𝘵𝘸𝘰 𝘴𝘰𝘶𝘭𝘴 𝘪𝘯 𝘥𝘪𝘧𝘧𝘦𝘳𝘦𝘯𝘵 𝘸𝘰𝘳𝘭𝘥𝘴 //𝘥.𝘸

𝘵𝘸𝘰

𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘩 𝘫𝘰𝘩𝘯𝘴𝘰𝘯

      Elysian.  It means beautiful, perfect, peaceful, divinely inspired.

      As a rich girl, living on the south side of Tulsa, Oklahoma, I'm supposed to feel those words. I'm supposed to feel Elysian. It sounds weird in a sentence.

       I'm rich. Everyone wishes to be rich. Everyone wants my life. The money, the family, the everything. You can take it. I don't like it.

       You are probably rolling your eyes so hard right now, thinking, damn this is like every other bitch in a story with rich and poor.  She complains about everything, when everything is just handed to her.

       I'll give you my perspective of pros and cons.

       I'll start with cons because it's what I know most of.....No privacy, strict parents that don't seem strict but really are. Very very high expectations, insecurity, being fake. I could keep going but I won't.

        Now the pros, you can buy anything, lots of friends, good food that I don't eat, get everything, I have a nice car. That's all I got. You can ask my sister and her friends about the rest.

        I've had a good life though, I don't know why I keep complaining, never mind it just came to me. I hate how the world works in this house.

       I look at myself in the mirror everyday. I wish I saw what everyone else sees in me? Or maybe they see what I see? What do you think?

        This is what I see. Skin. Fat. Try hard. too many freckles. More insecurities. Stupid. I hate that feeling.

        Everyone tells me

" did you gain weight?"

"You're too skinny"

"You're getting fat, eat a salad"

"What's wrong with you? Are you retarded or something?"

I hate those words, most of them come from inside my house. I don't think my mom knows how much her words can hurt me. I'm a disappointment to my family for doing nothing.

I'm not that good at school, A's and B's. Okay maybe it's not bad but to my family it is. I need the full 100% not the 98%.

But when my sister gets a 90% my parents tell her she did so good. She tried her best. I also tried my best.

I look at my sister, who is just 5 minutes older then me, and think to myself how much of a success she is and how much I'm not. She's just a daily reminder that I'm garbage.

She has the friends, the boyfriend, the body, the car, the looks, the everything. I got the nothing.

She doesn't have to cry herself to sleep each night because she feels so insecure with her whole life. None of my family has to do that. We're perfect.

Have I thought about ending it once and for all? Stop the misery I'm going through? Yes. Did I try it? Yes. Can I stop? No. The feeling of the blade piercing my skin and the satisfying line of blood being created on my wrist just doesn't stop me from doing more. It hurts at first but then I don't feel it.

I know it's not good to harm yourself. I know that. No one knows I do. And that's how I want it to stay. I wear bandaids to cover it up, over the bandaids I wear bracelets.

At night I feel the sorrow and pain of being myself then in the morning I paint on a perfect picture. I have to be perfect.

I'm sorry, im being depressing. I'm making you feel pity, I don't want you to feel pity or feel like this. I don't have much to say though.

I can tell you about what does make me crack a smile.

Puppies. I have a puppy, his name is brownie. He's a mini golden doodle. He's the highlight of my day. He's so fluffy and so very soft. The joy that little dog brings me is so amazing.

What else?

Music. I can listen to music all day and drown in the sounds of the beautiful voices. I listen to Elvis Presley, not much socs listen to the wonders of the king of rock and roll. I also listen to Ricky Nelson, Paul Anka, The Beach Boys, The Beatles, Frankie Valli & the four seasons, The Drifters, Billie Holiday, should I go on?

Clouds. I love clouds. Something about clouds are just perfect and peaceful. Same goes with Rain.

Candles. I think I own like 20 Candles... they smell good and looks so cute.

Random and small acts of kindness.

Unique laughs. Those always make me laugh and smile.

I could go on and on about the little things that make me crack a smile.

       I'll tell you a little bit about my friend. Noticed how I didn't say friends. I have a friend. I don't have friends.

       His name is Carter Lawrence. He has ocean blue eyes. Light brown hair soft as a fluffy pillow. He has very light freckles and roses lips. Beautiful straight white teeth. He's about 3 inches taller then me, good build. He works out a lot but not to the point where he has really bulky muscles. He looks straight but he's the gay very much so that I tried giving him a blow job but it was like playing pool with a rope. I don't mind him being into guys though. Plus he's fun to be around when we try looking for some eye candy.

         That leads me to my relationship status. Am I in one? No I am not. I am very much single. I haven't dated a guy since 10th grade, he cheated, I mean it's not like we did anything. I don't mind boys  but the boys at my school just aren't it for me. I don't know many guys, I mean all of them just think of me as Marcia's little sister, when I'm literally her age and they treat me like shit.

I'll talk about my sister a bit. She's my twin. She's pretty, has short hair with bangs. Brown eyes. She sweet as candy. Everyone loves her, she giggles at everything and anything. My family adores her. Her name is Marcia by the way, I totally just forgot to say. She has a large amount of friends but her best friends is Sheri Valance but everyone calls her Cherry cause of her red hair. They are both cheerleaders. Popular. Rich as fuck. Cocky. Passive aggressive.

Everyone on the south side of town is a soc. Everyone on the North side are greasers. We don't associate with them. They're and I quote from most socs

"No good hoods"

"Filthy white trash"

"Criminals"

Some are dangerous don't get me wrong, but labeling everyone filthy white trash and hurting them because of no reason is stupid. Sometimes I wish I could experience what a day in the north side of town is like. We are all people but have different problems.

Every time I see a group of greasers they are laughing, cracking jokes, playing games, arguing sometimes, but it looks like they have a good time together.

Sometimes socs can't do that. Be genuine with each other I mean. Socs are just a bunch of fake people being fake to each other.

What a world we live in.