𝘵𝘸𝘰 𝘴𝘰𝘶𝘭𝘴 𝘪𝘯 𝘥𝘪𝘧𝘧𝘦𝘳𝘦𝘯𝘵 𝘸𝘰𝘳𝘭𝘥𝘴 //𝘥.𝘸

𝘵𝘦𝘯

𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘩 𝘫𝘰𝘩𝘯𝘴𝘰𝘯

Sticks and stones may break my bones but words shall never hurt me. Do you believe that saying? I bet 20% of you say yes and the other 80% are  saying words hurt.

I'm not saying getting physically hurt doesn't hurt but words? That's a different type of hurt. Words are the type of hurt that just rip your heart out and make your stomach turn into knots as your throat closes up and your eyes begin to water.

I hate that feeling so much. The worst thing is that I have to experience it everyday. After that morning, nothing changed. Apparently I was just PMSing. I was just having a bad morning to them. I got grounded for 3 weeks for saying that to my mom.

It's not like saying anything made a difference, I still get treated the same.

         I was currently getting up from bed, after a long night of music and sorrow, I got up. My room was a mess, clothes everywhere, trash, there was no floor it was that much of a mess. My phone began to ring loudly so I grabbed it and picked up.

"Leah! Leah, are you home? Please say yes" It was Carter breaking my ear drums. I ran my hand through my hair and sighed softly.

"I'm here,"I said softly, not really feeling myself. Today was rough up there in the brain. The only company I wanted was from brownie. He was sleeping and him being there was good enough for me.

"Okay, I'm at a pay phone like 5 minutes away. I'm coming bye" he hung up before I could say anything. I put the phone back and looked at brownie.

"You feelin' like shit?" I ran my hands through his soft brown fur and he licked my hand. I looked at my room filled with trash and clothes. The more I looked the less I wanted to clean everything.

I stood up and dragged myself to the record player in my room. I grabbed a Harry James vinyl and placed it in the record player. I moved the needle to the fifth line which was 'Sleepy Lagoon'.

The sweet sweet music of jazz played like a fairytale dream. I took a deep breath and smiled softly. I opened the curtains so that light could pass through my room.

I looked at myself in the mirror, I haven't seen myself in the mirror in a while. My hair was getting really long. My skin was pale. Bags under my eyes. Red puffy eyes. Pink nose. I looked really skinny. Bones and some meat.

         I felt the bandaid on my wrist peal off. I saw the fresh 3 cuts on both my wrists and sighed softly. I felt my nose sting making my eyes well up with tears.

        "You're okay" I said softly "after a storm there's always a rainbow" tears ran down my cheek. They were warm droplets of water running down my face.

         Before I even knew it the door bursted open and Carter was standing at the door way. Shit. I quickly turned around wiping my tears away.

        "Are you okay?" Carter looked like he saw a ghost something. I laughed softly and sadly trying to play off that I was okay.

        "Doin' peachy" I grinned softly, he walked over to me and hugged me. I forgot what a hug felt like. I really needed one. I hugged him tightly and cried.

          "It's okay to not be okay" I shut my eyes tightly and let it out. He rubbed my back softly, giving me a tight squeeze. "What's wrong Leah?"

         "Everything" I squeaked out barely even able to say the word. "Everything-is just-bad" he kissed my head and broke the hug. He held my hands and looked at my wrists. Carter looked back into my eyes.

          "Why?"

          There are a million reasons why.

          "It's a lot of mental and emotional pain" I rubbed my eyes and moved my hair from my face. He looked sad. Why was he sad? "Why are you sad?" I asked him

             "I didn't know, I didn't know that's why I'm sad. why didn't you tell me? I could have done something! Leah I love you and without you I wouldn't be who I am now" I looked down and bit my lip softly holding back the tears.

             "For how long?" He asked me

             "9th grade, Carter I have my reasons. I have so many. I didn't want to tell you, I haven't told anyone. No one knows. Why do you think I haven't seen you in the last 2 months. I haven't left my room. I've been depressed for my whole teenage life because of people like my mom, bob, Marcia, my dad, everyone. I mean your the only one who doesn't do anything to make me feel like this but, it's a lot. I can't with myself. I look in the mirror and I see flesh and bones. I don't see the pretty. I don't see the nice things. I've starved  many times and it's just a lot. I can't deal with a lot and this is the only way"

             "Give me your blades" he put his hands out and I gave him all my blades. I mean I only had 2 so I don't have much. "No more, okay? If you need to cry, cry. If you need to talk to me, talk. I can't have you hurt yourself anymore. I can't have you dead." He shook his head and looked down.

          "This world would never even remember me, my parents wouldn't care. I'm just one more thing to worry about" he stood up and put his hands on my shoulders.

          "You matter, I will make the whole world know who Leah Johnson is but if I do that you have to be alive. You have to forget about what everyone thinks. Eat food like if there's no tomorrow. Wear short skirts, cut your hair. Be who you want to be and make the world know who you are. You deserve to be happy and I know there's a lot going on in that little head of yours but that little head of yours has to live the best life." But how do I just snap back? How would this sadness leave?

"Carter I don't know how? I can't just snap my finger and make everything go away it's not that easy-" he cut me off and sighed

"First step is cleaning your room. Then showering. It's Saturday so we have all day and night. Come on. I'll be here, I'll play some Elvis and we will clean together. Something is better then nothing" I nodded and began my slow journey to happiness.

It wasn't gonna be easy that's for sure, but like he said something is better then nothing.