Mean Something (Jemily)

Chapter 5- Long Night (Emily POV)

TW: SH & mentions of pregnancy loss.

I sat across from my friend watching what once was the most well put together girl I know crumble away. Even with all this, she was the most beautiful thing I had ever laid my eyes on. I reached my hand out, covering hers. "JJ, please. Talk to me love." She looked up at me suddenly, her eyes hallow and broken. "It's... It's Will." The mere mention of his name sent fire through my veins "Did he hurt you?" I asked in a volume louder than intended "No! No. Nothing like that." She sputtered out. I tried to relax a bit as she continued "He got mad and left. He said he was going to his friend's house, but I don't know. He hasn't talked to me since Emily. I really messed up..." My face had confusion written all over it "What could you have done to warrant him leaving?" JJ pulled her hand away from mine "I had- have this problem. I thought I was over it but with everything I guess not, and Will found out. He wasn't supposed to get back till tomorrow and caught me off guard which lead him to finding out in a less than pleasant way..." I was still confused "Problem?" I asked innocently. JJ sighed "Emily don't be mad. Please." She whimpered "Nothing you could do would make me mad right now JJ." I reassured her and she pulled the sleeve up on her shit reviling a long gash in her shoulder. I shook my head, my thoughts racing trying to make sense of what was happening in front of me "I thought you said he didn't hurt you?" I asked. JJ was clearly frustrated "Emily! Will didn't do this. I did. I know. I know it's stupid, but it helps. I don't know why but it does." I could see tears starting to form in her eyes once again when I connected the dots. It broke my heart knowing JJ was hurting so bad she turned to harming herself "JJ, honey. It's not stupid" I said pulling her closer to me "I mean- it's not smart and I wish you wouldn't, but it makes sense. It's a dopamine release. A lot of people turn to forms of self-harm when they feel out of control..." I said sounding kind of like a boy wonder we all know. JJ giggled a little "You're starting to sound like Spence." I groaned a little and rolled my eyes "Hey. He's not the only one with a brain around here" I joked. "But seriously JJ... why?" She bit her lip and turned her eyes away from mine "I don't know. I picked up the habit after Roslyn died to try and find some relief." I nodded "That's understandable but why now?" I asked putting a little more intent on the word now.

I held JJ and listened as she explained everything. I knew about Tivon. I had the file. I was the first one in the building finding her chained up and beaten but my heart broke when she explained she was pregnant during the attack on her convoy. "JJ..." I muttered out "I'm so sorry... I didn't know." She shrugged a little "It's not your fault. I hadn't even told Will. Hell, Spence only knows because you know that boy can't let things go." I agreed before she continued "And Wills been so good. He's been there for me more than I expected him to be, but I just keep putting up walls. I can't even be intimate with him without feeling like throwing up." I held my breath listening to JJ blame herself for his actions "Honey, it's not your fault... Wills a good guy and I'm sure he's trying." I struggled "But there's no reason for him to have reacted that way tonight." I tried to assure her his outburst wasn't her fault, but I know she would never believe me. Will was, for the most part, a good guy. He just couldn't understand what his wife was going through and was getting frustrated with it. I tried to like him, especially at first. My heart broke the day I told her to go for him, if only I knew that one mistake would change my whole life. Will always expected JJ to be 'his perfect little wife' and while she was perfect in my eyes, he refused to understand her stubbornness, her passions or pain for that matter. I could feel my heart racing and my cheeks heat up with anger the more I thought about how he could leave his wife. Alone. After all of this. I don't know how long I was lost in my thoughts before JJ shifted away from me "Emily? Are you okay?" She asked. I took a deep breath "No JJ. Quite honestly I'm pissed." She shifted away from me a little, fear in her eyes "I know- I'm sorry. I shouldn't have..." "No! God JJ I'm not mad at you. I'm mad at Will. I can't believe he left you alone tonight" I could see relief and pain flash across her face "H-He's a good guy. He just doesn't know how to handle my mess. It's not his fault." I hated when JJ defended him. Getting frustrated isn't a crime, I'm a little frustrated with her if were being honest. But I would never leave her in this state. She sobbed for over an hour. Who knows for how long before she called me "I am going to have to apologize to him." JJ said plainly. I looked over at her "No. You don't have to apologize for struggling JJ. You did nothing wrong here."

We argued back and forth for a bit "I hid this from him!" She yelled. "Did you? Did you hide it from him or was he not willing to listen!" I shot back. I could see JJ hesitate slightly, trying to come up with an excuse. "JJ, you have to stop making excuses for him. What you went through was awful, people make mistakes when hurting. But what Will has done for you is the bare minimum. He took you to therapy. Allowed you to cry on him. Anyone at the BAU would do that for you without a second thought!" I was acting ridiculous, I shouldn't be fighting against her husband, but what I said was true. "I know..." She said timidly, "But I have to make the choice to recover." I sighed agreeing with her "Yes, you do. But you can't be expected to go at this alone. Do you and Will ever actually talk about what happened?" JJ shook her head "No... I've tried. But he always gets mad at me and shuts me out. He acts like I'm blaming him for what I'm going through. But I'm not. I mean I'm glad he's here for me when he chooses to be, but I wish he were more reliable." I took a moment to collect my thoughts "Okay JJ. That's something you guys can work on, but only if you are both willing." Giving her advice on how to fix her marriage hurt more than I would like it too, but I cared about her and carried regret knowing I could be the reason they're together. Sometimes caring about something means doing things within their best interest, and if JJ wanted to make it work with Will than who was I to discourage her from doing that. "Just know I'll be here regardless of what happens... And JJ please try to promise me you'll stop hiding." I asked. She tilted her head a little "Hiding?" I smiled a bit "Don't act confused on me now Blackbird. Promise me you won't hide from me. At the very least send me a text message when you're hurting. I can't promise I'll fix it, but I can promise too always be there for you." JJ gave me a smile and a nod "I promise."

I finally glanced at the window "Shit what time is it?" I asked noticing the start of a sunrise. JJ looked over at the alarm clock "Uh, almost 5:30." She said kind of shocked. "I should get going." I said as I got up and started gathering my stuff. I looked over at JJ and was a little surprised to see disappointment cross her face. I wasn't sure she wanted me to say but seeing her like this I dropped my stuff back in its original position "It's not worth it to go back to the hotel... Do you mind if I stay here?" I asked. JJ's face lit up "Do you even have to ask?" she joked. Thankfully, I didn't have any time restricted commitments tomorrow. I laid down in bed and pulled up the covers. JJ rolled over closer to me and laid her head on my chest. "Hey, Em?" She asked "Hmm?" "Uh... Thanks for everything and... Thanks for being you." She said as she drifted off to sleep. I smiled and kissed the top of her head "It's no problem, love." I whispered before falling asleep myself.