I went to look for them but they weren't anywhere to be found, it was then that I found a note by Isa.

She said that to love me, despite me drowning would be an act of extreme selfishness, she said I needed a break, from our relationship, to compose myself and find help.

I had known this about Isa, she knew the ultimate effect of a couple of broken people, who avoided therapy, was to hurt each other and always distanced the notions, that people who love each other are able to withstand their past traumas, bad experiences with love and love alone.