The world is still such a bright place

Chapter 40

Wei Wuxian went to bed and his heart was still bleeding in his chest. He had cried from the moment Jin Zixuan had left the Jingshi that afternoon, not really properly understanding why. At that point, he had been still holding the brush, ready to finish explaining, but he did not get a chance to. When he heard and felt the Lanling Jin sect heir standing up, he wanted to call after him to finish saying all his reasons but his voice was just stuck in his throat.

He would have liked to continue seeing the Jin Zixuan but it seemed like the other had misunderstood him and assumed they should put an end to their friendship altogether. It was all Wei Wuxian's own fault, his message was too short and hasty, surely the Lanling Jin sect heir had assumed that he was blaming him for causing him distress. He knew that the other was too kind and would now make his best to avoid him, just as he had said.

"And perhaps that is for the better. Jin Zixuan has a fiancée after all, he should spend his time with her, getting to know her before the actual marriage. He should be courting her nonstop and treasuring their every shared moment. He needs to think about his future, he is a true sect heir. So unlike me. He should not associate with someone like me, it will be of no merit to him once he leaves the gates of the Cloud Recesses... With his fiancée however..."

His thoughts made him cry again, silently, since he did not want Lan Zhan to worry about him even more than he already was. "All I am ever doing is causing troubles for others, Jin Zixuan, my family and sect and even Nie Huisang. I am useless and need people to constantly take care of me..."

With tears in his eyes, Wei Wuxian finally fell into a fitful sleep full of dreams about Jin Zixuan leaving the Jingshi without so much as looking back. Although he could not actually see the other's leave nor his hurt face, his imagination was filling all the blanks which he did not sense while reading the Lanling Jin sect heir's spiritual energy.

When he woke up in the morning, he found out that he could not face Jin Zixuan again this soon, it would hurt too much and he was not sure he would be able to greet him with a smile. At least not yet, perhaps in a week or so, once the time had dulled the edges of the daggers which were currently piercing his heart.

And so, feeling ashamed and sure that the Second Jade had seen right through his transparent lie, he told his brother: "Lan Zhan, I am not feeling well today. I think it would be better for me to not attend the lectures for the day."

He could feel the Second Jade's inquiring eyes on him but his brother did not actually say anything. Although the silence was talking for him. He probably knew Wei Wuxian did just not want to meet Jin Zixuan but he was leaving him to it; at least for now.

When Wei Wuxian felt his brother leaving, he called after him, suddenly worried: "Lan Zhan, it really was all my fault, please do not blame Jin Zixuan." And then the Second Jade was gone, leaving him alone in the silence of the Jingshi. Wei Wuxian had never felt this alone and sad in his life.

***

Jin Zixuan woke up, feeling even more guilty than when he had gone to sleep. He had left the Jingshi in so much hurry, without even looking back. He was now ashamed of his behaviour. He really should have tried to negotiate with Wei Wuxian, beg him if necessary, to be able to still come see him. Although perhaps less frequently, but still.

"My days here will become so dull... I really want to continue coming to see Wei Wuxian... I still did not get to learn his fighting style fully, and it was so much fun to spend time with him. I want to get to know him better... The only thing which I have left now to busy myself so I do not die of boredom is to actually go see Jiang Yanli. There is nothing else to do in this boring place unless I want to break some rules and be punished again. If I cannot see Wei Wuxian anymore, I can just as well go home already..."

However, Jin Zixuan knew very well that he could not act on his feelings. He was a sect heir so he could not just abandon both his studies and social duties and go lick his wounded pride and heart back to the Koi Tower. Even though he could not go see Wei Wuxian directly and talk to him in their own special way, it would cause the other too much distress and that was the last thing he wanted to do, he could still at least catch a few glances.

The Gusu Lan sect disciple would still be hopefully coming to the lectures. And perhaps Jin Zixuan would be able to see him also when he would take a stroll in the back mountains. Just from afar, but that was alright, he had to content himself with that, for the sake of Wei Wuxian.

As he was getting dressed for the day and was preparing the materials for the lectures, Jin Zixuan suddenly felt a wave of sadness wash over him and his stomach started hurting out of the blue: "How do I even greet Wei Wuxian this morning? If my presence as such is already causing him to recall his past, I should probably not speak to him anymore... Does that mean that I cannot even interact with him to that extend?

Probably not; he had mentioned once to me that he could feel other people's spiritual energy and could tell them apart because of it. Perhaps he would be reminded even when I do not directly talk to him but will be simply close to him? No, surely not, that would be really messed up. I would not be able to even attend the lectures like that; we are basically sitting next to each other!"

Jin Zixuan's stomach ache was now getting even more prominent. He was actually tempted to pretend being ill to not have to attend the lectures. He however knew better; he could not just skip like that, he would have to report to the infirmary and they would say there was nothing wrong with him. He would only get into troubles this way, and it would not do much for him since he would only be delaying the inevitable.

With heavy heart filled with worries for Wei Wuxian, he finally decided to go face this challenge head on and set off to the lecture hall. He did not feel like eating breakfast so he just skipped it, it did not bother him to be the first one in the lecture hall. He would have more time to think things through some more.

He however did not get to arrive there as he was stopped in his tracks by the older brother of a particular Gusu Lan sect disciple asking him to confess what had happened yesterday.

Jin Zixuan had no reason to lie to him so he told him truthfully that he would try his best to avoid Wei Wuxian at all times. He did not mention how worried he was about the other, he did not want to sound like he was poking his nose into the Gusu Lan sect disciple's life too much.

Lan Wangji was watching him with suspicion for a while; and if Jin Zixuan did not know any better, he would think that there was pity in his eyes as well. Then he seemed to have let it go, ready to leave.

Jin Zixuan had at first assumed that Lan Wangji only wanted to talk to him without his brother present and that he would go fetch him once they got things straight, but it did not seem to be the case. The Second Jade looked like he was directly going to enter the lecture hall. One glance inside confirmed Jin Zixuan's suspicion that Wei Wuxian was not there.

He called after the other, worried that it was somehow related to him: "Where is he anyway?"