Here I Stand (BWWM) (AMBW) [COMPLETED]

Chapter fourty eight: My mom, my biggest enemy

Cruel mothers are still
mothers.
they make us wars.
they make us revolution.
they teach us the truth.
early
mothers are human who
sometimes give birth to
their pain instead of
children.

-HATE

Isa's pov

"Happy mothers' day, mamma!!" Adaline shouted jumping on my bed with Aaron's help, covering me with kisses, "We made you breakfast" Aaron boasted holding a trail full of food, "I did, he helped" Adaline corrected him.

What was supposed to be my breakfast, became and Addy's, but hey! That's motherhood right? "Ancora" (More) she demanded staring at my food, while I was trying to enjoy my tea, Ezra started to babble/ whining, "Okay, I got you come here chubby bubble guy" I said picking him up, in a matter of minutes he had been satisfied.

Aaron took him to put him down for his second nap of the day, "So... I planned an entire free kids day for you, it starts with a spa se-" "Wait, what? I am not going to any spa, being without kids, is enough I think" "Okay, so what about a intimate evening just you and me?" he proposed enthusiastic, I felt bad about refusing so at last I said yes, but then regretted it and said no.

"Can we celebrate some other time? Please?" "Sure, I love you" Aaron said unbothered kissing my forehead. Just like that he was gone for the rest of the day. It was me, my little Chewbacca, Rajiv and my rainbow girl.

"Lil Man is out" he notified coming down the stairs, "Don't look at me like that" I could feel Rajiv's stare on me,. "Say it already!" I gave up "I don't know... All of it just seems...weird, don't you think?" I knew it was gonna happen soon: having someone question my relationship with Aaron, for some reason I expected it.

Rajiv sat on the sofa, waiting for my thoughts to be translated in full sentences, "Aaron wants to have another baby, my family and his wants us to have the wedding as soon as possible a-" "What do you want?"

"I want Ezra and Adaline's to be happy, but I am not feeling this, I am not happy. I feel like there's something wrong with me just for admitting it, I guess I gotta thank my mother for that, but it's true. I wanted to do things well but then I got pregnant and I... I think, no. I'm sure this is the only reason we are together, I wanted to move on but our whole relationship is based on lies. That's also the reason I don't want to have sex with him, I don't trust him, I don't trust myself for getting this far before realizing how I really felt. Plus there's this long list of people who expect me to do this and that. But I am genuinely fucking satisfied with my babies"

"You need to talk... You need to speak your truth, or else you'll end up poisoning yourself just like your mother" Rajiv really knew how to push my buttons, and my mother was one of this.

I tried to forget all the emotional abuse she had put me through but everyone knows it ain't easy like that. I didn't even notice I had started to cry and altogether I felt stupid for crying, sorry mom.

I guess you can't really escape your past, nor your demons.

Letter to my mother

I dreamed you last night, but then again without your usual cold stare I wasn't sure it was you.

I dreamed of all the times you had managed to hurt me, and afterwards of when you'd scold me for crying.

I dreamed of all the endless times you incited me to kill myself.

And once again my demons stood behind me: Mother don't you recognize them? They're hunger for love, yours; low self-esteem and sadness, they've become my best friends.

Thank you mother, for helping me becoming the woman I am today, and sorry for never being enough.

Rajiv held me in his arms , for some reason I felt reassured by everything about him, his smell, his skin; "Whatever happens I got you, even if it comes to fight" I giggled: we both knew he couldn't fight at all.

Once Ezra was up we headed to Adaline's school, for the celebration of mother's day. We arrived early so I could set up my camera, I must've looked weird to other parents: I had Ezra strapped on my body sleeping and set up everything while rocking him.

Rajiv watched me from our seats not even amused, he had seen that side of me, he had tasted every single layer of me.

At the end of the recital all the kids went to their mother with flowers, once at the time they said "Mummy thank you for giving birth to me" once the microphone was passed to Adaline she put down the flowers at my feet reached my cheek with her little hand and said "Thank you for adopting me mama".

And that's all it took for me to cry for the next 45 minutes, I put down Ezra and picked her up, held her tight, "Mamma don't cry" Addy soothed me "I'm not crying... I'm just happy, that's all" I tried to calm myself.

To my mother, whose eyes could see the darkness in my heart
Maybe if you had loved me, maybe if you had cared I wouldn't have gone looking for distruction in the corners of the earth.
Maybe if you hadn't left me alone in the dark, I wouldn't have befriended my demons.

Being parent was and still is one of the jobs that uncovered your traumas, and could help you heal if willing, and everyday since raising my daughter I had learned compassion, patience, love and many other things, for the sole fact that I was willing to listen, for her cry, as well as mines, to grant for the things I never had, and the things that are for my well being and list goes on.

Nothing about Adaline's presence was casual, I had healed not to drip my trauma on her, and seeing her everyday was the concrete realization I had broken my generational trauma. I had taught myself how to express affection, and how to remind the person I care about, that I loved them. I had gone from fearing to be hit to being comfortable with hugs and kisses.

Later at bedtime, I sat down on the floor, Ezra strapped to my body Adaline sitting in her PJs in front of me, as I combed her hair, as I told her about her grandmother, she smiles widely and ask for more stories about her, despite her eyes trying to give in to sleep. I carry her to bed, as the blanket's softeness lead her to succumb she says "I'm happy you're my mommy".

That was enough and more.